January 17, 2013 - 8:49pm
Love to share it with you here:
I am someone who has struggled with anxiety for most of my life. I am someone who worried I was going crazy at times in my life (more often that I like to admit). But not anymore.
I have learned some profound things along my road to peace. I want to share them with you.
Music has always been the joy and comfort in my life. Performing was the only time I felt truly alive. From my first time on stage as a professional vocalist, I craved more. More excitement, more praise and more of the alcohol that went with the party atmosphere. More, more, more!
Nothing was ever enough to fill me up or quiet the fearful thoughts in my mind.
Over the next few years, I moved to Nashville for my music. I was welcomed warmly by some of Nashville’s major players in the music business and I gave concerts with some major acts. My songs received some airplay in the States and more airplay in Europe and Australia. Even with these opportunities rolling me forward, I had become habituated towards self-destruction and I didn‘t even know it.
Both stints in Nashville ended abruptly after a few months. This was because the panic attacks and shaky hands with which I’d suffered had gotten so debilitating, I could not leave my apartment or drive a car. For years, I struggled with this anxiety and addiction. Gratefully, I found my way out of the dark through Music, Holistic Arts and Mindful Practice. And I am so grateful for the life I have now. My life and I are far from perfect and will always be an evolving work in progress. But the difference is this: my life is a happy creation of my own making. I am a stronger, happier, more at peace being who (most of the time) feels pretty darn good about things.That was not who I used to be.
For years, whenever I performed, people would come up to me and say they felt like the voice and music wrapped them in a soothing bath of loving sound…they felt lighter, calmer…better.
Whenever I heard that, I would think to myself “Really? Are you talking about me?” It was funny hearing that kind of healing coming through me considering the jacked-up, tense ball of nerves that I usually lived in.
It was kind of like when I would be in the liquor store and people would come up to me and say “Girl! You touched my sould so deeply with your music on that christian TV show!” To which I would say a muffled “Thanks! So glad!” as I furtively tried to hide the gallon of bourbon I was buying behind my back. Yikes! I was using alcohol and food to quiet my anxious mind. You can guess where that took me. There was a big disconnect between the person I was and the person I wanted to be. ( for more on my funny little life go here )
So, I made some serious changes in my life that included amazing music and holistic healing arts. Soon after, I began to wonder how much more healing my music would give if it were infused with life-changing affirmation, healing vibration and loving intention?
I began creating songs as healing tools. Or they began creating me…
And help arrived. I changed my lifestyle and empowered myself with spiritual music and people. I began studying and practicing the healing arts, meeting some amazing healers. I learned more about the healing power of music, spoken Word and loving intention through my own personal transformation. The music gave me new eyes to see when
I made the connection between the music I listened to and the thoughts at the top of my mind.
Beautiful music became part of my daily wellness ritual. The vibrational energy of the music changed me. The loving affirmations carried in the songs began permanently replacing years of negative mental chatter. As I began to share my gift of music in concert, people would comment afterwards that they felt as if they had been freed from their everyday anxieties and challenges, feeling more connected to their Spirit. As I healed, my mission became clear to make harmony of my life experience and my gifts in a way that serves profoundly. Music was my way out of the dark and I know it has the power to heal anyone.
I am not saying there are no bumps on my road of existence, there are. I used to think that in order for me to feel “normal” and be a “good girl”, I would need to be completely serene and content sitting calmly (in a field of poppies of course) with no need of a smoke, a drink, a cupcake, a pill, or desire for an unhealthy obsession to grasp onto. Though I have left my need for the above mentioned things behind in my previous existence, this ‘QUEEN of CALM’ perfect picture has never materialized and probably never will. What I do know is what helped me heal can work for you too. That is why I am here…
You need to know that you can feel soooo much better. All is well today. For the most part, I live the life I always dreamed of. I am experiencing life in a way I thought was reserved for everybody else except me: a life filled with love, peace and happiness.
Love and Blessings,