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It’s hard to know how to help loved ones without offending them in the process, especially when there is a mental health issue involved. In honor of Alcohol Awareness Month in April, experts provide some tips on how to approach a loved one who is engaging in problematic drinking behaviors.
Wes Tobin, a certified alcohol and drug counselor and program director at Harris House Treatment Center in Missouri, said the best way to approach loved ones who are having some type of drinking issue is with love.
“It's crucial for the individual to be approached with care and concern," Tobin said. "Preparation and guidance are key. Friends and family members need to educate themselves on the disease of alcoholism. A more caring, concerned approach will be fostered through a better understanding of the disease."
The person who is being approached should not get the feeling that they are being cornered and attacked by any means.
“Harris House has found that involving multiple people in approaching an individual is more effective,” Tobin said.
“It's important that everyone involved leaves outside issues at the door and focuses solely on the issue of alcohol abuse at hand. They must show that they care and are genuinely concerned about the individual.”
When approaching the individual, it is best to not only be prepared with knowledge of alcoholism and substance related disorders, but to also have clear evidence of how that person is engaging in problematic drinking behavior. Tobin suggested writing a list of specific situations where the drinking has been harmful to the individual and others.
"By the time a friend or family member sees and recognizes altered behaviors, the person is likely past the point of cutting down or reducing his or her alcohol use,” Tobin said.
“They need to seek treatment. The number one symptom of alcoholism is denial, and it's difficult to break through. Prepare your case and present the facts in a way that shows you are concerned and want to preserve a future relationship."
Besides describing harmful behaviors the individual has engaged in due to drinking, as well as documenting evidence to present to the individual, family members or friends also need to set boundaries and provide consequences with a person who is engaging in problematic drinking behavior.
“As friends and family members, you have to stop enabling the behavior,” Tobin said.
“Establish firm boundaries and stay dedicated to following the path you've outlined. Present a clear decision and allow the individual to determine his or her fate. You can't continue to make excuses for the alcoholic's actions, give money or bail him or her out. Remember - this isn't just about stopping the use of a chemical - this is about saving a life.”
Lisa Lannon, the co-founder of Journey Healing Centers, experienced this situation first-hand when she talked to her husband, and then he went to treatment.
This led them to create the center. She has some suggestions for approaching a loved one who is abusing alcohol.
“Let them know that you care and want them to be healthy,” Lannon said. “Explain that if something happened that has made them increase their drinking, that you are available to talk to them or will assist them in finding someone who can help them with any challenges they have.”
She said it’s also important to be prepared for when a loved one accepts they need treatment.
“The first step that you want to take is have a couple treatment facilities in mind or one picked out so if they say they are ready to go, it can happen quickly,” Lannon said. “Too often there is a short window of opportunity when they will say yes, and if action isn't taken quickly, they may change their minds and it becomes a wait game until they are ready again.”
If a loved one won’t get treatment, it’s best to set boundaries and action plans.
“Boundaries are very important in this instance, otherwise they will think they can continue to do what they are doing with no consequences,” Lannon said.
“Boundaries can be something as simple as - I will not answer the phone if you call after 2 p.m. (if they tend to call quite frequently while drunk), or - I will not allow you to drink in my house, or more serious - I will not hang out with you until you get help or I am leaving you.”
“Boundaries depend on the situation and relationship,” she added.
“More often they want to get help, but don't always know how or are ashamed. The more loving the conversations, the easier it is on the person with the dependence. Friends and family members also go through a tough time, but until the loved one gets help, the cycle will continue.”
Joseph Nowinski, a clinical psychologist and co-author of “Almost Alcoholic: Is My (Or my Loved One’s) Drinking a Problem?” said in an email that when approaching a loved one, it can be useful to point out a connection between an increase in drinking and an increase in harmful effects and consequences in that person’s life.
Also, it’s important to realize that problematic drinking behavior doesn’t necessarily mean that person has the disease of alcoholism.
“Most people do not need formal ‘treatment’ in order to change their drinking behavior,” Nowinski said.
“Only a small percentage of drinkers are alcoholics. Many more fall into what we call the ‘almost alcoholic’ zone of drinking, meaning that they are not alcoholics but neither are they simply social drinkers. For those people all they need is an insight into the connection between their drinking and its effects. They can then decide for themselves if they want to move back out of the almost alcoholic zone."
Sources:
Tobin, Wes. Email interview. April 18, 2012.
http://www.harrishousestl.org
Lannon, Lisa. Email interview. April 18, 2012. http://www.journeyrecoverycenters.com
Nowinski, Joseph. Email interview. April 17, 2012. http://www.thealmosteffect.com/about
Reviewed April 19, 2012
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith
Add a Comment5 Comments
Alcohol addiction disturbs humans mentally and this is not an easy job to easily get rid of this problem. One can get rid to this problem under the guidance of the experts.
January 4, 2013 - 4:12amhttp://highwatchrecovery.com/
This Comment
I completely agree. It's an addiction that's better fought with the help of people trained in overcoming alcoholism.
April 3, 2013 - 2:03pmThis Comment
Yes, the best way to approach loved ones who are having some type of drinking issue is with love... Great Blog, your have explained in very effective way, Its no doubt that today mostly younger has addicted of ALCOHOL which is not good for them. I really thankful to blog owner for a very caring post. I have found a site that can help you find a treatment center - http://www.rehabclinic.org.uk [Senerity Healthcare Centre]
October 31, 2012 - 3:59amThis Comment
It is sheer pain for an individual to see his or her dear one in the clutches of alcoholism. My 18 year old brother is already an alcohol addict and I want to take him to an alcohol rehab center. The problem occurs whenever I try to talk to him about my humble intentions and eventually I end hurting him up. Thanks for sharing so many helpful information on this page. I will keep this in mind while I discuss things with him.
July 19, 2012 - 2:40amThis Comment
Great blog. Its hard seeing a loved one struggling with addiction. The first step to recovery is getting help and there are rehab clinics that really do help. Riverview Manor is one and I made a full recovery witht he help of professionals there. Get help and take your life back
May 29, 2012 - 1:32amThis Comment