October 27, 2011 - 10:54am
My name is Kortney.
In 2003 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was scary but I worked through it and life went on as normal.
Then... in 2009 I had a wonderful baby girl who is the center of my universe. I ended up with severe post partum depression but with medications and therapy I started to fight my way out of that, then the bottom dropped out again. My baby girl was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.
Zoey is now 2 and doing great but I am not doing so great. At first I focused all of my energy into keeping her healthy along with a full time job. I did not focus any energy into my health. In about March I realized I cannot hold down a full time job and do all of Zoey's treatments and keep myself heathy. I was falling apart trying to balance everything. I decided to take a leave of absense from work and I have until March to decide if I am going to go back or not. Now that I am home the feelings I had with my post partum depression are back even though I am still on my meds. I cry all of the time I sleep when ZOey sleeps and longer, my husband is usually home because he works nights so he watches our daughter while I sleep for 2,3,4 hours during the day. Fatigue is an MS thing. I have a lot of anxiety and meltdowns where I do nothing but cry, and I don't sleep without trazadone. Also in the two years Zoey has been with me I stopped taking care of me. I have gained 50 pounds and I cannot seem to get it off. I try to workout but my MS has been bad and I am dizzy all of the time, and I have no strength in my legs so working out is maybe once or twice a week at best. I just go through the motions of doing all of Zoeys breathing treatments and feeding tubes and everything else. I don't want to be that kind of Mommy. I want to be positive and teach her that she can't feel sorry for herself. But I feel sorry for myself. I feel useless, and scared. I am going back to my doctor next week to look at my meds and change them up. I think the change from a career I loved to staying home threw me for a loop. Plus the stress of deciding if I should go back or not, and money stress. If I do not get on disability I will have to go back and that will make my decision easy, however it does not stop me from being anxious about it.
I want to be a better Mommy, and not sleep all day, and work out and lose the weight, and get my health back. I want to spend quality time with my child other than her treatments. We just stay in the house all day and I know she is bored but I am afraid to leave my house. Last time I did I had to call my husband to come pick me up because MS popped up and I got too dizzy to drive. I just cannot seem to dig myself out of my hole. The more I try the deeper down I go. I am hoping my doctor can stabalize my mood, I cannot wait until I have my appointment.
I really have no question, I just needed to write down my feelings, it helps.