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The sonogram tech welcomed me into her little cave of a room, and had me hop up on her examination table. I assumed the position, lying on my back with my belly exposed, and pants drawn down enough to get the sonogram rollerball mechanism on my abdomen where it needed to be.
As she moved the mechanism through the cold gel to get a good look at what was going on inside my uterus, she periodically would vocalize a “hmmmmmmm.” She worked at taking measurements of the little bean, and then turned to me with a sympathetic look. She began, while pointing to a model on the wall symbolizing the milestones of fetus growth, “your baby was about this big, and by now at 12 weeks, it should be this big.”
I instantly went into shock, and with widened eyes that already were welling with tears, I said, “What do you mean, should … is something wrong?”
“Yes honey,” she said gently, “I’m so sorry, but your baby has died. It stopped growing, and it died. I don’t see a heart beat.” I burst into tears, and shook in disbelief.
“I’m going to see if one of the doctors can meet with you. Did someone come with you today?”
“No, no. I’m here alone,” I croaked through my tears. All alone. New in town, and my husband out of town for work. Time started to move in a haze.
The sonogram technician escorted me through the office halls to one of the doctor’s offices that was not in use. She gave me a box of tissues, and instructed me to wait for the nurse to come get me. I tried to call my husband working in New Orleans, but couldn’t get in touch with him. I tried to call my sister who lived in town, but she was in a meeting. I called my Mom in Chicago, and reached her. My tears were flowing as I explained to my mom what happened. I was completely bewildered.
When the nurse came back, she showed me to a room where I met with my new doctor. The doctor seemed like she could've been a friend of mine. She explained to me that I had a spontaneous miscarriage. They don't know why it happens, but it does happen in roughly 1 of every 4 pregnancies. My options were to let it pass naturally from my body, or to have a procedure performed where they would remove it. I opted for the procedure, not wanting death to be inside me for any longer than it needed to be, baby or not. The nurse came back and ushered me down the back flight of stairs to my car--they didn't want me to have to see anyone or for any pregnant ladies to have to see me in such a mess.
We scheduled the Dilation & Curettage (D&C) for the next morning, and arrived at the hospital at 7 a.m. to go through the paperwork and get prepped. The nurses-in-training poked and prodded as they attempted to find a good vein what wouldn’t roll. The hospital chaplain came to visit and said a prayer with my husband and me. Then the doctor came in, and explained again that they were going to dilate my cervix (about the size of a large pencil), and then use an instrument called a curette, which has a flat, metal loop on the end to scrape away the miscarried remains along with inside lining of my uterus.
The procedure didn’t take long, and required general anesthetic. I stayed at the hospital for the rest of the day, because my blood pressure wouldn’t go up to normal levels following the surgery.
Back at home, I had a lot of cramping and bled for a few weeks that seemed to increase with my activity level. I worked through the emotions as best I could, and had a rough time for the next few months. In hindsight, I should have been on anti-depressants, but luckily, I got pregnant three months later which really helped me to focus on being healthy and looking forward to a new baby. The next 2 pregnancies went with little to no complications, and we now are blessed with two adorable little boys.
Have you ever had a miscarriage? Tell us your story. Writing truly can be cathartic.
Christine Jeffries is a writer/editor for work and at heart, and will be celebrating Christmas at her family’s home of testosterone with her husband and two sons. She started a women’s group, The Wo-Hoo! Society, in the interests of friendship, networking, and philanthropy. Christine is interested in women’s health and promoting strong women.
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thanx Christine! u r really very supportive 2 me, i m truly obliged :)
March 11, 2011 - 11:20amThis Comment
Think nothing of it. That's what we're here for. :)
March 11, 2011 - 12:04pmGood luck at your next appointment, and let us know how it goes.
Take care,
Christine
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Hi snq,
March 11, 2011 - 8:47amTry to not worry, and instead you may want to concern yourself with only things you can actually control. Meclizine is commonly prescribed to deal with motion sickness (Meclizine information). If you are hesitant to take it, then don't take it. Vitamin B6 often is suggested to take as a supplement to help with morning sickness. If your morning sickness is unbearable and you can't otherwise function, you may want to take something to help deal with it. But if you think you can put up with it and try some home remedies (Home Remedies for Motion Sickness), you may want to do that.
I was in the middle of a move from Arizona to the midwest during that time, so I know I was under a lot of stress. But that being said, no one will tell me that the stress or anything I did killed our fetus--it is highly more likely that it was a genetic abnormality that caused the spontaneous abortion (clinical term for miscarriage in first trimester). There are things you can control and those you can't. It happened. There was nothing I could do about it. So that's that--to think otherwise is self-torture, and it's not worth it. We now have two wonderful children that I cherish. It all works out in the end.
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nup, i m already a mother of around 4yrs old cute baby girl & this wud be my 2nd baby... yeah, i m constantly feeling the morning sickness along with the persistent feeling of fatigue n anxiety ...which might b due 2 my low level of hemoglobin etc (as my most recent CBC report shows) , wht do u say???? actually i m pretty scared after reading abt ur past xperience :-S
March 10, 2011 - 10:17amthough my gyno is constantly boosting my moral up, by saying tht dnt worry everything is ok this time...but my previous 2 consecutive xperiences r still haunting me alot!
by the way, wht were ur feelings b/w tht 8th wk & 12th wk of ur concerning pregnancy? the symptoms suddenly faded? or wht ws the difference?
sorry 2 bother u time n again...but hope u can well undrstand my feelings n fear too...right?
1 more thing i wanted 2 ask is that my gyno hs prescribed me "Meclozine, B6" to keep my morning sickness under-control...is this a safe kind medicine in this condition? as there is an ancient myth in our family tht controlling nausea n morning sickness of pregnancy ends in baby's abnormality or death etc.... plzzzz help me out !!!!!!!!!!!
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so sorry 2 hear abt ur painful xperience. me 2 hv suffered frm such kinda xperience twice within a yr & i can understand how deep the pain is.... but now i m blessed with a nxt chance & this is the 11th wk of my pregnancy, everything seems pretty smooth... i myself heard the fetal-heartbeat by the 8th wk's ultrasound thatz y i m very much satisfied now...can u plz tell me one thing thtz really pinching me here "in the above mentioned case, did u really see/heard ur baby's heartbeat @ the 8th wk? which unfortunately stopped by the end of ur 1st trimestre?" or somehow i just hv misundrstud ur story?...as u know i m in my 1st term & dnt wanna lose my hope this time.... so plzzzzz tell me, anxiously waiting 4 ur reply
March 10, 2011 - 7:32amThis Comment
Hi SNQ,
March 10, 2011 - 8:30amIn that first pregnancy back in 2005, I had a sonogram at 8 weeks, so I saw the little heartbeat on the screen. Something out of my control happened between that and 12 weeks where the baby stopped growing and died. It is said that if a pregnancy is lost before 15 weeks it is commonly a genetic problem that caused the loss--nothing I could have done could have helped or prevented the thing from happening. If you already are at 11 weeks, that's great!! Congrats! I hope you have smooth sailing the rest of your pregnancy. There always is hope...try to remain calm as much as you can.
Are you having loads of symptoms? Try to enjoy this time as much as you can. Will this be your first baby? I don't recall from when we "talked" months ago.
Good luck, and let us know how you're doing. There are some great pregnancy articles here. Just click on the word, and look through the links provided.
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