How to Act Like An Old Lady
Sample a few things here and there by simply reaching into the dishes with your hands. After several samples and several long minutes, decide you would be better served if you headed across the street to McDonald’s, where the coffee is free for seniors!
7.) When the nation elects a new President, get nervous, call your daughter-in-law, and lament relentlessly about how worried you are about your financial future.
8.) Ask your grandkids if you are in their wills!
9.) Gross out the great-grandkids who reach into your purse for a mint and find two baggies side-by-side. Tell them one bag holds your leftovers from that meal at McDonald’s and that the other baggie holds your stool sample for your doctor. The mints will remain in your purse untouched from there on out.
10.) At age 102, experience a phenomenon that would appall most women: start menstruating again. “I have seen this in some women her age,” noted her doctor. To which I reply, “Exactly how many women her age have you seen?” Grandma was just upset as she had to go buy “those dang maxi pads” again.
11.) Decide that, at 104 years of age, you want to pack up and move….start over, as you are getting rather bored in your current location.
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Add A New Comment21 Comments
Ann,
I'm astonished! How wonderful! This is one of my favorite posts of all time.
Even coming from a family where the woman are long-lived, I am in awe of your grandmother. I and most of my friends are just past 50, and a person does a lot of thinking right around 50 about "the next 50" and what it might hold. How much potential is there for new skills, new experiences, new arcs of development? How much time is left and how good can that time be? What will we do in our second 50 that we didn't or couldn't do in our first 50? What are the possibilities?
Thanks for reminding all of us that we better get off our keisters and get to it, because with your grandmother working on "her third 50," clearly the rest of us have some work to do in this regard! She's leaving us in the dust!
Every time I feel like I need a break or something, I merely think of my grandma and how much she has done in her life. From that perspective, I have my work cut out for me!
What a great story--it was a joy to read!
I am so curious---where did your grandmother move to?
I am also astonished that "growing old" for women is something to be dreaded and despised. We are all getting older every day, and I am saddened to see "the elderly" not being treated with respect, or sought-out for their stories.
I am in my mid-30s, and am receiving messages every day (magazine, internet, TV, junk mail) that I should make it my life mission to do everything in my power now to stop the aging process---no wrinkles, no gray hair. Why are we accepting that these qualities are ugly in the first place? I hope current and future generations will combat this negative stereotype and embrace beauty--regardless of age!
I think that society often confuses the words "elderly" or "old" with the words "frail" and "irrelevant." Ann's grandmother may be old, but she's about as far from frail or irrelevant as it gets -- and I imagine she gets plenty of respect!!
But I think once an older person starts to become frail, society starts writing him or her off, as though they no longer matter, they no longer have anything to contribute. And in a culture where that exists, I think it's natural for people to not want to appear to be old. It's almost a math equation:
If O=I and O=G, G is negative.
(As long as old=irrelevant and old=gray, gray will be seen as negative.)
When we see young people adding gray streaks to their hair because it makes them look cool, then we'll know we're getting somewhere!
I love her,too. I'm a shirttail relative and proud to say so.