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Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

By HERWriter
 
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Mental Health related image Photo: Photospin - Auremar

Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.

Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.

What are the signs of mental abuse?

“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).

“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.

There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.

The Profile of an Emotional Abuser

At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.

The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife

Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).

Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.

One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.

Call to Action

It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.

If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.

Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)

Add a Comment380 Comments

Ohhh I am sooo sorry Anonymous, that is tough stuff. You are not stupid, you are trying hard and I applaud your efforts. Now you know this isn't going to work for you anymore and you have choices to make. If you start within, with the knowing that it's not your job to keep him happy, calm, or engaged, that will help. I have a tips list for managing emotional abuse, if you want a copy email me at: [email protected]. Do you have a counselor or therapist that can help you navigate this path?
Remember you are not alone, there are lots of us out here!!!

June 5, 2012 - 3:25pm
(reply to kimromancorle)

"help. I have a tips list for managing emotional abuse, if you want a copy email me at:"
Hi Kim,
Will you kindly email me a copy of that tips lists?
Thank you,
Teresa

June 25, 2012 - 7:21am
(reply to teresa.prichard)

Teresa, email me at [email protected] and send me your email:) Thanks!! Happy 4th!

July 2, 2012 - 5:35pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thank you for this post, it really made me think about my situation. I can't begin to speak about my life in what I think might be an emotional relationship. I was married to my husband for 14 years when we divorced because of his emotional and physical abuse. I always thought it was my fault because after so much accusing I became unfaithful. after 2 years of being divorced we remarried because i felt he had changed and it would be the right thing for my children.,I have been so wrong. The physical abuse is not there but emotionally I feel like I'm dying inside. He constantly accuses me of cheating or lying. I can say that I have not been unfaithful. I go to work and take care of my family. He calls me all day at work and if I do something any different than what I say he accuses me of lying. I walk on eggshells daily because I'm not sure of what to say or what not to say. Unfortunately I always say something that triggers him. Just today I made a comment about how long a flight would be and he immediately asked me how i would know about flight times unless I had been to the same place he was going. I have not, I told him. He then tells me I'm lying and starts bringing things up from the past. I am at my breaking point but, I don't know how to get out. I feel stupid because I asked God to bring us back together again and now I'm trying to leave. I love my husband but, not the way I should. I don't have any physical/emotional attraction for him. At this point I don't think I ever will.

June 5, 2012 - 1:15pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Your comment struck a nerve with me. I want to keep my vows and still love him but I have lost my attraction to my husband. I suffered years of verbal and emotional abuse with control. He has calmed down now but I feel checked out and think evil thoughts toward him. I want to change my attitude and stay but my inner voice screams run away when he has one of his fits. I live on eggshells and sick of it but I am too scared to leave.

September 4, 2014 - 12:23am

You know it's an odd thing - when you change, you force others to change b/c what worked before doesn't work anymore. If you put up new boundaries, communicate with ownership ('I' statements are key here) and decide enough is enough, your new reality will show itself. I realized that the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving and that was it for me. I hope you remember to take care of you, and feed yourself with all things positive as the ebbing away of self-esteem is super tricky and can be devastating. I send you a big high five and a huge hug! Be true to you:))

June 14, 2011 - 10:08am
HERWriter (reply to kimromancorle)

Some great thoughts, Kim. Thank you.

June 14, 2011 - 10:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have lived with a passive aggressive spouse for the last 26 years. Several years have been spent in counseling just trying to obtain better coping skills and work on my own issues. Your definition of abuse being cyclic in nature was eye openning to me and spot on. My husband is emotionally abusive and withholds affection and sex to lash out at me. My self esteem has definetly taken a hit. I love him and dont' want to leave him, but I am tired of being on the same roller coaster. I have recently started calling him out on his bad behavior. I don't know if our marriage will survive now that I recognize the driving forces behind our screwed up relationahip.

June 3, 2011 - 6:51am

Funny isn't it? We try SO hard - it took me YEARS to realize that no matter what I did, it would never be enough - no matter what I did to please, it was a useless effort b/c it was all about the cycle of violence /control. Sorry you went through that, it's painful to experience....

May 9, 2011 - 9:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Sex is also part of emotional abuse. I remember I had to be sexy all the time or I was afraid he wouldn't love me. I tried to be the perfect sex partner and if he even looked at another woman I took it to mean that it was because I wasn't good enough.

May 8, 2011 - 7:10am
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