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No sex or marriage question is too embarrassing, because it’s time to Ask Dr. Marty Klein anything.
Here’s EmpowHer’s Founder & Chairman Michelle King Robson & Licensed Marriage, Family Counselor and Sex Therapist Dr. Marty Klein.
Michelle King Robson:
An anonymous woman on EmpowHer asks, “Why am I so afraid of asking for what I want, and I cannot tell my partner what feels good to me?”
Dr. Marty Klein:
Actually, you are asking a great question and if you were in therapy with me, I would be asking you that question. I would say to you, what is keeping you from talking about what you want? Now some women say, “Oh, talking about sex is so embarrassing.” No, no, no, talking about sex is not embarrassing. I understand that you may feel embarrassed talking about sex, but that’s something that we can do something about. Talking about sex is not embarrassing. I mean, if the embarrassment was in the sex, then we are all in big trouble here.
So I would be asking you, why are you so hesitant to talk about what you want? And here are some of the answers that I get – ”Oh, I am embarrassed,” “Oh, I don’t have the words. You know, I talk about ‘down there.’ I talk about ‘you know’ instead of talking about vaginas and orgasms.” Some women say, “Oh, I am afraid that he will get turned off,” or “Oh, I have heard that the male ego is so fragile, it can’t take a little information.” Some women say, “Oh, only sluts talk about what they want in bed.”
Some women say, ”I am not exactly sure what I want, so how am I going to ask for it?” So all these answers are understandable, especially in a society like ours that devalues sexuality and female sexuality in particular. And what I talk to women about is, okay, what kind of internal change do you need to go through in order to be a person who is willing to say, “Let me tell you about me.” What sort of internal change do you have to go through in terms of how valuable are you, how important is your pleasure in a relationship, how important is information about you?
So the first question is, are you willing to go through some sort of internal change so that you see your sexuality as important and rich and valuable and so that you see your partner as someone who is eager to have information from you? I mean, when you two go on to a restaurant, doesn’t he want you to eat food that you like? Sure. When you go to the movies, doesn’t he want you to see a movie that you like? Sure. When you go to the shoe store, doesn’t he want you to buy shoes that are comfortable for you? Sure, and it’s the same thing with sex.
Women need to see their partners as being eager for information rather than turned off by information. And if a woman assumes that, if you, this writer, if you assume that your partner wants that information, you will probably be right. And if you are wrong, it’s better to get it out in the open, but I am betting that that’s going to be the right approach--to assume that he wants the information so that you can have the kind of sexual experience that you want.
ASK EmpowHer's sexuality expert Dr. Marty Klein your sex or marriage question by clicking on the ASK button below.