March 22, 2011 - 11:49am
I'm hoping to find another mom that may be experiencing the same grief as me., in hopes of possibly regaining my strength, and also regaining my faith in God that he may, one day, join me with my two sons again.
My life has been full of trauma, and abuse since i was able to walk. without getting into the different types of abuse i've been through, my heart is hurting all the time because of the fact that I havn't seen, or heard from my two precious sons for so many years now. It's so hard living each day not knowing if they are okay, happy, or if they feel that thier mother does not want them or , my gosh, It's so hard to even type about it, since i've been holding it in for so long. it hurts to think about it, share with someone who only hears me and not feels me, I don't want to live any longer with this constant grief, without hope, with this emptyness inside of me that i keep trying to fill with these abuisive unhealthy relationships. My ex-husband was a horrible alcoholic with evil intentions. I think he married me because he hated me, instead of marrying me for love. He was the first man to physically abuse me. not the first to mentally, and emotionally traumatize me. he spoke no english, I spoke no spanish, and with his paranoia, I took alot of beatings, in my home, in public, in front of my kids and family. The stories go on and on. when I finally became pregnant with his first son, he had warned me during pregnancy, i remember the exact day, and his exact words were " dont get attatched to this baby because you will not have him" When he said something, he meant it. He tricked me into taking the baby to his family in Mexico. it was only supposed to be for a few months, while I trained in our career, and I was pregnant again, while being abused, and watching my two children 9 from a prior relationship) also endure the stress and abuse. I did not see my baby again for well over a year. and that was very brief. I had his 2nd son, and I swore not to ever let this boy out of my sight, not even for a moment. Nobody was going to take my kids anymore. I had just won custody of the older kids after a 2 year long uglycustody battle, so I latched on to Salvador. He was my world, my best friend, my reason and joy in life, he was the main man in my life, my right arm, and left leg, need I say more. My marraige finally came to an end, and we both agreed to keep one son. he kept Arturo in Mexico, I kept my Salvador here by my side. Life went on, and I maintained a home for my kids and I, until drug addiction got serious and I became homeless, again. My kids scattered, one here, one there, but my Salvador never left my sight. He was just as addicted to me as I was to him. We went through a lot together while i was homeless and addicted for over a year. i remember thanking god for giving me sexy legs, and some beauty, because it was the main way we had somewhere to sleep at night. Basically men, they'd let me stay in thier home (with some type of expectation of course, and if I didnt give it up, then they would just take it while I slept. I remember resorting to stealing to feed my son, one time, my own mother turned me away when I asked for a 25cent top ramen to feed my son. Eventually I began selling my body, i never imaginged doing this, but after watching my son day in day out, walking miles everyday, carrying my heavy son in my arms, it seeemed that prostition was a way to provide shelter, food, and my drug. finallly an end, I was arrested, and ordered to rehab. i never even knew such places existed. i would have gone alot soooner.
well, i got my life in tact, and was doing very well, working three jobs, until I met mr. mistake #3 where i had a relaspe and everything i had went down the drain. I got clean on my own, and was having probably the best day of the year, when I decided to top it all off with a drink. Well that drink became a bottle of tequila, and i blacked out for the first time. I wound up going to prison for shooting my tenant( I was the manager of apartments) with my sons rifle b b gun (14 times) i believe I was sexually asssaulted, but do not remember a thing. That was when, the ex husband got his hands on Salvador, and he took him to Mexico. That was the last time I seen my precious son. i was so addicted to that boy, i became physically ill in prison, traumatized, I had dreams of being with my baby, only to be woken up by those loud woman who had no respect whatsoever. I still have dreams of my Salvador, But by now, my dreams are so frightening because, i dream that he's suffering, or dying, even when they are happy dreams, I have him in my presence, until I wake up, and he is all gone once again. i live with so much guilt, because I feel that I ruined his life. i was a good moyher who made some poor choices. i dont think anyone could love thier kids as much as I loved that boy. I'm pretty sure every mom loves equally, but this was huge, I mean, I couldnt even go to the bathroom without him . we were together 24/7 and every moment either the happiest, or painful. I feel that God has placed him in a safe place, and maybe he is better offf where he is, because i am still working on improving my life. i am a full time student now working toward a degree in human services. and drug counseling certification, last year I was working as a counselor with woman dealing with drug addiction, homelessness, and prostitution. I was the inspiration to mnay womaqn. until I met another him. and just when I thought I had been through everything, I met this doozy, and wow! i am crazy in love with a man who has multiple personality disorder, and one of his other personalities are bi-sexual, homosexual, and it just gets crazier,.my severe depression began last year when I realized what was happening in my life, and I lost control of everything.I relasped with him, allowed him to persuade me into doing all kinds of things, I lost my job as a counselor, I lost my income, i lost my mind, began having panic attacks, i have lost my self will, motivation, I've lost my sense of identity. I'vw been going to mental health on a regular basis, and trying as hard as i can to get out of this sickness, but I have not been fully successful. honestly, i am tiresd of trying. it's been almost a year, I am improving slowly, aqnd still maintaing college, and that is it. inside I'm pretty much dead, a machine who has to fill daily duties, but nothing, absolutely nothin feels good anymore, exept, beer. beer snaps me right out of my daze, and brings me back to life, only temporarylary though. i've taken zoloft and still waiting for the depression to go away, but I feel that once my sons are back in my life, or at least the knowledge thier well being, then I will be able to stop the madness. my older kids are grown adults now, so i'm all alone living in a clean and sober transitional program, where i have my own apartment, but basically, i just feel empty, sad, and losing hope until it's gone. i love god, and I love the faith that used to carry me through any struggle. i hope to have reached someone out there. I feel alone. if you feel all aone in your own struggles too, then please let me know. I can be a great friend. ithis is my very first time ever putting my life on line, however, im desperate to feel some type of hope again.. i've lived many years suicidal believing it was the only escape from mlife problems, until I learned about faith in god. i just dont feel that faith anymore. I was not a perfect mother, but I sure do know how it feels to be able to love a child. I thank god for showing how great love can feel, at the same time, i dont quite understand the road he chose for me. Being abused by my ex husband really made me a strong strong woman, capable of anything times ten, however, i feel like the weakest person inythe world. like learning to crawl . thank you precious woman out there for reading my life story, I hope to hear from someone at some point. If I have touched your heart in some way, please let me know because, that is th eperson I was before I became depressed, and i just cant be the person i was all by myself. thank you and god bless you and your family