"The Professional, High-Functioning Bipolar Patient"
3. Can I take (normal and not-so-normal) risks?
I know that if I go to New York City, it might set me off. But I love New York City. There’s no other city like it. Should I go?
4. How do I cope if I start to get ill?
Who will watch my child? Can I work if I’m delusional? I’m in remission now, but there’s no cure to this thing. What will happen if I get sick?
5. Should I marry?
Who would want to marry me? How can I trust a total stranger?
6. Should I have/raise children?
Will I pass the illness to my child? Will children be too much stress? Will anyone let me adopt?
7. How much responsibility can I handle at work?
I love what I’m doing, but I feel like I’m on a tightrope, like I might fall off at any minute. Should I ask for a promotion or stay where I am? Will more work make me sick?
8. How does my illness relate to my spirituality?
I once thought I was Jesus. Does this make me closer or farther from God? If I can’t get out of bed to go to church, will I be pardoned?
9. Will I become seriously ill again?
I can’t go back in the hospital. Someone will find out. I hate how in the hospital you can’t lock your door. Will I survive another hospitalization?
10. Should I be proud of myself?
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I find your questions, and answers, almost chilling in their brutal honesty. As a daughter of someone with bipolar disorder, your question #6 has haunted me for much of my life. My mother really shouldn't have had children. Much of my childhood was a roller coaster nightmare. And yet somehow I survived it intact, with my sanity.
Lately I have been wrestling with #8. I heard a wonderful sermon at church recently asking about what kept us from deepening our personal relationship with God, and for me I have to say I am terrified of falling into religious mania.
I feel I cannot practice my faith properly as I am so fearful of becoming crazy obsessive or delusional.
(I am proud of how well I am doing with most of these issues however. Perhaps this piece could be fleshed out to talk about the specific tools that can get us through most of these?)
Oh, I totally hear you on that one! Before my mom got help via meds and therapy, she had major issues with this. I was shocked once when I went into her home and it was completely filled with religious icons, statues, crosses, paintings of Jesus, etc. It was crazy and really terrified me. Just like anything else I guess, religion can become an obsession, and it's probably easier to get sucked into it in a big way when you're already feeling helpless and out of control as it is. What helped my mom was simply the combination of therapy and meds. She's now able to enjoy a deeply (but not too deep!) satisfying relationship with God and loves her involvement in her church. I think once you have the confidence that you're receiving effective treatment, you can let yourself go a little and know you won't go off the deep end.
I am a bipolar who, when symptomatic, thinks God is against me. It's a love/hate relationship that correlates with my mood swings.
So my question is: How does a bipolar have a true relationship with God?
Well, the word 'faith' means believing in what you can't see. That's the short answer. In truth, it's normal to be skeptical about a higher power. In fact, based on reality on Earth, it's darn near ABNORMAL, if numbers mean anything, to have an unfaltering relationship with God.
You may not adhere to this, but with God, I keep it basic and rational: HE is omnipetent and omnipresent, and as such, he's everywhere and in charge of all things. Mix that up with saying 'well, he's not in charge of ALL things, because some are bad'...
...and you lose me. They don't call him GOD for nothing. So to your question: keep it simple and kind. Thank Him when you can, lean on Him when you must, trust him if you can't quite find it in you that moment to thank him (the concept of 'trust' is hard--it'd require another long post) and you're going to be OK.