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We Are Family: Navigating Living with Extended Family pt.2

 
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Co-habitating with extended family rarely goes as expected. But there are some steps you can take to help it go as smoothly as possible and preserve your sanity when you open your home.

Here are five points my sister and I discussed before her family of four stayed with my family of four in our home for two weeks. I also asked friends who have had family stay with them what they recommend.

1. Set a reasonable start date and end date for the arrangement. It’s never a good idea to allow someone to move in with you and not have an idea of how long they will be sharing the roof over your head. There are few things worse than having a slug on your sofa for an indeterminate amount of time. If a particular date can’t be settled on for the end of your hospitality, then make sure goals are clearly identified at the forefront. Also make sure your guests have a plan for how any goals will be reached. Does your family member need to get back on their feet? Or are they just in limbo and waiting for a new job to start or a new home to be ready? Being able to label the nature of the help you are giving will make the arrangement go better. Check in regularly to make sure the milestones are being achieved, and readjust as needed.

2. Outline expectations of what house guests will be responsible for. Are they going to be paying rent? Will they contribute to the household by doing chores or buying groceries? Set this up ahead of time, so everyone is in the know and no one is left wondering if they are taking advantage or being taken advantage of. If needed, write it up in a personal contract type of format so it is in black and white. Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than having misunderstandings and misgivings.

3. Designate a sleep space for your house guest(s), and a bathroom they should use. Also make sure they have clean towels and linens to use. If you don’t have a guest room, let Uncle Ted sleep on the sofa bed, or in your son’s room. Show them how to, and allow them use of your appliances so they can do their laundry or make coffee in the morning. Make sure adults have semi-privacy for when they are sleeping. If they are bringing their children, make the sure school-aged ones have a comfortable place they can get some shut-eye and good rest without being bothered by younger children waking mid-night.

4. Consider your own family. If a member of your immediate family is being up-rooted so Aunt Gladys can have a place to rest her head at night, then make sure your child is rewarded for being flexible, and has a comfortable alternative place to sleep and keep their favorite things. Understand that having family members stay at your home will be an adjustment for everyone in your family too. Let them express their concerns to you and discuss how those concerns can be alleviated.

5. Share daily schedules. This way, no one should be counter-effecting each other. If your house guest is a night owl, you don’t want them staying up late watching TV when you need to get up at 6am to go to work. Make sure that everyone is on the same page, and your house guest knows how your home usually ebbs and flows so they can get in the mix smoothly.

Family is great for being able to help each other out and support each other as the need arises. With a little planning ahead of time, everyone will come out of your co-habitation feeling good about themselves, open to having you stay with them again in the future if you need to again, and your family will be closer than ever from the shared experience.

Christine Jeffries is a writer/editor for work and at heart, and lives in a home of testosterone with her husband and two sons. She started a women's group, The Wo-Hoo! Society, in the interests of friendship, networking, and philanthropy. The group meets separately on a monthly basis in the Phoenix and Kansas City areas. Christine is interested in women's health and promoting strong women.

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.