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Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

By HERWriter
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Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer Photo: Photospin - Auremar

Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.

Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.

What are the signs of mental abuse?

“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).

“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.

There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

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June 27, 2017 - 6:38am
(reply to Anonymous)

I feel for you. I'm apparently at the end of a 38 year marriage. I consider myself a fairly intelligent woman but it I feel SO incredibly stupid that it took me this long to admit that I've been letting him run my life. He's been so subtle I'm not even sure HE realizes what he's done. Of course it's "all my fault" so I have to take some drastic steps. Please do not feel powerless. Step up and get whatever support you can. There IS more to our lives than following a path that we can clearly see will ruin us and leave us destitute. NO MORE! You are not alone!

May 31, 2017 - 10:20am
(reply to OCWOMAN)

No, no, no, you are not stupid. You are forgiving, determined and you try hard. When we realize that we are putting good energy after bad, we start to step up and figure things out; when staying becomes more painful than leaving, you are done. I think you are brave and we are all surrounding you cheering you on!!!! HUGS.

June 2, 2017 - 11:23am
(reply to Anonymous)

Honey. You are being emotionally abused, controlled and gaslighted. You are worthy and valuable. Lots of couples have disagreements about sex, but very, very, very few have partners that hide car keys to punish their spouse. The hardest aspect to all of this is the process of experiencing the abuse - you defend yourself which then leads to arguments and then find yourself wondering if it's you or if there is really a problem. Go to www.verbalabuse.com and read up on what is happening to you, it's all there and will help you feel less out of control. The next step is to decide to take back your power, step by step, bit by bit. A therapist will help validate what you are experiencing but the real work is in deciding that you aren't going to live like this. I have some articles and resources as well if you want to email me at kimromancorle@me.com. Hang in there and keep moving forward, your post is a terrific first step, it's hard to reach out when you are feeling so low. But we are all with you so know that you aren't alone. Sending a hug.

May 25, 2017 - 2:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to kimromancorle)

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it. I will read the article for sure and check out the website. I'm starting to feel less alone.

May 26, 2017 - 9:22am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to kimromancorle)

Even though I have been divorced for 14 years and have a wonderful therapist, after 23 years of silent abuse, I almost cried when I read your article and the woman's (anonymous) story above! At last, an article that described the hell I lived through and the mental devastation it causes. I am sending it to my grown children! (article only). I have been trying for years to describe why it is so hard for me to attend family functions when he is there. "Mom! It's been --years! Get over it!" Well, I'm trying! So, I pray that woman hears the truth when you say, " Honey, you are being emotionally abused, controlled and gaslighted!" Keep up the good work!!! I pray we women help each other!

May 25, 2017 - 8:18pm
EmpowHER Guest

I believe anybody that owns 100% of your heart is worth fighting for. Yes, I am boasting because I never adhered to some negative advice from my parents when I was about getting married. There was a war between our two family then my husband was his mothers puppy, his family members used him a lot that he cant make any decision without consulting them. What surprised me most was the moment a 36-year-old man seeks his parent and some family members consent before dating anyone, the worst happened when he was instructed to bring me along to their country home in N. Rampart, New Orleans, it was risky to accept such invitation.
The war between our families started when he finally proposed (that was about 4 years ago), his family gave some conditions if he must wife me (we have to live with them), I was in shock when my husband accepted and was happy with their conditions (so crazy). My family wagged and demanded I should breakup with him immediately.
I decided to give him the last shot as a man whom has already taken over 100% of my heart, I took a risk to go spiritual with them by consulting Priest AKOBE via AKOBESPIRITUALHOME40@gmail.com, I dont know how but the spiritual father already knew I was going to consult him. He first of all told me the danger I was into and how my husband has been enslaved since birth, how they keep brain washing him to do their wills.
Like the quote that says a person sees clearly only with the heart, I realized that nobody saw what I saw in my husband and thats why I used the help of PRIEST AKOBE to put him out of his misery. His eyes where opened by PRIEST AKOBE for the first time, his family fell in love with me and granted every of our request, our families have known peace since after the love spell. It is over 2 years after the love spell and my husband has continued to improve every day without interference from his family. I have waited too long to share this amazing piece. Thanks for your time and also to PRIEST AKOBE. I knew him through reading some amazing testimonies on blogs

