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Admitting I'm terrified.

By October 29, 2011 - 1:01pm

I am turning twenty-two on December 3rd, and I have been struggling with bulimia since I was twelve years old and it seemed I had recovered for a while during high school but senior year I began to relapse in to depression and refusal to eat. I have tried so hard to reach out to my family for help but they seem only concerned with how much treatment will cost and seem to think that I have control over this. With in the last month I have lost 15 pounds, unwillingly and have refused to eat more than not. I am exhausted, sore and I feel like I constantly have a cold. At this moment I am refusing to eat, my excuse being "there is nothing to eat," even though there clearly is. My first appointment with a psychologist on this issue is on November 7th but it's getting worse. My mother came to visit from Colorado, I live in Southern California, and just SEEING her made me relapse worse. I tried talking to her about my condition but she doesn't want to talk about it, she ignores the topic all together. My only support at the moment is my fiance and a very loose collection of friends who seem to think that forcing me to eat is the best answer. It is getting to the point where it hurts to eat and I am scared. I am not sure what to do but I know I'm losing too much weight but for some reason, in the back of my mind, I still think I'm fat. I need help, badly. Someone, anyone, please, just, help me.

By October 31, 2011 - 11:42am

Thanks. :) At the moment I am just dealing with the worst stomach pains EVER. :( I am going to be buying easily digested food on Thursday. I am now adding insta-mashed potatoes on the list. I'm stressed and depressed a lot so easy foods are best. I'm just so worn out lately. :( It hurts to eat at this point but it's getting better, at least for the moment. Last night was the worst, my mother was over.

October 31, 2011 - 11:42am
By October 31, 2011 - 8:44am

Hey, I was really hoping to hear back from you yesterday. If you feel like talking I would be happy to talk to you. But you let me know. I can PM you my number if you would like. I couldn't imagine not having support from my family. Everyone is so glad I finally stopped the lying and hiding. I have gained weight. Not much in numbers, but it feels like a ton, but I know that is only because I, and my body are not used to it. I literally see muscle growing. I am beginning week 3 and I am finally starting to feel better. It is so sadly true how impossibly impossible it is to afford treatment. I think eating disorders should be considered as important. I struggled finding support from others who also are bulimic. I have yet to find one. I am going to an OA meeting this week, but I don't really have that problem. Since I began eating (and believe me, not what a normal person eats) and choosing not to purge, it gets EASIER! I eat small amounts almost nonstop all day. I mean like here is a typical day for me. Wake and have a nutrition shake, handful of almonds, small bowl of cereal, then a little later a bana, some more almonds, then a little later, a bowl of beans which I love. I spice them up with either salsa or cumin and garlic and other spices..black are my favorite, but any bean is good for protein and fiber. I will add in some pro-biotic greek yogurt and half an apple. later, a hard boiled egg, some more almonds, some cooked spinach (uncooked if organic). sometimes another shake. usually try and throw in a bowl of mashed potatoes somewhere in the day. lots of water and gadorade and green tea with ginger to aid in digestion. and then for dinner, i prepare a healthy meal for myself and my family but i only eat what i can handle which is usually portion sizes you would serve a child (only at dinner). but i eat what i know i can keep. i stop when my tummy tells me to, not the ED. I just listen to my body. It was so hard the first week, but I was determined to stick it out. I was bloated terribly for a while, but that is getting better. I try and eat very healthy. I am still very new in recovery. But I will say, I no longer want to throw up. I WANT to get better! my biggest fear was/is my insides. I am ocd and a bit of a hypochondriac. I am trying to seek counseling for that. I know I didn't mention meat. I only eat/feed my family organic meat, but I try and make up for it with other proteins.
I hope some of this helps! I hope to hear from you soon! You are worth recovery Darlin!
<3 Cindy

October 31, 2011 - 8:44am

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