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Why Can’t I Orgasm?: Part I

 
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The team here at EmpowHer gets a lot of questions about orgasms, so if you’re reading this article for personal reasons, you’re not alone! In fact, there was a book published on this topic in 2002 called A New View of Women’s Sexual Problems. Written by professors Ellyn Kaschak and Leonore Tiefer, it states that “women’s sexual problems differ from men’s in basic ways which are not being examined or addressed.” In addition, an estimated 24.1% of women have difficulty achieving orgasm.

Let me be clear that this statistic does NOT apply to sexual arousal; it simply refers to the ability to climax. For this reason, it is important to understand that you are NOT responsible for your inability to orgasm. The cause is not your fault, whether it be a lack of knowledge on the topic, inexperience, or difficulty communicating. But you ARE responsible for fixing the problem and getting your sexual health back on track. It’s a bum deal, but it’s something that many women deal with.

Below, I’ve listed some common factors that prevent orgasm. Then I’ll discuss some strategies for overcoming them.

1) You don’t feel 100% comfortable with doing what works for you. I’ve totally been there! Especially when you first start dating someone, you don’t want to make him or her your “guinea pig” for testing out methods and positions. And you definitely don’t want to scare your partner away, especially if you like the way things are going.

If this is the issue, you should focus on “private practice” for the time being. Masturbate often and figure out what you like, so that when the time comes, you’ll know exactly what pleases you. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself by trying to perform before you’re ready – when the right time comes, you’ll know.

2) You don’t know how to have an orgasm. This is a problem that you’ll need to resolve privately before you attempt to have an orgasm during sex. It is VERY difficult to have an orgasm through intercourse alone for the first time, so if you haven’t had one yet, again I urge you to work on your “private practice.” And don’t hold back in regards to what turns you on.

Add a Comment10 Comments

Ive still tried everything with my partner and i cant orgasm,
i think im just gonna give up on the whole constitution of it maybe it is me and im just gonna give it up , just have sex with my partner because i love him, but not trying anyhting else!! he gets pleased just fine, so maybe its just me. im gonna stick to my masturbation-

October 15, 2010 - 11:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

oh, another thing I wanted to add to the last post of mine.

I noticed i had less problem achieving orgasm when I felt hyper. Like super happy, thyroid was high or on Wellbutrin for depression.

Anything there? Was just wondering about that since Viagra is so popular and that drug is used for heart and blood pressure problems.

October 9, 2010 - 7:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

nice to find comments on here from regular people. Could the problem be FROM HAVING KIDS? You know, everything is stretched out more?

A friend told me that she had vaginal surgery to fix a lubrication problem. She claimed her boyfriend at the time (4yrs) was quite large. But the surgeon also tightened her vaginal walls.

Does anyone know anything about this type of surgery? She's moved and moved.......lost contact with her.

October 9, 2010 - 7:02am

I see where your girlfriend is coming from, thats happened to me severlas of times, to the point that my boyfriend doesnt beleive me anymore when i tell him that i was very close that time... he thinks im just saying it so i wont make him feel bad..you see its funny because i can get off myself with pretty much anything! a vibrator, my fingers ..anything you name it... but when it comes to doing it with my partner... NEVER not once ... and at times i feel like its close .. but it was just all in my head... its very frustrating for me and my boyfrined as partnerss. idk if maybe masturbating at a very early age would be the problem?? but if it were .. how could i fix that?? im now 20 years old and i cant have an orgasm with my boyfriend, ive experienced orgasms maybe since i was 14 with myself... and actually tried it with a partner at the age of 16 and yet still nothingg..

June 25, 2010 - 3:12pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Bashful)

With my first husband, I could only acheive orgasm through oral sex. With my second husband, he was physically bigger (his member) and I had an orgasm from intercourse our first time!!! WOW--after I had 2 babies, it was harder because I'd gained weight. But he put a pillow under my rear, and that put my G-spot position perfectly so I could have orgasms again. Try that, and see if it helps--the positioning can be a problem. Or get on top and try different positions that way to where you feel it. It's wonderful, and worth working towards.

June 29, 2010 - 11:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My girlfriend who is 36 has been divorced for 4 years. During the entire 4 years she never experienced sexual contact or "private practice" to achieve one. During her marriage her husband was not very helpful with her in achieving orgasm. We have oral sex often and she becomes incrediably aroused and comes right to the brink of the orgasm and then it slowly fades away and she asks me to stop. I've asked her what happened and she keeps telling me that her mind won't allow the orgasm. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help her? She also told me that she has only experienced two orgasms in her entire life and they were both with her ex-husband utilizing oral sex.

September 28, 2009 - 4:17pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Are you male or female? Do you know if she's actively trying to overcome her inability to orgasm by talking to female friends, writing on forums, researching the female body, etc.? Obviously you're doing all you can to help her along, so any advice that I could give would have to be directed at your girlfriend. I would be happy to talk to her if she's willing.

September 28, 2009 - 4:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thank you for using the word 'masturbate' in the context of learning about - and enjoying - our own bodies! I work at a medical center for female sexuality in ny and it's amazing how many women don't feel ok about 'private practice.' That, btw, is a great term.

August 10, 2009 - 3:00pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Right.
I'm 18 and I don't know much about my anatomy at all... My mom always repressed anything sexual and my dad always overexposed it... So both of them kind of made me afraid of my body. Schools should definitely teach girls things like this. All we learned was to be abstinent.
I'm going to keep researching, though.

August 10, 2009 - 12:36am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

It is true, many of us girls don't know much about our own anatomy, let alone how to have an orgasm. There is notheing wrong with this, there is just not a lot of education for young women on the subject. As a college tudent I was fortunate enough to have a step mom who thought of this type of thing. She bought me some books and videos my sophmore year. The most useful one was a female masturation tape showing an anatomy lesson and how to touch your clitoris form the Welcomed Consensus. It's important to know yourself before you can be successful with a partner.

August 8, 2009 - 1:16pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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