Facebook Pixel

Sex and Relationships Join this Group

Is this sex addiction and does he love me?

By October 15, 2012 - 4:36am

My husband suddenly became grumpy hostile and angry, it began when I felt ill and tired. Went to the doctors and after being told nothing was wrong with me after blood tests etc. My husband was going on long walks with my eldest daughter who was 27 years old. They would come back, I was not allowed to go, I was told it was dad and daughter time.
I discovered it was partly so my husband could slag me off and say how lazy and nasty I was. I was diagnosed with a parathyroid tumour, got it removed, felt sad about being misunderstood and was really hurt. My daughter appeared to take her fathers side and her husband was really nasty on one occasion, he verbally and physically threatened to thump me, as my daughter kept taking offence at everything I said to her.
It only changed after my second daughter came to stay with her partner at my insistence; when they wanted to save for a house and had no where to go. They realised that my husband was being really horrible to me and blaming me, slagging me off and setting me up. He had decided to chase after a woman at work and slowly but surely was making out to her and my family that I was this awful mother and wife. When I asked him what was the matter, he would tell me he felt ill all the time with his chest, as he is asthmatic.
He was hateful all the time and I was making excuses for him saying it was his illness. Then one early morning I got up, after not being able to sleep, after a terrible day with him being hateful and telling me with hate in his eyes, that I was" a vile person wasn't I". I discovered a message on his phone after guessing his pass code that he had put on, I felt guilty prying but I just felt the need to check. I saw the message" miss you. xxx" to a woman called Yvonne !
To cut this down a bit I still have two children at home, 10 yrs and 11 years; so I have tried to continue with my marriage. He told me he still loved me This woman has said horrible things to me about what he had said and asked me where my pride is, why don't I get rid of him. After three times, when we or he decided he was going to leave, he and I cried and realised we couldn't live without each other.
The older girls feel he is scum and should leave, I wanted him to stay and try. He is moving jobs to apparently get away from her, he says it's for me mostly I think it is embarrassing for him also as she told everyone he was impotent and seemed to feel he had a problem all the time. I didn't like to tell her otherwise as he only had a problem shortly after having an affair with her. He told her he never had sex with me; that was a lie.
I discovered loads of pornographic photos and films on a hard drive that you can plug in, after he had taken all the passwords off everything that he had been hiding from me. There were hundreds of photos and films all with pantihose on mostly, as this is his fettish. I have always had to wear them since we were married, when we have sex. We have been married 29 years this november. When I confronted him, he was embarrassed and ashamed, I joked about it and said he could share them with me and not hide them.
He has always wanted bum sex via my anus and I have always said no thank you. It got heated before his affair as he would try to do it after I had asked him not to. It made me reluctant to have sex and I think this may have been one of the lead up problems. Now he has started to raise this issue again he has also started to do odd things like masterbate over me and cum over my chest. he then said "oh don't you like that either". There is no warning when he is going to do these things. I was a virgin when I met my husband and I think I am fairly open minded. We have gone from only having sex once a week to every night nearly. I will not say no as I need to feel needed but when he does things like this and keeps on sneaking in the conversation that he would like to have anal sex, whilst he is poking his finger up my anus when we are being intimate without asking and I hate to complain. So I bring it up the next day to try to discuss it gently and tell him I don't get anything out of feeling like I need a poo and having an orgasm at the same time. He is still bringing the subject up and then apologising. I actually said" if you want to, you go first and we wiill , get something for your anus and then I will try it. He was disgusted and said no it was a woman thing. I have explained it isn't. I feel I am being used and not really loved, I need love and tenderness at the moment and all he has done is set me up. If my daughter hadn't come to live with us, everyone would have believed I was horrible and his affair was understandable. I would have had no one to love me thinking I was this terrible person. Now I feel that maybe his other woman just used him and I am just the booby prize. that he has to try to make it more exciting to put up with and my feelings don't seem to come into it.

By HERWriter Guide October 17, 2012 - 6:41am

Hi kristil

Thanks for your post.

Your husband is likely experimenting with sex with other women and wants you to try his new techniques too. If you don't want anal sex (and it's fine not to want it) then tell him it's not something you're into. If he makes a fuss or keeps trying it anyway, stop having sex with him.

You seem to be a bit desperate to keep a man who treats you badly and involves your children in his unhappiness.  You are focusing too much on the other woman - she only knows what he tells her and obviously he's telling her awful things about her. Why are you putting up with this? Instead of thinking that you've been married 30 years and you should keep trying, think about how long you've been putting up with this maltreatment instead!

You can't mull everything over for years - it's make you crazy.  Stop watching him do whatever he wants, while you do your best to keep him. I'd rather be happy alone that unhappy in a marriage. Even though you've been married this long - it doesn't mean you have to stay. Do you want another 30 years of this?

He has to want to change but life is pretty good for him. He gets to have affairs (I doubt he has only had one) and you are still there for him at home.  Make your own decisions - you have legal rights when it come to your children and support etc. Don't put your children through all this.

Either get into therapy with him or end it - it's not fair on the entire family. You have some big decisions to make but you do need to make them. Going over your problems time and time again still has you in this awful state and it's not actually doing anything, so it's time for action now.

Good luck


October 17, 2012 - 6:41am

Group Leader

Related Topics


How is your relationship/marriage? Need some support or advice? Or do you have advice for those of us experiencing troubles in our relationships - whether it's sexual, financial, parental, career-oriented or any other issues that make once strong relationships weak? Join us as we work together to make our personal relationships with our partners or spouses the backbone of our lives.


World Wide Web


This Group is Open to all EmpowHER.com members