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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
My 15 year old daughter is dating a 17 year old boy who I suspect has Aspergers. I haven't yet met his parents--they've only been going out a little over a month--so there is no way to know for sure. He is very nice and polite but doesn't make eye contact at all, is extremely awkward socially, says random and sometimes inappropriate things, has odd gestures and posture and a strange walk, and I have heard him talking to himself on more than one occasion. He apparently makes straight A's in school but doesn't come across as all that intelligent. He is obsessed with playing a certain sport and was homeschooled for 3 years so he could focus on it. My daughter says even his texting is not that of a normal teen. When they are alone together they have fun and he is such a gentleman and loves to take my daughter out for dinner, movies, mini-golf, etc., and he is handsome and sweet. He does hug her and hold her hand but not constantly like the other boys she has dated. They were at a party over the weekend and she discovered he cannot dance--at all. He couldn't even attempt it. Not even slow dance by just swaying back and forth. He went home and got a dance lesson from his sister which was so sweet of him. My daughter is on the verge of breaking up with him--I think the comments of her friends and even some family members when they are in social situations are really getting to her and she doesn't know how to handle his oddness. I feel terrible for him because he really is such a nice boy and if he does have Asberger's, it is not something he can help, and I don't want him to be hurt. But at the same time my daughter is only 15 and maybe this relationship is just too stressful for her. Any comments?
September 3, 2012 - 8:05amThis Comment
When I was 15 I met a lovely boy with aspergers, yet the situation was quite the opposite. He was quite popular (because of his confidence supplied by drugs) but I wasn't very attractive so his obsession with me baffled us both, but other peoples opinions didn't matter to either of us. I fell hard and fast and we lost our virginitys together then a couple of months later he was occupied with something else. I wouldn't wish this on any 15 year old girl, it wasn't his fault so I could only blame myself whilst subconsciously feeling very used. Oddly enough a few years later I have a partner with aspergers (didn't know until we had fallen in love stupidly) And This time it's even more heart breaking, the gorgeous, loving, funny man I am in love with shows me barely any attention unless it's us two in my flat without a computer. But then I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Every time I try to break up with him he sobs his heart out for hours, it's torture!
December 4, 2012 - 4:46pmThis Comment
Don't pressure your daughter to stay in a relationship with him, no matter how terrible you feel for him and how much you don't want him to be hurt! No one deserves to be trapped in a romantic and/or sexual relationship that she or he doesn't want to be in.
*If* you pressure your daughter to not break up with him, *then* you're sending her the message that she doesn't have a right to say no to romantic and/or sexual contact that she doesn't want to have. You don't want to send her that message, do you?
September 3, 2012 - 3:13pmThis Comment
I absolutely agree!!! I should be an expert on being with an ASPIE for 12 years now. Pushing your daughter to be in a relationship with him will tell her she doesn't have the right to decide who she is attracted to , it will also send a message that his narcissistic behavior is acceptable for her to have to deal with... They can be adorable but they do have a strong tendency to be very very self absorbed.. and if you read up on it, you'll see that they also can change once the relationship comits more. They will drop the romantic efforts and find something else to focus on leaving the other person dumfounded as to what happened. Believe me.. it can be abusive ( not intentionally and very heart breaking for the NT person). Hindsight I wish I'd left a long long time ago when I realized he only wanted me , because he wanted me... then... and I was just a thing in his life... I can say it has been hell.. for sure... I've never been that important to him once we moved in together... and I never will. That is a hard thing to accept. Please don't push this on anyone. Friendship can be much more enjoyable for both than romance. If someone chooses it as an adult that is informed that is one thing... it's another to talk someone into it...
December 2, 2012 - 3:24pmThis Comment
Aspergers and narcissism are 2 different things. You're talking crap.
March 24, 2015 - 9:04amThis Comment
I so agree with what you have said here. I have been in a relationship with someone for a year, and I highly suspect that he has Aspergers. He said, after I asked him about my thoughts about this, that he sees no reason for people to have labels. He has said, though, that he has mild ocd.
He is very intelligent; has a Ph.D.
I have read a lot about Aspergers, and it seems that they are often attracted to those who are attracted to them, as often they have issues with socialization.
I have realized, over this year, that he never inquires about my feelings about anything. He doesn't ask about my past. I have gotten the feeling that I could be anyone. What I am seems to be unimportant - he is just happy with having someone to go places with. I feel he was sort of "casting" for a human being to be social with, and I have realized that I really prefer to be with those who want to be with me because they like me for specific reasons.
At first there was charm, and a romantic nature to him, and once he realized that I seemed "into" our relationship, this all slipped away. He is focused on other things now. It is like he went "shopping" for something, say, a lamp, found it, and, now can take care of pursueing the next item on the list. He was quick to ask if I wanted to commit to this relationship exclusively. He, I think, wishes for a kind person to be around, to keep loneliness at bay. He, I think, because we are getting older, doesn't want to face health issues by himself.
