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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Hi, I'm the woman you responded to. Sorry to hear about your situation. It's horrible that it has left you weak and feeling unwanted and confused. What made you promise him to stay no matter what? Who's is taking care of YOU? There are a lot of women in your situation on the website I mentioned here twice. That might help and encourage you a bit. I wish you love!
November 17, 2014 - 11:51pmThis Comment
I just broke off an engagement and postponed a wedding indefinitely with a man I so deeply love and cherish for the reasons you described. It is painful but so was the relationship at times. I felt I was beginning to compromise myself and my values at a certain point. They say in marriage it is the little things that matter. I want to feel loved regularly ie daily, not alone most days.
August 31, 2014 - 7:13amThis Comment
And this article is eye opening as well:
http://karinfriedemann.blogspot.nl/2009/12/aspergers-syndrome-wives-need.html
September 29, 2014 - 1:03pmThis Comment
Well, I think you did the right thing! There is a very helpful website for wives or girlfriends of men with Asperger's, called aspergerwife dot web dot com. Very helpful! Everytime when I read it, I feel like I escaped a horrible future (although I still love the guy) (I'm the one that you responded to by the way)
September 29, 2014 - 12:49pmThis Comment
My love interest has never asked about my past, family, thoughts, feelings or dreams either. I continue to be interested, want to be his girlfriend in the worst way, even if it's to find out "the hard way." Maybe subconsciously I can't process rejection or need a challenge but what I'm conscious of is that he's the best catch I've ever had in my life (at 51) in terms of common background/interests/lifestyle, and that he has so much going for him in terms job/financial security, and that I'm incredibly attracted to him. I know he'd be faithful, nonviolent and smart with money. Argh!
June 11, 2014 - 3:04pmThis Comment
I hear you! I am I am in the same situation and it is so hard. There aren't a lot of choices anymore.
October 29, 2014 - 12:01amThis Comment
Well I hope this relationship is going to work for you. But from what you wrote, I am fearful. It seems to be a lot about him. So many women end up lonely, rejected and unloved. I found this website particularly helpful: http://aspergerwife.webs.com/
All the best to you!!
June 11, 2014 - 10:44pmThis Comment
(I'm the one who started out her post saying i'm 50) - it's my reply above.
June 11, 2014 - 3:07pmThis Comment
And only after the relationship I found the reason for his behaviour: Asperger's. At least, that is what I am convinced of. He is either a selfish jerk or he has Asperger's and I am sure he's not the first.
June 11, 2014 - 2:55pmThis Comment
same here. My love interest isn't a selfish jerk either so that's why it just didn't compute.
June 11, 2014 - 2:59pmThis Comment