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He wont have sex with me but has a secret cyber sex life

By October 28, 2010 - 3:50pm

I have been in a relationship for 3 years and i love my boyfriend very much. We moved in together about a year ago. We haven't had sex for 4 months and when i ask him why not, he says he doesnt know.
Last year i found a secret myspace page he had set up (I wasn't snooping! - He left the internet page up!) He said he was single etc, the messages were all filth. - He just picked random women and said disgusting dirty things to them and got off on it. - I confronted him and in the end it came down to him not being confident and this being a way to boost his confidence. Since then i know he has done things similar.

I have tried to make him see how attractive he is, and have told him how sexy he is but its made no difference. If i wear baggy jeans or suspenders it has no difference. I have said i will be who ever he wants me to be but he never reacts. When we did have sex i'd always start things off. I'm 23 and he is 30, is that why?

He tells me im beautiful and he loves me but it feels like we are best friends. We have no passion and my self esteem has plunged to the point i hate looking at myself.

WHAT DO I DO? - Will counselling help me and us?

By December 10, 2010 - 8:40am

I completely agree with Susan. Don't bend to him, he should be more concerned about you, and if he isn't that spells deal breaker in my book. Life's too short to be messing around and killing yourself over the wrong guy, I say.

December 10, 2010 - 8:40am
By HERWriter Guide December 9, 2010 - 4:57pm

I don't think being "sexy" is what's necessary to save this relationship and if it is, then run for the hills. As Christine says, be comfortable being you and if counseling can help YOU find peace, then it's a great idea but it's not a good idea if you simply want to find out how you can change in order to keep him happy.

Doing what he is doing on Myspace is a deal breaker for many. He is only one step from meeting these women and he may cross that line at any time. I cannot imagine someone remaining with a boyfriend who advertises for sex (any kind) with any random woman who'll take him.

What ever happened to the days where men wooed women, instead of women humiliating themselves and second guessing their own personalities in order to 'keep' a man? A man earns you, laurajames and he should be thrilled to have you. Don't forget that YOU are a catch and forget what Cosmo and other dreadful articles tell you about how much you should have to bend backwards just to get a little respect.

I wish you the very best!

December 9, 2010 - 4:57pm
By December 8, 2010 - 2:13pm

It bothers me when you said that you will be anything he wants you to be. Just BE YOUSELF sweet sistah! Perhaps you are too submissive and trying to adapt to whatever he wants - but HE doesn't even know what he wants. It would be interesting to pose as someone else on-line and develop a naughty exchange with him then reveal yourself and suprise him. He may just like the thrill of a secret cyber connection without taking any physical action.

Here's an interesting article about What Men Think is Sexy: http://www.oceanusnaturals.com/blog/what-do-men-think-is-sexy/

December 8, 2010 - 2:13pm
By November 2, 2010 - 1:45pm

Hi laurajames,
Thanks for posting. I'm sorry you haven't received any feedback on this yet.
I think you may have answered your own question when you said, "it feels like we are best friends."
I am not a therapist, and yes, talking with one may help you figure out why you would accept this type of behavior in a boyfriend--this behavior is not loving you, it's deceptive. You don't have to accept it. If you are not on board with it, you can choose to take your life in a different direction. He will probably try to disuade you from doing that, but at 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle. That's my big sister advice for you. Bear in mind, I don't know the whole story, and it's none of my business. If there is any reason why you would not be comfortable trying to move out, or end the relationship, you may want to search out a good friend or family member who can help you by giving you support and help you to do this with grace and not drama.
We are also here to lend support, if you need ideas for how to proceed with this. You can try marital counseling, but you may want to just be happy you are not married to this guy. Marriages have ended over stuff like you describe. It is monumentally easier (financially and otherwise) to end a dating relationship than it is to get a divorce. I know it won't be easy. You have invested three years in this guy. You deserve to be comfortable and happy in your relationship and even more importantly with yourself. Don't work to please someone else, don't change yourself to try and keep someone's attention. Be you. A real loved one would be with you in this relationship, and not talking to some random woman they met via MySpace.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

November 2, 2010 - 1:45pm
By November 2, 2010 - 11:21am

15 views and no help!! - Please someone give me your thoughts :(

November 2, 2010 - 11:21am

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