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Self-Loathing and Sex

By August 1, 2011 - 6:16pm

I honestly dont know where else to turn for advice on what iv ebeen having problems with except for here. I cant talk to my friends about it and definitly not my family.
I struggled with depression while i was at school this past school yeah and since being home as of May I have slowly been coming out of it, or so i thought. I am unsure of the topic my actions would fall under whether it be alcohol, sex or simply low self esteem/self loathing, or if its another way my depression is manifesting.

Heres my story so far and why im concerned about myself.
I have always been a free spirit when it has come to sex, anmd having fun. For the most part I am usually very controlling and am a high achiever when it comes to my academic and social life and my hobbies. But lately I have been out of control. My eating habit have been not as good as they usually are. i logically know i am no where close to fat because I am 20yrs old 5'6 and 125 pounds but I find myself looking in the mirror and detesting what i see. When i go out and drink I barely remember the night and usually end up in the bed with someone I dont even want to be in bed with. I have always had fun having sex with various people, usually quite attrative looking men, but lately I dont even have control over who I choose to have sex with. I get drunk and wind up having sex with someone im not even into or attractied to. I never really get attached to the people I have sex with in the first place, but whats bothering me is that I have tried to stop this behaviour and cannot. I keep doing the same thing every night I go out. I used to be in control and now im not. I have such a deep self hatred for this behaviour and how it makes me feel, i get depressed and cant even stand to be in my own skin. I literally hate myself and everything about me. I think sometimes I never do get close with some of the people that ive conciously made the decision to sleep with becsause i know they wouldnt want to know me, and that im really not even worth getting to know so I shut any idea of them getting to know me down before they even have the chance to make a move either way. It is so bad right now that I cant even write properly and I want to not ever be me again. No one understand because they say im a very attractive young girl who has a great personality but I cant even accept these compliments because I feel so contrary to them. I despise myself and cant get out of this vicous cycle. I need someone, anyone to talk to because my self hatred has never been this bad before and I dont understand why I am so out of contorl when I used to be so in control all the time. Im afraid no one will ever even want to get to know me because i am just not worth it in everyway. It helps getting all of this out there but I dont know what else to do.

By June 28, 2012 - 2:05pm

I've also been feeling kinda down recently about my condition. I've spent SO MUCH money and time on healthcare in the last year. What a total pain in the.... Today I am actually feeling OK. A site I really like, www.healthtap.com has opened up the horizon a little bit. Supposedly I can connect in real time with the doctor I choose. And it seems cheap. I will let you know how it goes once I try it. Has anyone here used the HealthTap pay-to-connect service yet?

June 28, 2012 - 2:05pm
By October 26, 2011 - 3:29pm

KJ, you say you can't talk about this with family and friends. Since your post is from nearly three months ago, I'm hoping that by now maybe you've talked to a doctor or, better yet, a counsellor about this.
You are not the only one who has experienced feeling like you are compelled to these kinds of behaviors, and the feeling of self-loathing is also more common than you might think.
From your description, it sounds as though these things happen when you drink. Blacking out when drinking is a sign of alcoholism, as is doing behaviors you hate, and hating yourself, as a result of drinking.
I would suggest you look into Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous - there you'll meet people who've been through what you're going through, and worse, and have found a way out.
Above all, there is help out there for you in a variety of places. I hope you find it.
Dr. Daniel Heller
PMS Comfort

October 26, 2011 - 3:29pm
By September 16, 2011 - 11:35pm

I can tell by your words that someone has hurt you. If you don't deal with hurts from your past they will begin to disrupt your life, for example; sexual promiscuity, self loathing, feelings of worthlessness, and so on. I was once a strong successful business woman who was convinced that my past hurts could not affect me because "I was so strong and determined", I was wrong and it almost cost me my life. That voice in your brain that says your worthless, and every other negative thing about you, is a liar. You were born into this world with a purpose and you are worth more than you could ever realize. I know these are just comforting words, but what I tell you my friend is true. Please keep in mind that there is nothing wrong in asking for help. Asking for help saved my life. Speak to a professional who can really help you and go the distance with you. You can tell them the good, the bad, and most importantly the ugly, and the good part is that they won't tell your secrets, they are only there to help you on your journey to a better life. Your life is a precious gift, you have only just begun to live at your age. God bless you sweetheart.

September 16, 2011 - 11:35pm

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