I hope this finds you well. I too have a spouse with chronic illnesses. I understand every word of what you're saying. For me, there are some differences but overall I get it. You have to find some moments for yourself. It's not selfish at all because you can't be any good to her or your little one if you aren't taking care of yourself. That's so important. You are a human being first and foremost. Yes, it's extremely difficult for her and she is the one experiencing pain but you are experiencing emotional pain as well. These illnesses affect everyone and everything. How you engage and relate to one another. It takes it toll which is why you have to find time for yourself and to be together. Also understand that she probably feels some guilt as well. I mean think about if the tables were turned. When I get my fill I go there to remind myself if I were to be in the same situation. It's a lot I know but the first step is what you've already done in finding an outlet. There is no judgement.

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Insurance Mom - for Heaven's Sake don't. Getting married because you feel sorry for someone isn't the best reason. The doubts are't going to go away but once you are married it will be far more difficult to break up. Give yourself a breathing space, think of your kids; have a holiday with a girl friend but don't marry yourself into being a perpetual nurse.

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Thank you so much for this thread. Reading everyone's stories has been incredible this morning after feeling alone for so many years. I'm a guy, so hopefully it's ok to post here...there is so little available for spouses dealing with a spouse with chronic illness, and it seems even less available for husbands. This is the only place I've found, either online or in person, so thank you.

My wife and I are still fairly young, and she is by all accounts the love of my life and my soulmate. Our marriage of ten years has also been constantly plagued by her chronic illnesses. Though diagnosed with Celiac, there must be more as no treatments have helped. She struggles daily just to make it out of bed, and it hurts me to watch her struggle. I try so hard to be the support she needs, but I have to admit how many times I fail. Between working all hours of the day and night to support us financially as well as her health and treatment costs, caring for our two-year-old, and caring for her, I sometimes have nothing left to give her in the way of support, and I know that's what she really needs. But food has to be put on the table, and our son has to be cared for too. I run my own business, so fortunately (and unfortunately) I'm able to work extra and take extra clients when we're in danger of not making it due to health bills, and the other day I was up at 5 AM with our son, then worked 20 hours straight into 2 AM the next morning, and then cared for both of them all the next morning and afternoon because she couldn't move, and then immediately off to work again until 1 AM. She does her absolute best, and it breaks my heart to watch her try so hard and become so frustrated. In fact, she does such an amazing job despite all her illnesses though, that I feel like the biggest jerk in the world if I mention (even to myself) not having slept in 24 hours, or in two years, or how exhausted I am every second from being husband, father, caregiver, provider, medical expense benefactor, and therapist. It sounds so selfish, but I haven't done anything for myself in years now. And I used to not have to...we used to do everything together. And now we're trapped.

I feel guilty even talking about it with anyone, because she's the one suffering. Reading all your stories has been one of the most encouraging things of my last ten years. So thank you.

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Hi everyone,
Finding this site really filled in a hole of loneliness that I was feeling from my husband's illness. My husband has absent seizures caused from 2 brain surgeries from a nasal infection that lead to the brain and the scar from the surgery gives him seizures, carpel tunnel, neuropathy, ulcerative colitis, and a herniated disc. And to top it all we are a young married couple in our late 20s. I only knew of the seizures when we first met, and he functioned normally. But as the years went by, he started getting more and more sick to the point where his illness got him fired from his last job. We are trying to do school, luckily our parents help out as much as they can. But neither of our parents know how really sick he is. We have not had sex in a month because I am not attracted to him in that way....because I am too busy being his nurse, friend and mom, that I hardly feel like a wife anymore. The medications give him terrible mood swings and his illness makes me have to help him with his school work and my own. So I am just tired. I try not to resent him whenever I get sick because I still have to go to work and he helps sometimes because I do IHSS for my grandma, but the help he gives is like i can do that myself. When he is well enough to move, it only means his seizures and his back are okay, but it hurts him to walk. If he had it his way he would normally not get up for the day until 3pm in the afternoon. I lost a child through miscarriage a week before our wedding, and though it hurt us real bad when we lost the child, I sometimes am glad because then I would not have to worry about being a single parent in the marriage. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful friend and he manages to get through the day to go to class and sometimes make dinner. But.....I feel he is 25% my husband. The rest is all me and it is exhausting. And I really feel the strain on my mind and body when I need him to help out around the house, when my body is just exhausted or when I get sick. I can't talk to any of my friends in detail because most of them are not married nor have an illness of a loved one to care for, and my parents worry too much. I know I am talking too much, but i just wanted to vent to other people who knew or had similar stories so I don't feel like an inconsiderate, awful wife. Thank you for listening.

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My partner and I have been together for 9 years and throughout that time he has suffered periodic back problems which stem from prolapsed disks and degenerative joints. From the start it affected our intimacy and we haven't had sex in a number of years... Which I can live with, although it has changed the dynamic of our relationship. More often than not I am the one who has to carry out all the difficult lifting, and after several years of home improvements I seem to be the one who always has to carry out the hard work. Although he is very proactive about his exercise and recovery it's after quite selfish as understandably he looks after himself first. As a sufferer of depression it is often a massive drain on me trying to stay positive for him, supporting him even when I am ill and need rest. I often feel selfish for feeling overwhelmed each time he relapses and I dread the future and how much more support he will need. It's nice to know that I'm not going through these feelings alone. Should I be more compassionate, should I be more understanding.... Probably, but I often feel more like a best friend/ carer than equal partner.

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