The Season of New Beginnings
He was 19 at the time and quite frankly, driving me nuts. In the weeks before his departure, I was actually looking forward to delivering him into the tender hands of the drill sergeant!
To my surprise, I was totally unprepared for the reality of his leaving – for the void that I felt – the grief for the loss of his presence (yes, he was driving me nuts and I missed it!) – the emptiness that permeated from his room. It was six weeks before I could walk in his room without crying. I was suffering from what we’ve come to refer to as “empty nest” depression.
Why was I so upset? It wasn’t that I was not happy for him. In fact, the very opposite was true. He was living his dream. How could I not be happy for him? My grief was for myself. I was mourning my personal loss. I loved everything about being a parent. Like so many women, I poured my heart and soul into being a parent. I had voluntarily put my hobbies and interests on to the back burner for years. The truth was that a large part of my “identify” was wrapped up in being the “mom.” As he made the passage into his future, my self-identity shifted. If I was no longer the mother of “children” living at home, who was I?
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What an excellent article of how you not only gave yourself permission to move on but how you also made a conscious decision to change the meaning of "empty nest".
Many don't realize, like you have, that we all have the power to change the meaning of any event. You changed the meaning from losing your identity to finding the opportunity to invent a new identity or rediscover an identity you had years ago that you enjoyed.
I truly believe that every event that happens has the potential to be a powerful force for both "good" or "bad" in our lives. I think that the difference in the ultimate outcome rests within ourselves. We may not be able to control the event, but we have a choice on how we ultimately respond to the event. That response makes the difference between "life" and "death" in terms of how we live.
It would have been very easy at that point in time in my life to lose myself for good. In fact, it would have been much easier than the path I chose. Leaving my comfort zone was one of the hardest journeys I ever started. In the long run, the struggle has been so worth it. I'm so glad I made the choice that I did. It's also had the benefit of setting an example for my daughter (who is transforming her life at the moment) and my granddaughter as well.
Mary, that was very inspiring. Did you really find a bucket of stink bombs in his room? That would have stopped my tears as well. It's a wonderful gift you gave your children of actually loving them and caring for them while they changed from chubby caterpillars to beautiful butterflies.
I actually did find an honest-to-goodness (or is that badness?) stink bomb in a gallon jar under his bed. He worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken just before he left for the Marines and had been bringing home leftover mashed potatoes and gravy to add to the concoction (trying to gain optimal "stink" power)! He used to tell us that he kept dreaming his bed was a bucket of chicken. After cleaning out from under his bed, I knew why!!!
I loved your analogy of "chubby caterpillars to beautiful butterflies." I think we all love the chubby caterpillar stage but when you finally see that butterfly in full flight - well, it's just awesome and so worth the loss of the caterpillar.
I like your optimism! These days, I see too many people worrying about the future instead of living in the present. Thank you for a better perspective!