I have ADD, so, I have issues - which he needs to bring up all of the time (he seems to think that my having a label is just fine - as a matter-of-fact, he cites my situation as the reason that things go wrong, when they do, as he is without fault, nearly always).
I am thankful that I have noticed the things that I have mentioned, plus others, relatively early-on, as here, I have read comments from so many that have invested many years in relationships with those with similar issues.
I certainly wouldn't encourage anyone into entering a situation with anyone, not just those with Aspergers, just from what I might notice about the way things appear. I think only those involved in a relationship are truly "filled-in" with the scope of things. Shakespeare's words - "All the world is a stage . . ." Acting is easy to manage for a while. It likely gets tiring, after a while, to "act" charming.
I am not saying that my experience will be the case for everyone in a relationship with a person with similar traits. I have just appreciated the fact that others have taken the time to make mention of their situations. I, in turn, hope my thoughts will be of help for someone. We all know that everyone is different, and the saying about one bad apple.
March 29, 2013 - 5:57pmThis Comment
I was married with a man with asperger's syndrome and other problems. He was verbally abusive, yet charming and a great problem solver at times. Very smart in many ways but incapable of empathysing with other persons feelings. It was a nightmare. I think that everybody deserves love but if you see red flags you should take an educated decition. Otherwise you would be expecting things that are not going to happen and became resentful. I know that it would have been completely different if I knew back then that he had the syndrome.
August 28, 2012 - 9:25amIt was a time were the kids were getting emotionally hurt and I had to leave him. Long after I found out about his diagnosis.
I loved him profoundly but since I didn't know, that wasn't enough to stay together. I started to have panic attacks and get very sick.
If you see anything out of the ordinary in your partner you should have a professional opinion so you can decide based on that knowledge and get support if nedded.
God bless you all.
This Comment
I agree and found the information insightful. My boyfriend is Asperger's and we have been together for 2years, and he is probably one of the most sweetest, genuine, sensitive, creatively smart and caring person i have ever been in a relationship with. At times I do find myself questioning his emotional view on our relationship cause he say things but his actions do not add up to what he say; I mean yea we have had our problems, but he let me know that I do mean the world to him and that made me happy. We are having a baby! And I am excited and concerned, but i feel that we both have enough love inside us to take care of her and be successful parents.
August 20, 2012 - 10:34amThis Comment
My soon to be ex has Aspergers. Found out recently that he was dating people the same time as me at the beginning of the relationship. He's also been pleasing himself between the sheets and our intimacy has taken a nose dive. Recently I have found a red mark suspiciously resembling a tender lovebite on his body- something I haven't given for quite a while now.
All this he denies calling me paranoid and jealous.
Don't get me wrong-he is a sweet,sweet guy who tries his very best to hold a relationship-apparently I am his first proper girlfriend. I appreciate every single effort he does make, it means so much more than I can say. (Yeah right, he would say if he reads this) I have to limit my affections though because he gets scared when I come close-he denies this of course but has a tendency to view people, no matter who they are in a negative perspective first. He has also got the full backing of his friends who most likely know he's an Aspie, therefore stand by him that much more so if there's any problems between us, guess who gets a verbal beating and uncalled for judgement from strangers she's never even met? In the meantime all my friends and loved ones have met him. Aside from the communication problems, which I always point out is due to his LD, a majority of them think we are wrong for each other. This hurts. We both do what we can.
I have been his mentor through hygiene, personal grooming and love. I have communicated calmly and gently with him trying to discuss our problems through but he is always, always on the defensive preferring to slag me off to his supportive friends. He shouts at me calling me names and says he is only being assertive with me, but there a difference between being assertive and driving someone to tears. However I am the one that gets called a bully.
It looks like I have been nothing more than his learning curve which he can say 'Thank you, I love you but...'. To know this, again, is a blow because whoever reaps the benefits of what I have taught him will not be me.
Right now he knows the relationship is about to come to an end but is waiting for me to end it so I will look at fault and be the evil b**ch to leave him standing. Unfortunately each time I want to leave I remember only the good times and it keeps me back and I have to go through a new problem each time and chop and change tactics. Possibly in the future I will also be the one holding all the strings if we continue-he doesn't want to start a family or anything like that but I do.
July 15, 2012 - 7:22pmI have been told that I should make an effort to understand him better. Things is when you have someone who's blatantly lost interest in you shortly after making you feel on top of the world, what else is there to understand? Sounds like any other male jerk to me.
This Comment
To Anonymous on July 9th, I have to disagree. Although the AS brain's hardware is wired a bit differently from the NT's, it is enough to cause significant social/relationship problems, anxiety, etc., to be listed as Asperger's Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). Please note though, that there is a big difference between a mental disorder and a mental disease. Asperger's Syndrome is not a mental disease. Another way of looking at the word, "disorder," is simply "lack of order." In this case, the lack of order applies to the upheaval felt by both the AS and NT when what is expected as the general "social/relationship norm," is difficult or impossible for the AS to maintain.
February 25, 2012 - 1:25pmThis Comment