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Most of my articles are based on my own experience — questions I’ve always asked myself, things I’ve wondered or have been told and wonder if they’re true. I figure, we’re all going through this mom experience together and it might help another mom out there dealing with the same thing or asking the same questions I am. This article is no exception.
Am I a good mother?
A number of weeks ago I received a letter from someone who called himself my friend and then proceeded to tell me what a terrible mother I was because I wasn’t doing this or doing that and that my issues with my sons’ behavior would all evaporate if I would just do what he said.
I know there are a bunch of moms out there who also hear words like this.
Now, mind you, his words were completely contradictory to what other mothers have expressed to me. In no way would I hold myself up as the model all moms should aspire to be. But I felt it was highly unfair of this person, who’d only been in my life for a short period of time to render this judgment on my mothering skills.
When I expressed that I felt I wasn’t a good mother his response was, basically, “You’re right. You’re not.” Funny how the one negative comment refutes all the good ones I get from other mothers and grandmothers who know what they’re talking about.
I battle enough with maintaining my self-esteem as a mother. Sure, there are areas in my mothering life where I need to and can improve, but that doesn’t mean I’m a terrible mother. Doesn’t mean you are, either.
We all have our own lives and one of the ways we moms learn best is to chat with other moms.
Mommy self-esteem issues
My goal as a mother is to provide a safe, welcoming, accepting environment where my kids can de-stress at the end of their school day. I want my kids to see this as a safe place to be, a fun place to be. A home with laughter and jokes, but balanced with the necessary things that they need to learn to be successful in life.
It’s also important to me to teach them how to accept others around them, have compassion for those people whose life experience may be different I want to help them learn to believe in themselves, and to know that they are capable of so much.
Seventeen years ago today, I became a mother and I badger myself about the early years with my son that I wasn’t the mother I am now, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be that mother for him in the beginning. But the thing about life experience is that I’m being that mother now — I think.
The problem is, mothers always see things in other mothers that we would like to have or be. Stay-at-home moms may look at work-outside-the-home moms and think, “I wish I could do that.”
Work-outside-the-home moms may look at stay-at-home moms and think, “I wish I could do that.”
Breastfeeding moms may look at bottle-feeding moms and say, “She should be breastfeeding. Why isn’t she breastfeeding? Doesn’t she know it’s better for her baby?”
Bottle-feeding moms may see breastfeeding moms and say, “I wish I could do that. I know it’s better for my baby. I wish she wouldn’t look at me as a second-class mother because I formula feed. Am I a second-class mother because I couldn’t breastfeed or chose to formula feed?”
All us mothers have something in common besides being mothers — We all tend to be too hard on ourselves for the things we don’t do, or wish we could do, or should have done. And sometimes we're too hard on other mothers when they don’t appear to have done all the wonderful and superior things we have done.
We all need to do the same thing — Give ourselves and each other a break. This isn’t a competition. We need to recognize that we are human beings, we cannot and will not be able to do everything we wish or everything our kids wish.
And in the end, that’s not what’s important anyway — especially if doing everything we wish or they wish results in damaging the relationship we have with our children. Where the achievements become the sole focus of our lives rather than the relationship we have with our kids.
This is something I will be “coaching” myself on leading up to Mother’s Day, as I reflect on “Have I been a good mother?”
Repeat after me: “I am a good mother.”
I mean it. Say it out loud to yourself. I’ll wait ... If you need to say it a few more times before you believe it, say it a few more times, then continue reading.
For a lighter moment, take three minutes to watch this short video clip at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM/
Then head over to Parenting.com and read 26 Reasons You’re a Great Mom — because you are a great mom!
Don’t let anybody — especially yourself — tell you different.
Sources:
1. Stay-at-home moms have the hardest job. Ryan, Shari. Los Angeles Times. Web. May 6, 2013.
http://articles.latimes.com/2011/aug/20/news/la-heb-working-mothers-08202011
2. Why ARE we women so hard on ourselves. Neff, Kristin Professor. DailyMail.co.uk. Web. May 6, 2013.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2009632/Why-ARE-women-hard-ourselves.html
3. 26 Reasons You’re a Great Mom. Dolgoff, Stephanie. Parenting.com. Web. May 6, 2013.
http://www.parenting.com/gallery/26-reasons-youre-a-great-mom
4. The Mom Song Sung to William Tell Overture. Renfroe, Anita. Web. May 6, 2013.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM
Reviewed May 6, 2013
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith
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