Let’s Talk About Sex…Well, Maybe Not. Why Are So Many Of Us Reluctant to Talk About Such an Important Part of Our Lives
For reasons that I really don’t understand, there is a real stigma associated with talking honestly with your partner about sex, and what works for you and what doesn’t.
But why is this? As I’ve said before, sex in a healthy relationship is a wonderful thing, and most men would really feel great if they knew they were truly pleasing their wives. And frankly, if they are not interested in pleasing you, then you have a problem. Because we all know there are some guys out there who are all about “me me me.”
But truly, there is nothing shameful about talking about sex. So why is it so hard to talk about it?
I think it’s because ever since we were little girls, the topic of sex has been suppressed for us—it’s like this giant taboo to even mention it. But sex is not taboo—it’s part of being human. And sometimes, we have to ask for what we want. And that’s okay!
Here’s something else that I know: millions and millions of women are dealing with diminished sex drives. As we get older, our hormone levels decrease, and our libidos go down, and then our sex drives fall too.
Actually, even if our hormonal levels are right where they should be, we still might not feel like having sex. Between working, and taking care of kids, and doing the dishes and the grocery shopping and paying the bills and helping with homework, it’s no wonder that most of us are just too exhausted to have sex that often.
I would just love it if more women would go to their husbands and say something like “Look—do you know what the best foreplay in the world would be? For you to do the dishes and put the kids to bed so I can have 30 minutes to myself. Then I’ll be ready to have some fun with you in bed.”
And then, once we are in bed, it would be great to say “hey honey, this is what I’d really love for you to do.”
And if we just keep on feeling like we don’t want to have sex, it would be wonderful if we could go to our physicians, and feel comfortable saying “I’m really having problems with my libido—could you please check my hormone levels and give me a complete physical and make sure there isn’t a physical reason for my lack of interest?”
And if our physicians say “I think you are just depressed—here, take this,” that we would say “no, I’m not depressed, and I don’t want to take any medications that have been shown to reduce the sex drive even further.”
Or, if our physicians say “You probably just need to love yourself more and touch yourself more,” then we’ll have the courage to say “Uh no, not so much. That’s not going to help.”
Have you noticed a decrease in libido as you’ve gotten older, or as you’ve gotten busier with children and other commitments? Do you feel comfortable talking with your partner about sex? I can’t wait to read your stories!
Comments
I'm so glad to hear the topic of sex being discussed, b/c I think the only way some women will ever feel comfortable about talking about sex is through writing.
And, in my marriage, I have found the opposite to be true regarding sex talks and sex drive: my husband (perceives) that he has a lower sex drive than I do, and what's worse: he won't talk about sex with me!
It's difficult for him, b/c he has a healthy sex drive, but all of the talk about MEN WANT SEX AND NOTHING ELSE makes him feel, well, inadequate. He feels like he's not in the norm if he "only" wants sex once/week, or every-other week. I also know, for a fact, that he masturbates (as is very healthy to do); but, he doesn't think that "counts" as far as his sex drive.
I am very happy with his sex drive, as I prefer not to have sex more than once/week; we have so many other fun things to do. Plus, we kiss/cuddle almost daily, which is the most fun part anyways. But, what matters is his perception (that's his "reality"): he perceives he has a low sex drive, so therefore, it's true for him.
The problem comes in, when he thinks he is inadequate, and then we can't talk about sex. It is very frustrating. Do other men freely talk about sex, and what the woman likes/dislikes? I have tried every-which way to talk with my husband about my likes/dislikes, but he sees it as criticism. (oh, and I've tried every angle to talk with him gently, kindly; I'm definitely not criticizing!). He feels like he should "know" what to do sexually with a woman. I've explained that women are different, and I'm telling him what I like/dislike. I've even just tried to tell him what I like (reframing the positive into a negative), but that didn't work. When we're in the act, it's like everything we successfully talked about is forgotten...and there is only one thing (or, dare I say, goal?!) that is on his mind. Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this!
Does anyone share this experience? That when women DO feel empowered to talk about their needs, the men are uncomfortable or feel criticized?
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Excellent blog Michelle! I will happily share my story. I am your typical-overwhelmed married women. I have been married very happily for 17 wonderful years. I'm 44 years old. Over the last several years I had noticed that my libido was really down. My husband always seems to want to have sex much more than I do, which I'm pretty sure is fairly normal. I had brought this up earlier with my prior ob-gyn for the last few years but she always said it 's most likely a result of leading a busy life. I just took her my doctors advice on this for several years. There was never any discussion about other potential causes or a suggestion to have my hormones checked. Looking back I'm pretty sure the reason for lack of discussion about getting my hormones checked was this would cost the insurance company money to do the tests and the doctor may be dinged for what the insurance company would deem unnecessary tests. Three months ago I decided to go to a different OB-GYN who had been recommended and got my hormones checked. The wonderful thing is Dr. Mauer who did a complete hormone evalution for me took almost 30 minutes with me to discuss and educate me on what could effect my libido. He was wonderful. My hormones came back normal which has allowed me to now focus on other areas to improve my libido. The best part is my husband and I have had more discussion about how to improve our sex life.
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