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Forming and maintaining relationships of any kind while suffering from depression is a difficult task, but experts have some tips for how you can have successful relationships.
Selina Matthews, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and an author, said there are four important aspects of successful relationships:
1) Integrity. “You say what you do and do what you say … Integrity in a relationship holds it together.”
2) Respect.
3) Authenticity. “To be authentic is to be honest and truthful about your feelings, because if you’re not honest and you’re trying to hide or feel bad about a situation … [that] ruins the intimacy of a relationship.”
4) Communication. “If you’re not having a dialogue, you can’t have a good relationship.”
Matthews said women with depression can struggle a lot more with making and maintaining successful relationships.
“Depression will make you feel depleted, fatigued, it will make you isolate, hide, remove your self-esteem, your self-confidence,” she said. “A lot of these things, when you’re trying to have a relationship, and you’re dealing with depression, it’s making it much more difficult. However, everybody has to go through difficult and challenging times, and if you have a good partner, [then] they should have no trouble understanding that. And that’s where being authentic and communicating what’s going on [is useful].”
She said relationships are about “meeting each other’s needs,” which can be more of a struggle when one person has depression.
“When someone is depressed, they have a harder time at it, but the partner will understand as long as they go into the basic requirements of meeting their needs,” Matthews said. “There’s a spectrum of needs that we all need in a relationship.”
It’s important for people with depression to get a psychiatric evaluation to see if medication can help the process of recovery, she said. Counseling and non-traditional methods, like herbs, acupuncture, massages, meditation, exercise and different foods, can also help people with depression help themselves, and therefore help their relationships.
“Depression is the body’s way of telling you you’re on the wrong path,” Matthews said. “It could be a pattern established in the family of origin of not being able to say what you want, and after a while … you’re going to be depressed.”
In long-term depression, she said you “become a victim to yourself.”
She said couples counseling or making a change can help.
“Do something with your life that makes you feel good about yourself,” Matthews said. “When you’re depressed, you don’t feel good about yourself because of whatever reason.”
For example, you could go back to school and make a career change. One of Matthews’ patients expressed a desire to go back to university, but she was resistant because her family was always against change and that rubbed off on her. Matthews then reinforced the positivity associated with change.
“Sometimes the family imprint will actually stick you into a depression that you don’t know how to get out of,” Matthews said. “And that’s why you always need a guide.”
Eve Kilmer, a clinical psychologist in Boulder, Colo., said that a successful relationship is defined by the number of positive and negative interactions, according to research by John Gottman.
“The number one difference they found between the couples that were happily married and stayed happily married, they had a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions,” Kilmer said.
She said criticism and defensiveness always make relationships worse, whereas talking about underlying feelings can help.
For both friendships and romantic relationships, mutual support is important. However, she agrees that depression can hinder relationships.
“The biggest tendency with depression is to isolate,” Kilmer said.
This can increase the depression and also put a strain on any relationships. It can depend on how depression is handled, because if depression is managed properly, relationships won’t necessarily be hurt.
“One of the best things you can do when you’re depressed, and it totally goes against the grain, is to schedule pleasurable activities,” Kilmer said. “In other words, get together with friends … and again you won’t want to do that, but it’ll pull you out of a depression faster.”
Having close relationships and friendships, getting treatment through counseling and medication, exercising, and managing stress levels can all help women get through depression, she said. Getting out of a depression or at least managing it can only help your current relationships.
Rebecca Daniel-Burke, the director of professional projects and career services at the American Counseling Association, said strength and flexibility are the foundation of a successful relationship.
“Part of any relationship is coming together from a place of strength and flexibility,” Daniel-Burke said. “It is very difficult to be flexible and feel strong when you are fighting depression. A person who is more typically fun and light-hearted can appear dark and angry when depression is not managed.”
Daniel-Burke also defined a successful relationship as including the four following concepts:
1) Flexibility. “Realizing that everyone has their ups and downs and life is ever-changing.”
2) Support. “Can move easily between the roles of supporter and the one needing support.”
3) Warmth. “Providing each other with companionship and the knowledge that there is someone out there who is thinking about me.”
4) Fun. “Never underestimate the value of humor and fun in any relationship. A good laugh can make even the darkest dilemma seem lighter.”
However, people with depression shouldn’t be considered weak and not able to give anything in a relationship.
“Some things that women with depression bring to a relationship are compassion and empathy,” Daniel-Burke said. “One who has felt the pain and darkness of depression is more likely to have compassion and empathy for others who experience any of life’s hardships.”
Realize your strengths and what you can give in relationships. Be aware of how you are treating others, and apologize and make amends when needed. Also educate friends and other loved ones about why you’re acting the way you are, and hopefully they will get a better understanding of where you’re coming from and they will be able to handle it better. Don't be afraid to tell your friends or partner that you aren't comfortable doing something or are unable to because of your depression. If you educate yourself about depression, you can also see some of these behaviors coming and try to treat your depression to avoid these behaviors.
Do you have depression? How do you maintain or form new relationships, including friendships?
Sources:
Matthews, Selina. Phone interview. May 31, 2011.
Kilmer, Eve. Phone interview. May 31, 2011.
Rebecca Daniel-Burke. Email interview. May 31, 2011
Reviewed June 1, 2011
Edited by Alison Stanton
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