May 22, 2017 - 10:02pm
EmpowHER Guest

I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage for 13 years. We had two daughters. When my youngest was two, after trying every thing that I could think of to save our family, I gave up and left him. I was escorted out by the police and victim services. I supported my daughters pretty well on my own for 10 ten years. When my youngest was 13, he removed her from public education and illegally enrolled her in home schooling in his home. For many months I tried to fight him in court since I had all educational decisions. The law basically told me that she was of age to decide. Fast forward 12 years - her education stopped there and she is his farm hand and raises horses. Living her dream as he puts it. Sadly I am extremely allergic to animals and can't be part of her life. The older daughter lived with me for the most part and graduated from university. She is now a chartered accountant. I financially supported her education. When she was young he fostered a love of dogs and showing dogs in her. Sad for me - also allergic to dogs. Now they are both adults and the youngest lives at his home. The other spends a lot of time there because his new wife shares the dog show hobby. I rarely see them unless they need money or something done for them. I am a good person (by all reports) and can not understand why this has happened to me. I was encouraged to leave him for my safety and to empower my girls against following in this abusive life style. Sometimes I am so sad I doubt my choice about leaving.

May 7, 2017 - 4:46pm
(reply to Anonymous)

It is really hard when you have to let go & let be and one of the hardest things in life is to accept people for who they are. That includes our kids, the decisions they make and how they live. You are a warrior and brave and absolutely, positively did the right thing - can you even imagine how they would have turned out if they had been witness to all of the abuse? They would seek out abusers on their own and continue the cycle. You broke it and did it single handedly. Get some therapy, go to a community event, volunteer or find some new friends who share a hobby. It's time for you to get the support you need, this will all work out in the long run, things always do. Sending you a hug.

May 8, 2017 - 8:45am

I started dating my now husband when I was only 17 and I felt a sense of freedom that I had never felt before. I came from an abusive household where my sister and I were brought up by a mother with very bad mental health issues and we were very secluded and not aloud to spend time with other children outside of school. It took me a long time to free myself of my family, but my now husband really helped me. He wasn't perfect. In fact, he often made remarks about my physique, my weight, my friends and my family, but I let it slide because I was in love and I felt like he was the first person I could talk to about the hell I experienced at home. We lived together throughout our studies, we got married and had kids.
After my first child was born I had some post natal depression and had bad anxiety attacks that made me stay at home a lot. As we live in a town far from any family and friends i was really isolated. When my daughter was nearly a year old I decided I would go back to finish my studies (that I had broken off because I was pregnant) and he made me feel really guilty about it. He talked about how the whole family had to suffer so I could finish my studies and how he had to pay for a babysitter. And I did feel guilty, so I really put my head down and studied hard. I never socialised with any of my fellow students and always turned down their invitations because I thought it wasn't fair on my family and I was scared that it might upset my husband. He never felt bad about socialising though, but I thought he had a right to it because he was earning the money and I was only looking out for my studies. Of course he would also reinforce this by telling me that I wasn't entitled to anything because I didn't work and that it was his money to spend. I should be happy to even have food on the table.
Then, as I was pregnant with my second and just before my finals, he decided to go on a trip with his brother for 2 weeks to Japan. I was shocked because he wouldn't even let me go for a coffee and I thought we had troubles with money, but there we was, flying to the other side of the planet and at a time when I needed his help and support the most.
I almost failed my exams and I was so stressed out that I started having contractions and was so scared that my baby would be born prematurely. Then, when my baby wasn't even a month old he went on another holiday, to Italy this time, for another 2 weeks. This is when my postnatal depression started and I've been finding it hard to cope. I've been caring for 2 children and sometimes have angry outbursts where I lose my temper at one of the children and scream at them. I never hit them, but my husband still manages to make me feel like the worst mother in the world. He compares me to my mother and although I know I am nothing like her (she often became very violent) I still have this knit in my stomach that I could be harming them in some way.
He, on the other hand, feels no remorse whatsoever in slapping our 3 year old girl in the face when she refuses to put on her shoes or has a temper tantrum. And when I confront him about it, because I refuse to let anyone hurt my children, he projects it all right back at me and tells me that he is stressed because he had to do all the work of looking after her while I was taking care of baby.
He makes me feel guilty for eating too much or for buying things that he doesn't use (like my shampoo or moisturiser or a box of cereal). He complains that the house is a mess but if I then ask him to mind the kids for an hour so I can tidy and clean he complains about that. If I tidy but let my baby cry a little so I can get something done he'll complain that I'm neglecting the children.
I just don't know what to think. I feel like such a failure and I hate him for making me feel like this. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder if there's something I'm not seeing and if I'm the problem.
I don't have any friends or family to talk to because I've always sacrificed everything for this relationship and I have nobody to ask. All of my friends are just his friends that I sometimes get to spend time with when they come over to the house. And they all love him because he's a very charismatic person.
I've considered leaving him, but I'm afraid that he will take my children away from me and use my depression against me. And I have no job and no support system and I'm not a very strong person. I don't think I would have the confidence or know how and I couldn't live without my children.
I'm so lost. Please help me make sense of this.

April 19, 2017 - 2:42pm
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