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This group is a forum for discussion of adoption. It is for prospective adoptive parents and birth parents, as well as for women who have placed a child for adoption and women who have adopted a child.

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Open or Closed Adoption?

By bearcop Blogger February 7, 2012 - 7:57pm

I wanted to get opinions concerning your feelings on open or closed adoptions. As you go through the adoption process, are you willing to have your adopted child know that they are adopted and to have the knowledge of their biological roots?

I ask this because as I found out about my adoption, a gush of emotions ran through my mind and body. But, all in all I am so blessed to have had the family I had. I wish I had the ability to know my biological roots. I had to go through genetic testing when I was pregnant and I didn't have any information to offer. So, not that I want to reunite with anyone, but it is nice to know where you came from and what your roots are.

What are your thoughts?

By suziproulxwilson April 28, 2012 - 5:33pm

Dear Susan

I have not heard anything further about her. All I know is that she was in NH Special Olympics, she played clarinet, she was learning to play piano, and she loved sports. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I take wellbutrin and celexa for my depression and mood swings. During the time when my children were in foster care, I took anger management and parenting classes. I passed both with flying colors. Since 2004, I have come a long way. I am a much better parent than I ever was. I pray one day that, after my oldest daughter is of age, I will see her again. I still love her very much. Her sister has a picture of her (from back when she was 11) in her school locker. She misses her.

Thanks for your reply!

Blessings

Suzanne

April 28, 2012 - 5:33pm
By Susan Cody HERWriter Guide April 28, 2012 - 2:40pm

Thanks for your input and you're right, there are two sides to every story.

I hope your daughter is living a wonderful life with her new parents but I agree, you will always be an important part of her life and always be her biological mom.

I hope you are doing well yourself and being treated well for any mental illness you are going through.

Best,

~Susan

April 28, 2012 - 2:40pm
By suziproulxwilson April 21, 2012 - 10:56pm

I gave up my rights to my oldest daughter back in 2006. This happened before she turned 10. It is a long story about how I got to that point. The State had a big part in what led up to it. The State had suggested doing it and that they would make sure they found a family that would agree to open adoption. They moved my daughter down to live with the family they found. It was a not a good fit, so she was moved again. Out of state, and with a family who wanted to be anonymous. They adopted her a short time later.

She is going to be 16 this year. My hope is that the parents and the state didn't fill her head with stories. I wanted to keep her. Her behaviour was unsafe for her and her sister. I had already lost them both once and didn't want it to happen again. Despite the legality, I still consider her my child. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. My hope was that in being with a family that could give her undivided attention, she might learn to control the anger that led her to act out. I didn't even know she had autism before I signed the paper. They diagnosed her later.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that. There are always two sides to a story, bearcop. Don't be afraid of learning about your birth parents. My father had been put in foster care when he was just 18 mo. old. His mother went on to marry and have another child, but never went back for him. He was never adopted, but was raised by the foster parents. They were good people. I grew up thinking they were my grandparents. Now with the mental illness that has manifested itself in my brothers and myself, I wonder. It's too late though to find out any history, since my bio. grandparents are most likely gone. It's not too late for you.

April 21, 2012 - 10:56pm
By bearcop Blogger February 10, 2012 - 9:10pm

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

Pam

February 10, 2012 - 9:10pm
By Susan Cody HERWriter Guide February 9, 2012 - 4:11pm

Hi bearcop

Great questions!

I was not adopted, nor did I adopt so you are getting an "outsiders" point of view.

I think every child should know they are adopted - from the moment they can understand things. Even on their first birthday, I think an acknowledgement should be made. Then there is no awkward conversation or feelings of being lied to. It's a child's right to know and when done from the beginning, it allows it to be the norm.

I think a child or adult should be allowed to know the biological parents but if neither side wants an actual relationship that has to be respected. Neither party should force themselves on the other.

I'm not that keen on biological parents being involved in the first 18 years of parenting though. I think cards and occasional photos are good and even an annual visit, but anything more can lead to a lot of trouble. I think a child is better with their adoptive parents being always at the forefront and are always the true Mom and Dad.

That's my take on it anyway!

By the way, I didn't have a lot of genetic/family info for my doctors either, when having kids and everything was fine. But I agree that it's nice to know something about your roots and where you came from - everyone usually has that - why not adoptees too?

Good luck to you!

~Susan

February 9, 2012 - 4:11pm