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The raw truth: wishing for the end

By January 11, 2017 - 3:51pm

It is comforting knowing that so many women are in the same situation that I am in. My husband's two kidney transplants, dialysis, aortic valve replacement and countless other problems have led to 25 years of suffering for both of us. Our marriage is loveless, too much to endure most of the time. I want to run away, to meet someone else, to start a new life before it's too late. There are so many things that I want to do, but I feel trapped, for better or worse.
My dreams were the same as everyone else's: to earn a living together, to retire together, to travel together, to stay so in love that I longed to be with him. But these dreams have died a slow death and I know now that my plans must change because I am too selfish to languish with him. I fight every day to be happy. There are things that I want to do and now I'm going to do them. But... the guilt is killing me,
I'm afraid that God will be mad at me, that He would expect me to sacrifice my happiness to care for my husband, but I can't. I've sacrificed so much already and now it's time for me to think of me. God please forgive me.
The viscous cycle of wishing for the end, then the tremendous guilt that follows, is more than I can bear. To turn my back on the daily grind of all of these issues and to forge ahead and find my own success and happiness is the only way I know how to cope.
Sisters, thanks for listening. I know now that I am not alone in my feelings, and I am eternally grateful for that.
I would love to know if anyone else is struggling with the same feelings.

By July 14, 2017 - 9:32pm

Hi Tony22,
I'm not sure if we can do anything about the guilt feelings. One of he regrets that I have is feeling for so many years that I had to be held back from my own life just because he is sick. I am just now realizing that was not necessary. Make sure you find things that you enjoy, try new things, make friends. People who have not been through this don't realize that the spouse who is not sick often gets very depressed as well. Life is short, take care of yourself. Maybe one day we will better understand that feeling guilty is nonproductive and can contribute to depression. Maybe over time we will fully understand that God knows that we are human and he will forgive us for our faults!

July 14, 2017 - 9:32pm
By July 14, 2017 - 8:43am

Sorry for all you've gone thru KatyKate, I am new to the whole caregiver spouse thing. I am not good at it at all. I love my wife, and have been with her for close to 6 years. 5 of which she has been sick. I am a selfish person, that thinks stuff revolves around me, but find myself feeling anxious/confused/angry, and everything else that comes with this. We have gone thru many ups and downs, and have even split up for some time, only for me to ask her to forgive me and I will do better. I know I need to be the helper, and giver, but just like you, I know "for better or worse, in sickness, and in health" was a vow I made for my life. I am also afraid GOD will be mad at me for hoping for the end, but this has only been a few years. I get that condemnation as well that I cant ask for such things, she is suffering more than I am, and having to be strong for everyone. I can't imagine going thru this for 25+ years. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, and see if people have advice to look forward?

July 14, 2017 - 8:43am

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