Women's Internalized Oppression: Undermining Your Own Sexuality
"Slut!"
Like children telling stories about a scary old man, women criticize each other's sexuality - from a safe distance.
"Slut!"
It's hit and run.
"Slut" is what women call a woman who is "too" sexual. It's someone who can enjoy sex without being in love. Someone who admits she enjoys sex more than a woman "should." In other words, it's a woman who can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to.
"Look at her, all over him. Is she even wearing a bra? God, anyone can tell what's on her mind...what is she, a nympho?"
But there are costs to this sisterly vigilance. Aware that others will be judging them, it makes women wonder if they're withholding their sexuality "enough." Or it makes them proud that they do. Either way, it says that repressing yourself is an important part of sexuality and relationships. And that's a destructive idea.
Women are caught in a historical collision between the sexual values of the past and future. Religion, the media and our families are sending out contradictory messages about sexuality that are driving women crazy.
Consider: Today's woman is supposed to be sexy, but not too sexy.
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Actually, you can see a real dichotomy in our society here. A women who has sex with lots of men is called a "slut," but a man who has sex with lots of women is called a "stud." Right there is the problem. What you are saying is that it is wrong for people, but I suspect you really mean women in particular, to enjoy sex outside of a relationship. I'm not sure what "Mindless pointless promiscuity" is supposed to be. Are you suggesting any sex outside of a relationship is pointless? or mindless? So what is the "point" of sex in a steady relationship?
-remaai
I've never been comfortable with my sexuality, but I don't want my daughters to feel that way so I tell them all the time they are smart, beautiful, and to compare themselves with the beautiful airbrush cadavers they see on magazines. I have told them that sex is a beautiful thing if you wait until the right person comes along, and if you think things over and decide that even if things don't work out you will have no regrets to have shared such an intimate experience. At the same time I have told them to wait until they can make a conscientious decision about when to start being sexually active. I also have a son and have given him the same advice. I don't believe in double standards in my house the rules are the same for my boy and my girls.
This is a wonderful thing to tell children. I wish my mother would have been open enough to tell me that sex can be beautiful when shared between loving partners, rather than leading me to believe that it is always sinful.
P.S. correction, not to compare themselves with the beautiful airbrushed cadavers they see on TV, magazines, etc.
I was raised by a single mother who was abused as a young woman, so sex was a weapon used against yourself, it was a means to an end, it was destructive and powerful and poisonous- but never wholesome, never loving. It was on one hand thrilling and on the other hand horrific. I was raised to see my body as a sexual object, and any male attention that was romantic was deemed predatory. He only wants me for sex (not even for my body because I was overweight and men don't like fat women.)
Here I am now, a grown woman with a beautiful husband who loves me for me, we have wonderful sex and yet...I still struggle with thinking that my husband sees my body for real. I secretly think he must be delusional, or blinded by his love for me (how weird! how sick it sounds when I say that!) I engaged in all sorts of clandestine sexual affairs before I met him, and always believed that these men just wanted a hole (pardon my bluntness, but it is there for a point.) and not me. That any woman or toy would do, I just happened to be the more handy option.
From a wounded woman seeking healing, I am so grateful you took the time to listen to woman and report back on common themes in our lives. I was a daughter raised by a woman whose critiques (she should not be wearing that- does she know how cheap that looks?- Loser!- Slut!) painted my entire view of body image and sexuality. Please be good to your daughters. they listen to everything you say, and they hear every word you don't. I know.