Why Do Children Hit Their Parents?

By Darlene Oakley HERWriter

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Probably one of the most frustrating and exasperating things to deal with as a parent is being hit by your child for simply saying, “No,” or for not giving them something they want. Sometimes just saying, “It’s time to put that away,” is enough to start a battle.

What makes it even more challenging to deal with is that being hit, even by your own child, ignites the fight or flight response in us. When that happens, it can be extremely difficult for us to remain calm and deal with the situation in a way that discourages the behavior while reinforcing our authority as the parent.

Since this has recently become an issue with my 6-year-old, I decided it would make a good article topic to research, learn from and share.

Why Do Children Hit?

Parents and caregivers need to be aware of what’s happening inside a child’s mind that triggers the hitting. For example, toddlers (18-24 months) are still learning how to communicate, and may become frustrated trying to communicate their needs to their parents, caregivers, and playmates.

When they can’t find the right words or otherwise can’t get you to understand what they want or what they’re feeling, children can resort to negative behaviors.

Children between the ages of three and six may engage in such behavior if they’ve never been taught appropriate and non-aggressive ways of communicating when dealing with a frustrating situation.

In a day care or school setting, with so many children to manage, teachers only see and react to the hitting behavior at the end of the incident, and are unable to intervene before the situation escalates to teach children a different way of responding.

Aggressive behaviors may be a result of:

• A child defending herself

• A child feeling stressed about his situation

• A lack of, or change in, routine

• Extreme frustration or anger related to the situation, or sometimes completely unrelated

• Inadequate speech development

• Overstimulation which often includes impulsivity and the inability to realize what they’re doing

• Exhaustion

• Lack of adult supervision

• Mirroring the aggressive behaviors of other children around them.

What Should You Do in the Heat of the Moment?

Clinical Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham states that at the moment your child hits you the best thing to do is not react to your child’s actions in anger or frustration.

“Any action you take with your child from that state will have results that aren’t good for either of you. You will almost certainly perpetuate a cycle that includes physical violence. You still need to clear limits, but you need to regulate your emotions before you can teach your child how to regulate his.” (1)

The only way we parents can do this is to take a few moments to rein in our tempers, and go back to address the issue when we’re calmer. By doing that, we will also be teaching our children the same -- a healthier, less aggressive, less hurtful, and more respectful way of communicating their needs and wants.

Sources:

1) What Should You Do When Your Child Hits You? Markham, Laura. Psychology Today. Web. Accessed: Aug 21, 2014.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201306/what-should-you-do-when-your-child-hits-you

2) Hitting, Biting and Kicking: How to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Young Children. Simeo Munson, Joan. Empowering Parents. Web. Accessed: Aug 21, 2014.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Aggressive-Behavior-in-Young-Children.php#

3) My Child Hits Me! What Can I Do? Stiffelman, Susan. Huffington Post Parents. Web. Accessed: Aug 21, 2014.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-stiffelman/aggressive-child_b_2806816.html

4) Hitting A-Z and More. Nelsen, Jane. Positive Discipline. Web. Accessed: Aug 21, 2014.
http://www.positivediscipline.com/parents/archive/Hitting%20A-Z%20and%20More.html

Reviewed August 28, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.