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Do You Have to Be the Center of His Attention?

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Many women find themselves in an uncomfortable position when the man they spend time with seems, well, less than focused on them. The guys are constantly fiddling around online, playing games, watching games, thinking about games or else they're working long hours, stressed out when they're at home, distracted or not listening.

While good communication is an essential piece of any successful relationship, its also crucial for women to ask themselves if they are doing enough self-caretaking and finding enough ways to be interested in life and hobbies, career and health, inner creativity and outer vivaciousness to really be okay if their significant other is in his own little world sometimes.

I'm by no means condoning a relationship where one partner is "checked out" on a regular basis, either emotionally or physically. I'm simply saying this: Sometimes, as women, we feel extremely insecure if not the center of attention. We can easily misinterpret a momentary distraction or a week of intense stress in the lives of our partners as symbolic of their disenchantment with us and our relationship.

Often this is simply not the the case. In some cases, women have spent a lot of emotional and physical energy on pleasing their partner and are afraid it simply hasn't been enough. The truth is, women can spend more time, emotional and physical energy pleasing THEMSELVES and making sure it is good enough! Surprisingly, many issues that women face in terms of feeling left out of their partner's world can evaporate when becoming involved in their own interests, their own activities and their own health and well being.

The intimacy a woman so craves may mean tuning in more to her own deep set needs and not relying on her partner's validation, or being the center of his attention. Of course, everything in moderation is the key. One partner becoming heavily involved in their own lives and interests leading to the other doing the same and neither attending to their relationship does not for intimacy make.

Add a Comment4 Comments


You mean to say that you're actually a human being? Terrific!


January 6, 2010 - 6:16pm
HERWriter Guide

Oh I can be quite the shrew at times and all is not a Harlequin Romance with us!

But in general...we're not too shabby!

January 6, 2010 - 3:06pm


Sounds like you have a nurturing, warm, loving and healthy relationship... Hats off to you!


January 6, 2010 - 2:56pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Aimee

Yes, to answer your question - yes I do! It's about me! Me me me! ME!!

Really though, no. In fact, it would drive me mad if my husband were "devoted" to me in such a way that he was by my side all the time. In my world, that's not devotion, it's "stalking". :)

A little space, you know?

We share a home, a bed, children, a life. He comes home after work every day to his family and remains with us till he leaves for work the next day. On rare occasions he goes out for a beer with some work friends and I encourage it. On other occasions I go out with my girlfriends and he encourages it. We look forward to time with friends of our own gender, whoever stays home gets to have the remote all to themselves and we can look forward to seeing each other later.

High maintenance spouses are an emotional drain on the other spouse's resources. To have to always build the other one up, and keep them up, with compliments, reassurances and constant physical and emotional accessibility is exhausting. Resentment will build and anger will simmer.

A most attractive partner is one who is confident, without being arrogant. And one who has the grace to let their partner have his or her own moments (alone or with other friends) in order to make coming home something to look forward to, not dread.

We don't "complete" each other, a la Jerry McGuire. We compliment each other. We should be complete before marriage, or else we'll depend on our spouse to somehow even out all our rough edges. No fair! That's not his job!

We are there for each other when it matters, in good times and bad. But it needs to be on equal footing, although it's normal for each spouse to need to lean a little more on the other, depending on the circumstances. But the constant Attention Seeker will eventually tap her man dry. It might take months or years, but the well won't run forever, nor should it be expected to. There is also a kind of weird parent-child aspect about these relationships that makes me uncomfortable. But that's another subject!

Great post - thank you!

January 6, 2010 - 12:45pm
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