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My husband masturbate to my friends photo

By Iloveme November 25, 2010 - 10:13am

I have been married for 4 years. My husband rejected me plenty of times in the first 2 years of marriage. Since then i stopped initiating because i feel he is not into me. I have done everything to arouse him. I take care of myself and i am a attractive young woman, i get a lot of compliment from other men that i don't get from my husband. One time a day before our anniversary i caught him masturbating. It's not the only time i caught him, after a few months, again i came home and caught him jerking off to porn. I am very open with anything... I like sex and i even like watching it with him but i don't understand why he is hiding it from me. I can count on my fingers how many times we made love since we got married. What hurts me is he choose to jerk off even he has me. I am a very touchy person, i like to cuddle and kiss and im playful but he seems not responding to me every time i get close to him.

Recently, i was browsing on his computer looking for a file. I saw a photo of my friend in her bikini. I asked my husband why he is saving a picture of a girl (i didn't tell him who) on his computer. He denied first but i know he knew what i was talking about. I sat down and think that night. I confronted him the next day and told him to be honest to me. I asked him the question again.... he admit that he did saved the photo and jerk off to it. I cried so hard when he said it. It hurts to know that he choose to masturbate to my friends photo than to make love to me. And he did it while i was in bed early in the morning.

I am so mad and don't want to see his face. I want to move out and be away from him. He's been doing it for over a year (not to my friends photo but watching porn) He said twice a week. And i haven't make love to him for several months, i would say twice this year and it was very boring and i was the one who asked for sex.

I hate it that he is doing it behind my back and we've talked about it several times. i told him that if he wants to watch porn and i can join him! I DON'T UNDERSTAND why he is still hide it from me. I do love sex and i do enjoy long foreplays! I feel he is not into me or not attracted to me at all....

I am thinking of leaving him...

By alluragrace December 8, 2010 - 1:48pm

I had this same issue with someone I was living with for 4 years. It didn't work for me, and didn't get better. I was at a loss for his affection, attention and intimate connection. If you really want to stay with him and improve your sex life, then perhaps you could suggest masturbating together. If he already enjoys doing that, then it can be a way for the two of you to connect more deeply. Try facing one another while you pleasure yourselves. Most likely, you'll end up intertwined at some point.

December 8, 2010 - 1:48pm
By Alison Beaver November 26, 2010 - 9:25am

That is wonderful that he is willing to go to counseling...kudos to both of you!

What he did (masturbate to your friend's photo) may or may not stay with you forever, as intensely as you feel it now. Some couples are able to move past infidelity in all forms; others never regain the trust. What you are going through might be better categorized as an emotional affair, if that. Have you asked him more in-depth questions about it? Does he have feelings for your friend, or was he using this photo out of convenience? Men can find our friends attractive, and individuals may even fantasize about someone they know. We can't control each other's fantasies or feelings, but what the individuals DO with those feelings and fantasies are what's important. I think this is where counseling would be helpful, as you two can learn better communication and he can learn how to respond intimately with you in more appropriate ways. He is physically and emotionally keeping you at a distance, and it is important for him to be able to express why. He may not know he's doing it, or it may be intentional. Usually, it is something in-between.

You are OK to feel hurt by him masturbating to your friend's photo. You can view it as a "sign" of cheating or an affair that you prevented. You can view it as a "sign" that he was masturbating and just found a pretty girl's picture to use. Was he using the photo because it was your friend, and he likes her in more ways than just a "tool"? Is he thinking about her, or does he use her as a sex object? I'm not sure what the answers are, and you may not be ready to know all the details yet. However, just knowing in your mind that there are BIG differences between using a person in a photo as a tool and sex object (that person in the photo would have no feelings, no thoughts; is not a real person. the photo is more of a thing than a person) -- versus-- using the photo as a reminder OF the person (if he likes her; your fear, correct?), of the person with thoughts, feelings and more.

Is the photo a sex tool, and nothing more? Could the body have been replaced with any other person?
-- or--
Is the photo a reminder of the actual woman whom he likes in person?

Important distinctions in order to help you get past the hurt and/or understand the problem more in-depth (so you two can decide how dedicated you are to improving your own relationship).

Last thought: some men like "random porn stars" and other men would prefer to think about someone they know, or are even friends with or respect as a person. Fantasizing about a person that is familiar does not lead to infidelity, and does not mean they prefer that person over you. Some men are turned off by porn stars, and like more "real" women to fantasize about. Maybe just ask him, once you are ready to hear the real answers, to see what he says? More importantly, does he have a lot of contact with your friend in the photo? Do you think he likes her more than he is suggesting to you? Does he make excused to try to see her?

November 26, 2010 - 9:25am
By Iloveme November 25, 2010 - 4:15pm

Thanks for the reply.

He rejected me plenty of times. I've done a lot of things to arouse him. I asked him why we never have sex anymore.. and his answer is always tired from work. It's not only about sex. We don't spend much time together, like doing fun things together. We are under one roof but i feel like i am his room mate. He will kiss me but no passion. I like to hug and every time i sit on his lap to be playful he seems not happy and tells me his body aches (i only weight 95lbs! and he is 6'2 200lbs! i don't get it. It's feel like "get off me!" that look.. he wont say it but that's what his face is like.

Why would he masturbate on my friends photo? If its some random porn star photo, i would forgive him. But he said he is doing it twice a week the most. And i haven't make love to him for several months.

He said he is willing to go counseling. But i feel that what he did will stay in my head forever. And i dont want him sexually.

November 25, 2010 - 4:15pm
By Alison Beaver November 25, 2010 - 3:51pm

Hi Ilove me,

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. My opinion is that masturbation CAN be a healthy part of a relationship. It may be "hidden" for any number of reasons (embarrassment, probably).

I personally think it is unfair for any woman to demand that their male partner never masturbates. This would inevitably lead to the male "hiding" it or "secretly" masturbating, to which women think they are masturbating IN SPITE OF the woman, or AGAINST them, or some other reasons. Men (and women) can touch their own bodies; it is their body. Men (and women) masturbate for many, many reasons. Have you asked him why? It is a healthy sexual response: masturbation is easy, quick and has many benefits. Women masturbate to learn more about their bodies, to learn how to orgasm. Men may masturbate because there is no pressure to perform or please someone else. Men may masturbate so they CAN please their partner by lasting longer. Please do not make this about masturbating or him masturbating because you are not good enough, etc. He is not choosing to masturbate instead of you; he is choosing to masturbate.

If he is not having sex with you, this is a problem in your relationship.

If you take masturbation out of the equation, so he can honestly and openly communicate with you, does he talk with you about the lack of sex between you two? Can you two problem solve, come up with compromises, or see a counselor?

November 25, 2010 - 3:51pm