What is the impact on overbearing mothers on daughters?
There are many things that need to be taken into account when raising a child. There is certainly more to think about than simply teaching values and morals. How a mother interacts with her daughter, or behaves toward her daughter can either help to build up her daughter’s character or break it down. Most parents want their children to grow up to be the best individuals they can be, regardless of whether they choose to be a geneticist or a manger of the pub downtown. However, many will neglect to realize how easy it is to damage their daughter’s confidence in herself and her abilities.
A daughter with a mother, who is more critical than supportive of most of her efforts in school, or in a hobby, is less likely to feel she can achieve anything. In fact, she may lower her standards in many areas of her life so that she does not feel like she is bringing as much disappointment to her mother. At first, when the daughter is young, and still feels that she may still be able to obtain some approval from her mother, she may work really hard in school to get the high grades she thinks she needs. She may also try to be the best at any hobby she gets into, feeling that no matter how hard she tries she has far more work to do before she can improve to the level she needs to be at. The daughter’s attitude toward work can eventually lead to almost an unhealthy obsession where she has to have everything done perfectly. This however, will not go on forever. In fact, as more time passes and as the mother remains critical of most of her daughter’s efforts, the daughter may reach a breaking point where she gives up altogether. The marks at school do not matter anymore and she may start to believe that putting effort into her post-secondary studies is pointless because she will never be good enough.
There is little more damaging to a person’s confidence, self-esteem and self-worth than if they are more focused on trying to impress and meet the standards of their parent instead of their self. A person should be working to improve themselves because they want to, not because they think it will make their mother happy. As time goes on, the rift in the relationship between mother and daughter can continue to widen until there is no relationship left. The daughter moves farther away and works to live her own life and try to find some happiness in something else instead.
This does not have to be the relationship between mother and daughter. In fact, if help is found sooner than later, the future relationship can be a healthier and happier one. Seeking help from an online therapist or online counselor can help improve the relationship. Online counseling or online therapy can go a long way to helping the mother and daughter understand each other better, and find ways they can change things so they do not grow further apart.
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Thank you for this great post.
I have two very small daughters and I have to remind myself that I'm actually raising two women - who just haven't grown up yet. And that everything I teach them, or even say or do, will shape the kind of woman they'll turn into. What a scary concept! As parents, we all make mistakes and I don't have a problem with that at all - it's human to err. But learning from our mistakes and not repeating them is key. I'll never be the perfect mother who never makes a mistake and is a beacon of saintliness for all. But I want to raise my girls with a healthy self-esteem who grow up expecting to be well-treated by others and who is confident that she can be anything she aspires to, as long as she puts the work in and has a passion for life. And they are also learning that life isn't all about them - that good works and volunteerism is important too.
Another note to all mother who have daughters (although it's important for sons too). Whining about our weight, bemoaning our looks or the fact that we're getting older and the like is funny in a cartoon but awful for little girls to hear. I've heard women talk like this in front of their kids and I cringe! We need to make sure we are happy (and if we're not, fake it or change it!) with our bodies and content with our physical selves (a good diet and exercise, folks!) so our daughters don't grow up obsessed with their looks and focused so much on the outside that the inside fades. I know some grown women utterly obsessed with their looks and not only is it deathly boring to hear, it's very unattractive (the irony!) and unbecoming to a woman to drone on endlessly about it. It's also a little sad.
Yes, looks matter, but not to such an extent that we're getting Botox in our 30s and pretending we naturally have no wrinkles! I personally like how I look but it's a mere side dish. The main course is how I am inside and how I treat others. As Judge Judy says - "beauty fades, dumb is forever!"
Now back to how scary it is that we have so much influence on our girls! Yikes!
very true susan, I am about to become a mom to a daugher in a month or so and I agree mistakes will be made but we role model for our kids and the better we can be, the better they can be. yes, i have heard 3 year olds say they are fat and such and just wonder how that can be possible. enjoy your children and enjoy yourself!
Dr. Jennifer Lagrotte, DMFT
jennifer@completecounselingsolutions.com
http://www.completecounselingsolutions.com