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I’ve written before about people who pretend to have illnesses (often serious) or conditions in order to get attention or profit from others. As our media expands to include social media we are learning of more and more exploiting the kindness of family, family and co-workers. Too often we have read about a person shaving all their body hair (including eyebrows and cutting off their eyelashes) in order to "prove" they are undergoing cancer treatments.
They accept money from family and friends and attend benefits that are done for them through their schools, churches or workplaces. The reasons are varied – greed for money, an insatiable need for attention or for something as mind-blowing as breast implants or exotic vacations. Once caught, these people face criminal charges, as well as the often volatile reactions from those they fooled and stole from. Not only do victims feel robbed of their time and money, but also of a trust factor that’s hard to get back. Fool me once, and all that. More on the topic of feigning serious illness can be read on our busy thread here – you’ll see what a hot topic this has become on EmpowHER: https://www.empowher.com/community/share/faking-it-pretending-have-serious-illness-attention-profit-and-reward
But more common are friends and family who drain us with all their dramas – who has done them wrong, who ticked them off this week and who is hatin’ on their game. (Seriously - that’s not me, they really talk like that.)
From the cousin who is always unfairly confronted by someone at the store (or the mall, restaurant, movies, doctors office, public toilet) to the sister who hates her boyfriend until you agree with her and then you’re the bad guy because she's changed her mind and he’s an angel! And how dare you judge him!
You cringe to ask your co-worker how he’s doing because you’ll be told about his mortgage and his one-legged crazy aunt who wants to move in but his mean wife won’t let her and besides, they’re already fighting about his "designer" live rat collection that has reached the majestic number of 38. And at the end of all this, you feel empty, exhausted and absolutely bled dry.
The reason you feel like this is because the negative drama queens and moaner groaners in your life are known as Emotional Vampires. They drain the very life blood out of you and it’s all your fault. After all, you did ask “how are you?”
It’s hard to remove emotional vampires from our lives. They may be related to us, they may live with us or work in the next cubicle. Ignoring them on Facebook (and that’s a different story entirely) may be easy but what happens when you have to face them eight hours a day or every time you have a play date with other mom friends or on every girls night out?
There are ways to smooth off the fangs of these vampires. The easiest way is to block them from your social networking sites (you know they live to post their endless status about how awful their lives are, while waiting for 15 comments that tell them to "Go Girl" and "Kick His Butt!") Meanwhile you gaze at these endless posts with a glazed eye and an itch in your boot. So delete them, block them, or at the very least, hit the ignore button where you can’t see them and they can’t see you – yet no-one knows the difference. Peace by means of apathy. Whatever works.
At work, you can always grab the phone and pretend to talk when Whiney McDrama comes over to talk to you about her tales of woe. When they monopolize that precious happy hour on a Friday night with complaints about their boss, the coffee and how no-one appreciates the work they do, move on to other subjects and don’t play into their games. As much as they seem to want support and advice - they don't. They merely want a platform so that everything is all about them. Got a problem? They can't help you - they have their own problems! Got five minutes? They'll bend you ear to tell you all about them but don't expect the same in return. The emotional vampire is all about self-feeding and does not like to share the wealth. Don't reply to texts and ignore personal emails.
Stick with the positive people you know, briefly acknowledge that the emotional vampires are there and change the subject every single time they complain or drain you of your peace of mind. If that doesn’t work, try a friendly “hey, it’s Friday, let’s only talk about the fun stuff! It’s supposed to be HAPPY hour, right?" And if that’s not a success, take your co-worker socialization elsewhere. They’ll eventually get the hint. Really - there is only so much that's acceptable.
With friends and family, you can pick and choose how you meet them. Parties, anniversaries and holiday get-togethers are hard to avoid but keep your interactions to a minimum, always be pleasant and don’t feed the monster! You know what that means – when they sigh or groan or even hint at starting to moan, politely end the conversation and nod, smile and move on. Since we all know that asking questions and feeding the flames can only encourage our Drama Queens – don’t ask the questions (“so why are you upset?”) and don’t initiate conversations. Keep it nice and fast and scurry along until you are again with folks who actually make you feel good about yourself. Last time you checked, it was okay to to feel good, right? Surrounded by fun people, having a few laughs and ending the night with good memories? So put your big girl panties on and stop being an enabler. Move along or lose your right to complain! Otherwise, you may end up being an Emotional Vampire too – and knowing how it feels to be drained of all that is good, you don’t want to spread the whine to others. No one said it's easy - but someone needs to bring out the garlic and tell these people that their negativity just isn't welcome anymore.
Tell Us
Do you have an emotional vampire in your life? Or do you suspect you may be one?
Add a Comment2 Comments
Very true! I work a few hours a week as a Carer. The people I look after are mostly old and have a variety of genuine problems.
September 24, 2010 - 1:46amMy husband is a bit of a drama queen, or whatever the male equivalent is. He groans and moans most of the time. I try not to let him see I've noticed, or he gets even more dramatic and starts limping, or says his heart is beating fast (well, that's good isn't it? It's only if it stops ..............).
Believe me, I do care about him and look after him and I've a few problems of my own, being in my 70s. But you can only sympathise with someone for so long before losing patience or interest!
My friends are mostly much younger than me. We meet as often as we can for coffee, a chat and a good old laugh. Thank goodness I have them. If they don't hear from me for a few weeks they're soon on the phone, or sending emails asking what's going on!
This Comment
Thanks for this article! I had a "vampire" in my life who was sucking a lot of energy from me. I didn't realise how much this person was affecting my life until our relationship came to an end. I felt like a ten tonne weight had been lifted off my shoulders! You know when a relationship has been really bad when you feel RELIEF and not GRIEF when that person has exited from your life.
I have a barometer for how I determine if a relationship is working for me or not -- if I feel great about myself, "bigger", my "best self" around them, then I know they are a positive force in my life. If I feel reduced, "less than", judged or evaluated all the time, then I know that peson is a vampire and is taking something vital from my life.
Being around this person made me feel "less than" and I constantly felt evaluated and coming up "wanting". That's no way to live your life. Get rid of the vampires, and if you suspect you might be one - it's never too late to take a different path, and start ADDING to the lives around you, not taking all the time.
September 23, 2010 - 4:25pmThis Comment