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what should i do?

By May 8, 2012 - 1:25pm
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When i was 10 years old i went to a party that takes about 1 hour and a half to walk to from my house, to pick up my older brother, One of my older sisters friends where there and he said he had saw my brother and he'd take me to him, we went round in circles but we couldn't find him, he asked me if he wanted to go for a drive for a bit and see if we can see him around the streets, and i agreed because i knew him. he strapped me in and then when i opened my mouth he kissed me, he was good looking and i had a little crush on him, so i went red, he said to me, sorry i thought you were leaning in. i said oh no its fine. even though i was ten i looked about 14, my body was matured and i was the same size as the average 14/15 year old, he was 17. so obviously he thought i was older than 10. he kissed me again and this time i pushed him away, he said i thought you liked it and i said no, the first time it was a mistake and you did it by accident. He said yeh well how do you know if you like it if you don't give it a try? he pulled off his pants and held my hands back with one hand and covered my mouth with the other, he forced himself on me and no matter how loud i screamed or how hard i kicked no one seemed to come for me and stop him and he didn't seem to notice. he removed his hand and forced me to kiss him, which i wouldn't, after a while he pulled up his pants, and ran off, drunk. i walked the long walk home to find the door unlocked but my parents still at work, i went in and got in the shower, on full heat, i thought burning my body would get the shame off. I was so disgusted, i crawled into bed and screamed myself to sleep. everynight i was woke up by nightmares, i still am almost 2 years later, this happened on december 17th 2010, i cry myself and scream under my quilt where no one can hear me. My sister found out when i was 11 , i was 11 a month after i was raped, instead of doing anything about it she started to date the guy who raped me, i was even forced to sit next to him sometimes, in the front room with my family or at meals, he would put his hand on my lap under the table and smile at me! i told my brothers girlfriend first, she was one of my best friends and i loved her like a sister, considering my real sister would go to the darkest corners of the world to see me unhappy, she new how much it hurt me, my brothers girlfriend helped me in everyway, but then, i started to throw up in the morning and i always felt to sick to go to school, i slept until about 2 in the afternoon after going to bed at 10pm my school finished at 3.30 so i missed losts of days, i found my period was late and i asked my brothers girlfriend to get me a pregnancy test, i took two, the first one said negitive, and i was so releaved, after all i was an 11 year old year 6 girl, i was a top student and was getting ready for high school, i couldn't have a baby, but then she got me a more expensive one, a clearblue one and it showed me that it was positive. i had lots of sleepless nights after that and everything i ate made me feel sick. i ended up not eating. my peers made fun of me since my closest friends found out, they had told people and other people had told other people, they were all very considerate at first but then one boy spread round that i made it up and started calling me a slag and stuff like that, when i had vowed i would loose my virginity on my honeymoon. he spread that i had had sex with someone and got knocked up and thats why i lied and said i got raped, thats only if i was pregnant, people turned on me, people where ashamed to be seen with me, my best friends , well we never speak now, i stopped eating, but then i started to look forward to being a mum, my boyfriend had found out and believed the rumours instead of my story. He broke up with me. I stopped eating at school, and this whole time my parents had no idea. so i concentrated on one thing , my baby, but i was 2 months pregnant and i was starting to show, i covered up alot wearing big hoodys and jumpers and stuff. i started to become very self concious, my brother still sort of doesn't believe it. one night i woke up, when i had been thinking of baby names, i was bleeding. i rushed to the bathroom and lindsey came out from my room as she had stopped over, she had been doing that most nights to make sure i was alright, she was only 16. she got me some towels and i screamed in pain, my mum and dad were still at work, they worked late through the night until about 6 am. but my sister was in, connah was in his bedroom fast asleep. i was screaming its the baby, the baby, the baby. i through up in the bathroom. lindsey was there for me the whole time (lindsey is my brothers girlfriends name) she got me a clean pair of knickers and pyjama bottems, she brushed my hair and then when we came out, he was standing there. My rapist, he said, i heard some noise, i didnt no what it was, are you okay? he looked at me, lindsey said, come on he isnt worth it, but i spat in his face. i went into my room and lindsey locked the door. when my younger, older brother, (lindseys boyfriend) connah found out who did it he marched into megans room and punched him in the face about 15 times , he got his stuff, threw them in the front garden, set fire to them and then threw him out, he shouted at my sister and stayed in the room with me and lindsey that night. now i have purpilish, red hair, my music is rock, im very self concious, ive cut my self quite a lot of times because i feel it eases the pain. there is one boy in the whole world im attracted to and i think im in love with him , but the problem is, i can't even kiss him without feeling sick and bringing back the night mares, he's different from other guys, he's perfect, quite small for his age, he's in his last year of high school but is just like me, we have so much in common, he is beautiful, smart, funny, abit sarcastic, he has the most beautiful hair, long and wavy, he has pale white skin and perfect features, like something you would see on a roman coin. We have the same taste in music and in style, he isnt in a rush for anything and isnt bothered about having a girlfriend like everyone else his age, he just wants me, i feel like i can be myself around him, he's artistic, and just amazing, he's not a player, tramp, chav, or anything , he's his self. I love him so much, but he always says he's glad were honest with each other, but i havent told him, because he knows the guy. I don't know whether or not to tell him, because i don't want any secrets between us, but i don't want him to be mad at me , or break up with me , the guilt is killing me. What should i do ? I know he loves me and will be there for me, but what if he gets mad that i didnt tell him, or go after him, my parents no know and they don't give one, they did at first but then, they seem more bothered about there own lives then mine, they have blocked it out of their mind, they have just forgot. they dont care at all. its all about them and my sister , and my 2 older brothers, im the youngest and i get no attention, i think thats what they thought it was, a cry for attention. should i tell him, the police, someone else

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi RSmith,

I am so sorry about what had happened to you. To be honest with your new boyfriend is your choice. I am sure he would be understanding if he loves you. Love is a great thing and no matter what is going on, he should be standing by your side. Take a chance Sweetie, you may be surprised.

Good luck,


June 30, 2012 - 9:38am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm so so sorry for you darling. You must be so brave and strong to go through all that alone. You have to talk about this to someone you love and to someone that loves you back and cares for you, and will understand and support you. You can tell this boy of course if you love him and he loves you. you will have his support and he will make you forget this nightmare. I'm really sorry that the bastard doesn't stay in prison right now, where his place is.

June 30, 2012 - 9:14am
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