Women's Internalized Oppression: Undermining Your Own Sexuality
"Slut!"
Like children telling stories about a scary old man, women criticize each other's sexuality - from a safe distance.
"Slut!"
It's hit and run.
"Slut" is what women call a woman who is "too" sexual. It's someone who can enjoy sex without being in love. Someone who admits she enjoys sex more than a woman "should." In other words, it's a woman who can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to.
"Look at her, all over him. Is she even wearing a bra? God, anyone can tell what's on her mind...what is she, a nympho?"
But there are costs to this sisterly vigilance. Aware that others will be judging them, it makes women wonder if they're withholding their sexuality "enough." Or it makes them proud that they do. Either way, it says that repressing yourself is an important part of sexuality and relationships. And that's a destructive idea.
Women are caught in a historical collision between the sexual values of the past and future. Religion, the media and our families are sending out contradictory messages about sexuality that are driving women crazy.
Consider: Today's woman is supposed to be sexy, but not too sexy.
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A "slut" is not someone who "can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to". It is not an accusation made by a woman who is sexually repressed.
When I see a woman I would call a "slut", I am looking at a woman who seems to lack self-respect, meaning that she is the type to act like a porn star (as in: fake), and degrade herself to please her partner while neglecting her own needs.
Calling someone a "slut" is destructive, but not in the sense you are saying it is, Dr. Klein. This criticism does not sabotage one's own sexuality!
Women should please their mates. But they should actively pursue their own sexual pleasure as well. This seems to be the message you are sending, which I agree with. If I think a woman is a slut, I am feeling bad for her! You seem to think the slut is doing it right, but she is not an example of "healthy adult sexuality".
Women should be comfortable with their bodies! This does not mean women should dress "sexy". Dressing sexy may make a woman feel empowered, but think about it. When a woman dresses like that, she gets a lot of looks from men, many of which are unwanted looks - the women get offended or feel uncomfortable, particularly if the male in question is 'unattractive' etc. And when the looks are appreciated, that is still a woman, being judged by a male, and judging herself by that male's approval or disapproval. If you don't need a man to feel sexy, you should't need lingerie to feel sexy either.
The part about women turning themselves on is a good point though, I do believe. :]
Dear Anon, if I choose to dress sexy, and share my physical charms with people around me, why would I then be offended by admiring glances? How is highlighting my physical body disrespectful of my person? Or make me "slutty" as your comments imply? I have a body (not a great one, but not a bad one either), if someone wants to admire it, have at it. IMO, you should enjoy the view around you, whether it's the landscape, cars, houses, flowers or an attractive person.
Having been athletic and muscular when I was younger, and then ballooning up to nearly 300 lbs while married, and now on the way to fitness and health again (at 40), I find myself in an interesting position. Being married for nearly 20 years, and then widowed, has granted me the strength to pull off the blinders I wore for so long. I have a much healthier view of my body and my sexuality than I have for years.
I have always been as sexually aggressive as most men. Growing up, I frequently restrained myself from enjoying the ultimate act of sharing and pleasure you can have with someone else, for fear of offending societal mores. After I married my husband, things were better, but not all that much. This is not to suggest that I wanted to have sex with anyone other than my husband. I didn’t. I just wanted to have sex more often and be more open about trying different things than he did.
As a result, I have been sexually frustrated most of my life - and turned to food to compensate. Ugh! I was a mess. Now, though, it’s like an epiphany. I don’t know if I’ll remarry (I hope I find someone again), but regardless, I know that I intend to enjoy sex without guilt. Sleeping around doesn’t appeal, but I am not going to pretend that I am sexually neuter either!
Grendels04,
I'm sorry for your loss and frustration.
It is possible to dress in a sexually appealing manner without being distasteful.
I'm not saying it's right, but when a woman dresses a certain way, she attracts men whether or not that was her intention.
You seem to be open to the looks you are attracting, which is great.
Speaking only from my own observations in many cases a man will think a woman is looking for a partner when she dresses a certain way, and when he goes up and speaks with her, she turns him down without considering him. If you are actually looking for a partner, then by all means, dress like it. I'm just warning that dressing that way WILL attract men to you.
A woman is disrespecting herself if she needs that attraction to feel that she is sexy. I'm not saying that every person who dresses that way is disrespecting themselves, only that they should feel sexy even if they don't get those looks.*
I do not mean that dressing "slutty" makes a person a slut.
My definition of slut- a person who will sleep with almost anyone, with few standards.
Therefore, the only thing that makes a person a slut is sleeping with many random people and not caring who they are sleeping with.
I do not believe that it's wrong for a person to sleep around, if they are doing it (safely) for their own pleasure with consenting partners who are doing it for the same reasons whom they will also try to please. (Not because they are drunk, not because they are being pressured into it, not to make up for a void in another area of their life etc. But BECAUSE THEY WANT TO).
I am not suggesting that you "pretend" anything, I am suggesting quite the contrary!
You should NOT feel guilty about doing anything that makes you comfortable, especially when it makes those you are with feel comfortable.
You seem to be a wonderful, confident woman and you will find someone who wants the same things you want, definitely.
Have fun!!
:]
*I have a very sexy friend who dresses modestly, is brilliant, funny, and diplomatic. She knows she is sexy, yet men don't try to pick her up. She is very friendly, but guys just assume she is not looking for anyone since she dresses the way she does. Meaning that men WILL think a woman is looking for something when she dresses to show off her body.
Whatever you mean by 'slut', it still has negative connotations almost purely associated with women and although you may believe that women should not suppress their own sexual desires, it still implies such an ideology. By putting women down by calling them 'sluts', you are only encouraging other women and men to do the same, thus making it harder to break these gender roles. So by calling a pornstar a slut, although she is (i feel, as you do) disrespecting and degrading herself, does this attacking actually help progress towards a view where women can be comfortable with their sexuality as men are, or encourage women to suppress their sexuality in order to comply to social 'norms', or destructively flaunt it in search of approval from men? Notice how you do not mention or criticise male pornstars, are they not equally degrading or disrespecting to themselves, or is this because our culture deems a high libido in males part of their nature and therefore allowed?
Wow, after having read your article and then reading some of the comments left in response to it, I'm blown away. Did everyone read the same article? I don't recall it promoting sex with just anyone and everyone. You helped me to feel better about that fact that I do enjoy sex with my mate. I have no problem letting him know what I like or when I would like it. I am "swept away" every single time we make love. He makes me feel like I am the sexiest woman on earth. We have no set time limit on sex or foreplay. Sex is not just for making babies, it is not dirty, and it is not just for men to enjoy.