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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
Thanks for this article. Not only are the women victims in these horrible relationships but also the children that watch this occur. My "father" left many years ago now and I don't even remember his face...I have no idea what it feels like to be loved by a man, I am supposed to call "Dad".
The main thing I do remember is running to the bottom of the steps while I heard my Mother screaming, "Don't kill me" when I was in kindergarden and running to a neighbors house in my nightgown, shaking like a leaf while there was about 3 feet of snow everywhere (no shoes on). My eldery neighbors let me in their house and called the Police and ran over to the house to save my Mom from the devil. This was my Mother's Birthday.
Coming from a child of this sort of relationship, be brave women and never put yourself or children in this situation. There is always a brighter side.....believe me, I know.
Missie
May 7, 2011 - 9:22amThis Comment
Thank you for sharing your story, Missie.
May 7, 2011 - 12:39pmThis Comment
I, too, thought "There are plenty of resources" to help me cope/leave an abusive marriage. To the casual observer, there appear to be plenty. The time required to track down and evaluate them, in secret, while living in fear, is substantial. After my emotinally abusive husband strangled me, in the presence of our 5-year old daughter, I met with a counselor the Family Violence Project refered me to. She listened to my story, then asked if I'd ever taken the Myers-Briggs assessment. I sounded like a "TMJ" and, my husband like an "XYZ". This combination "seldom, if ever, works" (I don't recall the exact acronyms, but you get the idea). This was the start of years of searching/weeding out the "plenty of resources". Eventually, we divorced (final judgement, after 2 years, is still pending). After a 2-day trial, the judge ruled that our 9-year old daughter live with her abusive, alcholic (convicted of an OUI the previous year, after flipping his car) father during the school year. I supported him through grad school, plus 6 years of unemployment while he looked for a "worthy" job, then resigned from my career to spend 8 years as a full-time Mom. My legal fees exceeded 30K. The "plenty of resources" failed me; I had to rely on the generosity of my family, support of my friends and one, fabulous, therapist (she was the 4th I'd seen, and finally someone who understood what I had been going through).
May 7, 2011 - 9:34amAlthough it's been an arduos process, every day I'm grateful that I escaped this marriage. Yes, I'll continue to fight to gain primary custody of our daughter.
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Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, to the outside observer there appears to be plenty of resources. Or, at least, there should be. It is particularly difficult if you don't have or have been completely shut out from developing a support system.
When you're afraid that your partner will even freak out if he or she reads and email and you've got a child to protect, things can be extremely complicated.
Glad you're still fighting. Don't give up.
May 7, 2011 - 10:14amThis Comment
Thanks for this article, Darlene. I think some people have missed the point of your article. EmpowHer is a woman's health website and therefore I think you wrote this article with women who have been or are being abused in mind. That doesn't mean that men are not abused-- nor does Darlene say that in her article-- it is just that for this website and for writing purposes... her target audience is women.
There are many men out there who suffer from physical and emotional abuse from their girlfriends/wives/relatives/strangers so we hope that any men who may be reading this don't feel like they are being categorized or accused of being "bad" men just because of their sex.
-Rosa
May 5, 2011 - 12:21pmThis Comment
Thank you, Rosa.
I did write a follow-up article about women who abuse, though, in response to the comments, to balance out the subject here: https://www.empowher.com/mental-health/content/wives-who-abuse-other-side-spousal-abuse
May 5, 2011 - 2:06pmThis Comment
Aw 'Anonymous New', I'm sorry this is so pushed for you - I am a woman who was abused. My husband was abused in a former relationship as well. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I agree, we are all responsible for our own well-being but it is not as easy as 'just getting out' and that is the twist of all of this - there is a psychological component that often limits what we think we can do. It's a pretty broad sweep to categorize all women as manipulative and emotionally cruel, not sure how Mother Teresa would feel about that. Maybe the easiest way to look at it is that abuse, in any form, from anyone, in any capacity, is awful, cruel and shouldn't be tolerated. And I think all of us agree with that. Best to you.
May 5, 2011 - 8:18amThis Comment
I'm glad you responded to the person who claims you can just "get out". Marriage is a commitment especially as a Christian. I stayed married for 15 years dealing with emotional abuse by being psychologically controlled. I was angry at myself for always being so independant, yet when it came to my marriage I was extremely submissive.
May 9, 2011 - 8:29amThere always has to be a pivotal point that makes the difference in a woman or a man to make that change. Mine is seeing how my son was being treated exactly the same way. How in the world can a parent ignore their child because they are mad at them when they are supposed to love them unconditionally?
I used to say how can you treat me that way if you are supposed to love me. Amazingly, no matter what I suggested in the way of counseling the person never accepted it. The end result is me finding myself again and them thinking there is nothing wrong with the way they live their life. It leaves a scar on your heart that takes years to repair.
I agree this can happen to man or woman as I have watched my brother deal with many hardships from his wife. I used to always think it was so much easier to leave than to stay, but that truly isn't the case. It is very hard to make a change for yourself especially when kids are involved.
I never wanted my son to have to be alone for weekend trips with his father when he was younger. He was traumatized too many times with episodes of temper tantrums from his dad. At least I could be there to protect him. When he was 10 I realized he could tell on his dad and that it was no longer up to me to try to keep a relationship between them. It would now be up to his father to change his approach and work on the relationship or he would destroy it.
Kudos for speaking on emotional abuse as it is just as damaging to the heart and minds of the spouse and children in the relationship.
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Well said, Kim.
May 5, 2011 - 9:52amThis Comment
I think the writer is irresponsible. A woman has responsibility for her own well being and if she is feeling degraded she has the obligation to get out. There are plenty of resources.
In my experience it is women that do the kind of damage the author has described. Women are by nature manipulative and emotionally cruel.
I know of dozens of men who have been destroyed by women in the very way you describe.
This is a dirty battle field but it is not only women as victim. I am not a victim and I resent the implcation that all women are victims of some variety. We are stong able people when we bother to take responsibility for our lives, loves, and pleasure.
Men are not "bad" because they are men. Stop perpetuating that flawed view. For heaven's sake take responsibility for yourself and quit whining.
I am a woman.
May 5, 2011 - 7:09amThis Comment