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My live in BF and I, havent had sex in months. The love and care is vibrant between us but ...

By chgogirl29 May 15, 2011 - 8:57am

We reconnected over a year ago and started as friends with a mutual care and SEX. Neither one of us wanted a relationship and we carried on for months that way. We would hang out at his place, go out with friends, intimidate dinners and had sex most often. I have always been the initiator in our relationship. Along the line, we fell in love. There has been many trails and tribulations (kids, live in mother, moving, etc) in our relationship this past year. All and all, we are there for one another and still remain the best of friends. We now live together in seperate bedrooms (snoring, sleep patterns, my children are also in the household-old fashioned,etc) along with my children (his are all grown up). We have all the essentials of a great power couple and everyone around us can see the love. I know he loves me as well as I love him. So what is the problem??
It has been several months since we have had intercourse. Our intimacy consists of my giving him oral sex and on occasion he will pleasure me with his fingers. I absolutely miss our sexual intimiacy. We had a good sexual union...not totally uninhibited but it was good. Now it is non existant.
Recently, I started to open up about my sexual frustrations. I even stated maybe I am not the "One". He clearly told me that he loves me and wants us to work. Although we talked breifly about it and he admitted to "not feeling it" due to all the issues we have/are going through with our household (runway teenager, mom is now in a nursing home, he is on short term disability, recent move into our home, etc). I somewhat understand that he is not wired like me but the distant sexually is making me feel unwanted, as much as I hate to admit it-very ugly, alone at times as well as sexually driving me crazy. In hind sight I feel that no other man would have stayed in the current situations with my family. But he has stayed right by my side through it all.
I will say that I am a rather high sex drive woman and always have been. Not having that intimacy with my partner is messing with my head. Do I think he is cheating? Not necessarily ...although he is a big flirt. Lately, I have been wanting to stray and have a sexual encounter. I know that I can seperate sex and love...but for the first time in my life I feel guilty in even thinking like this. The thought of loosing the man I love makes me cringe thus I have dealt with this for so long.
Just last night, I once again voiced my feelings (loudly) and brought him to the point of saying, "Go get a condom...u want to **ck!!" Well I did and started with falacio and as usual he shuttered in pleasure and ejaculated. Needless to say, he fell asleep and I went to my bedroom and masturbated to porn. Before I left I told him I was buying a book for us to spice up our interests and sexual desires. He agreed and well I ordered it this am.
I know he wont lie to pacify me but I wonder if this will help us through this huge hump. I must add that in prior conversations, he has agreed to get relationship counseling to help us. We agreed we both have issues and need to resolve.
What do I do? How do I move forward? I know he has a sexual drive...he also views porn. I am almost out of options here...please help!

By KING MAINE July 4, 2011 - 12:33pm

LISTEN. I'M A GUY AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU LEAVE HIM OR STAY WITH HIM BUT HE MIGHT HAVE FOUND SOMEONE MORE ATTRACTIVE THEN YOU, I'M NOT SAYING YOU NOT ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOU, BUT SOME GUYS USUALLY FALL OUT OF LOVE AND BE LESS ATTRACTIVE TO THE FEMALE AFTER A WHILE AND THAT COULD BE THE REASON WHY YA'LL DON'T HAVE GOOD SEX ANY MORE. MRS LADY THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE THAT REALLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND SEXUALLY. A GUY LIKE ME KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY. BE BLESSED MRS CHGOGIRL29. (KING MAINE)

July 4, 2011 - 12:33pm
By Susan Cody HERWriter Guide Leader June 10, 2011 - 10:42am

Hi chigogirl29

Thanks for your post!

As a listener to your post, what I pick up from your words is different is how you are thinking.

It honestly sounds like you are not (or at least he is not) connecting as lovers and it sounds like he's using you. If you didn't push this issue, he'd be just fine living his life, watching porn and getting oral sex from you. It's a very one-way relationship, with you doing all the giving.

Even when he says "yes" to being open to reading a sex book - a sex book is not going to help your relationship - only your sex life! You said you want the relationship to change and a sex book won't do that.

And even still, falling asleep right after you give him oral sex and you have to leave and masturbate to porn - don't you feel used? I know I would!

He may need somewhere to stay right now and that's why he's really with you "through it all" because I don't see any romantic/boyfriend support - just a room-mate who uses you for oral sex. And I honestly think he IS agreeing with you to pacify you - at least until he gets on his feet again.

I know this is not what you want to hear but all I can go by is what I read here. And what I read is that you are being used by this guy for a place to stay and a bit of sex on the side.

I really think you need to evaluate your relationship and you are trying to make a real relationship out of something that's not really there.

I don't feel like I would be helping you if I agreed with a sex book to help with what's going on and told you that this relationship just needs to get over a "hump".

Let me know what you think and I wish you the best-
~Susan

June 10, 2011 - 10:42am