By Sarah Delaney / Divine Caroline
I am in the gym, running on the treadmill. I have it set at 4.5. I glance over and the guy next to me is running at 8.5. I am sure he thinks I am a loser. I put my towel over the top of the treadmill so he can’t see my speed. I wonder what I look like running.
Probably pretty bad because I have on these new shorts and they keep riding up my inner thighs. I keep having to put my hand between my legs to pull them down. Some old lady walks by and tells me to get a room.
I choose to ignore her and let myself get carried away with my music. I love listening to the Spice Girls on my Walkman. Unfortunately I accidentally start singing out loud. I mean, really out loud and the guy running next to me stops his treadmill and glares at me until I take off my headphones
“Would you mind?! Not everybody wants to hear that stupid song, especially not with your glass shattering voice. My dog can sing better than you.” Oh my god, I want to die. Obviously I am uber embarrassed and I somehow lose my footing and I slip on the treadmill and go flying off of it. So now I am on the floor, blood dripping from my chin (where I hit the deck) and the guy on the treadmill is pointing and laughing hysterically. I get up and walk to the water fountain to clean my bloody chin and two girls who probably weigh about 115 pounds between them walk by wearing head to toe lululemon workout gear. “Oh my god, have you seen that girl’s shorts? They are horrible. I wouldn’t be caught dead in something so 1997. Plus she is way too fat to wear something so short.” Now I have started to cry. Silently because I am still in public, but crying nonetheless.
I make my way over to the free weights area to do some bicep curls. Unfortunately there are no benches and so I sort of find a spot away from the main weight area but still in front of the mirrors. There is some massive man probably called Biff next to me lifting ninety pounds and he is grunting. In what seems like amazing difficulty, he lifts the weights up one last time and drops them hard on the floor in front of me. ”Ahhh!” I scream because he scared the living daylights out me.