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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Hi,
January 25, 2015 - 9:14pmI have previously made a post here about a guy I met online.
He is 29 and I am 21. We have been seeing each other for about a month. We are not dating yet, we usually hang out in my room (watching videos) and he stays until next day. We have slept together a couple of times but we haven't had sex. Since the first day that we met and he told me that he has autism, I hadn't ask him any questions about that but I've been really wanting to (I just don't want to be rude). He is really attractive and very kind. But I worry about some things: first, the age difference and second, the fact that he has autism. I don't know what to do, I have tried to keep myself emotionally distant from him because I want to get to know him well before thinking about dating. When I look at him (his physical appearance) I would love to have children with him but then, when he exhibits ritualistic repetitive behavior (I feel like I freak out but I don't show it), I doubt about forming a family with him. He looks and acts almost normal except for the weird head movements and other facial expressions that he does once in a while. Also, I worry that I would fall in love and then he would just start showing lack of affection. As of right now, he says that he likes to hold me and kiss me (I told him that he can only kiss my cheek). He says that I am special to him and that he is happy with me. Every time that he comes to see me he massages my arms and feet. He says that he loves spending time with me and that he cares about me. He told me that he likes to have his arm around me and feel my body next to his. I am so confused right now. Should I trust that he really feels emotionally attached to me? I'm afraid that it will go away. And also (a second question) would you give me any suggestions about my reaction to his repetitive behavior (It's a little bit hard for me to get used to it)?
This Comment
Hi SophieDlog, I only learnt about Aspies today.... Sweetheart, I want you to GOOGLE Dude, I'm an Aspie this will help you understand. This Guy Matt is an Aspie and has put it in Cartoon Form, you will be amazed.... With my partners repetitive behavior I talked to him about it.... Please read - Dude, I'm an Aspie
May 26, 2015 - 2:17amWould interested in what you think.... from Still Learing.
This Comment
Hopefully someone can help me. I've been involved with a 30 year old man with aspergers for the last four months. We are somewhere between friendship and coupledom. I sleep at his place almost nightly and see him almost every day. Today something crazy happened and I have no idea what to make of it or what to do. He was supposed to help me film something so I went over to his place. I was a little angry with him for not inviting me out to something the night before. He knew it so was trying to me cute, kissing, wrestling on the bed and said he wouldn't help me if I didn't kiss him. I laughed but said no i was still mad, then (mostly to be a shit) I said fine, I have other friends who can help me. (we were supposed to go buy an ipad before filming) suddenly he gets up and sits in his chair. I said i was going to change and he said he wasn't going to help me anymore. We joke a lot so I changed and waited and he said seriously, I'm not going to help you...maybe you should leave. I laughed and said no, you promised. He gets up changes and I said "seriously, are you really not going to help me?" he said no, and i want you to leave. I looked at him perplexed and said, ok, what's up? is everything ok? He said he didn't owe me an explanation and to get the fuck out of his house. I sat there for a second still confused then he preceded to grab my things and set them outside, then grabbed me and pushed me out. He's my best friend and we're very close so I am in shock. I sent him a text saying that I apologized if i overstepped or offended him in any way as that wasn't my intention b/c I value him so much in my life. He responded later saying never to text him again, and that he was blocking me. I am now blocked on facebook and I'm assuming phone as well. This all just happened within the last 4 hours and I'm devastated and completely confused about what happened. I read that sometimes they can overreact and have intense anger/violent mood swings but we are so close so I never thought I would be the target. Is there anything I can do to salvage what's happened here? How should I proceed? Is it possible if I give him space he'll change his mind? Please any help would be greatly appreciated.
January 16, 2015 - 8:53pmThis Comment
Hi. You don't need a guy like this. He's overreacting wildly to perceived rejection and a reminder that you have friends (I'm guessing he doesn't have so many).
The rule in this relationship will be "never remind him that you have things he can't or doesn't have, and never, ever reject him on any scale". That's a dangerous relationship. Be grateful for the early warning and don't go back.
March 27, 2015 - 7:22amThis Comment
Hi Im not sure if anyone can help .
December 25, 2014 - 7:42pmIm 38 female and have Autism and have become attracted to a man with autism.
I found out he is alot younger than me 22 and want to stop the emotion s Im feeling for him. I think he is attracted to me to and I wish he where older.
If no one can tell me how to stop my emotions then is there anyone who can explain how I tell him Im interested but concerned about age differance? MissieC
This Comment
Hello, I hope what I have to tell you helps. There is no way to stop the emotions you are feeling, because after all you are human, and having strong feelings like this is completely natural. It is okay to feel nervous, anxious, or even afraid when you go through something like this, but in all reality you are not alone. If you feel the way you do toward this man then the best thing you can do is to tell him the truth, and tell him exactly how you feel about the age difference to see how he feels. Sometimes I find that it helps to rehearse what I am going to say before I have an important conversation with someone, or to write it down first and read it to myself. It is natural to feel the way you are feeling, just remember that you can never know what will be until you try. :)
December 25, 2014 - 10:28pmThis Comment
My best friend has an autism spectrum disorder, and he is also my lover. We met 7 years ago and he has always been there to help, protect, and support me. He exhibits ritualistic physical behaviors, intense focus on specific/limited interests, brutal honesty, social anxiety, and sometimes a little narcissism. There have been a couple of times where I became sad or upset because of his honesty, but I know that my sadness was never the aim of his brutally honest nature. I can honestly say that I have never felt more loved and protected by someone in my entire life. If you are with someone who has an autism spectrum disorder it is important to understand the way in which his or her brain functions, and it is important to remember that a person's goodness cannot be determined by his or her disorder.
December 22, 2014 - 11:40pmThis Comment
I strongly agreed with you.
March 13, 2015 - 12:33pmBut if you fall in love with that person
Your heart will ache everyday
As he does not understand love
And will always chase someone else,
And categorise your relationship with him as
'Just a friend"
This Comment
It is incorrect to say that an autistic person does not understand love.
We most certainly do. We just express it and react to it in ways that are different from societal norms.
An autistic lover who has made a promise is more likely to be faithful to that promise, because we don't do the social manipulation and maneuvering and misleading lies that non-autistic people do. We are blunt because we are honest.
March 26, 2015 - 1:22pmThis Comment
Incorrect, people with AS do love and understand love. They may just not express it the way that NT's expect. This idea that aspies don't understand or feel love is a myth.
March 24, 2015 - 1:48pmThis Comment