Maybe I need a tattoo on my forehead that reads, “Breast Cancer Survivor.” If people knew that from the very start I wouldn’t stick my foot in my mouth nearly as often. You see, breast cancer is a huge part of my life, and sometimes I forget that not everyone knows about my cancer. I feel as though cancer radiates around me all the time. It is my life. However, I rarely start conversations to let people know about my cancer history. So awkward conversations are bound to happen. And I’ll be honest, sometimes I still like to shock people, put them in their place a little.
It has happened a few times at work. I am only there a few hours a week, so while people recognize me, no one but my department knows me very well. My job is in a long-term care facility.
I was there one morning when a nurse came in to talk to my boss. She was telling her that a coworker had stage IV cancer, and that she had no shot at returning to work. I saw my boss look at me and proceed to nod to the nurse, willing her to be quiet. The nurse went on though, saying something about everyone knowing that stage IV was terminal.
At that point my mouth opened and words began to escape.
“Really? I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. I’m still here.”
Her eyes got huge. She looked at me, and quickly looked away.
“Well, I …” she began.
“No one can tell her when she is going to die.” I started in. “None of us have that ability. I am over nine years out. Someone told me to ‘get my affairs in order.’ It isn’t okay.”
She began to talk about the fact that it wasn’t likely that she would recover.
By the time she left I was fuming. It kills me when people cannot have faith in others. Let the woman fight. Help her, believe in her. What’s the worse thing that will happen?
Sometimes I do manage to keep things a little more light-hearted. Take this example.
One morning I was telling someone that I was hot. Totally joking, she replied by saying, “Going through the change of life already?”
I’m pretty sure I floored her when I said, “Oh no, I did that years ago.”
When she gave me a questioning look I filled her in, “I had breast cancer and went through a very early menopause.”
Because she had no idea what to say at that point I told her, “Don’t worry, there are a few perks to having it done with.”
Again speechless. I tend to do that to people.
Am I jerk to have these conversations? Should I lovingly try to educate without sarcasm? Would it make a difference?
Cancer has taught me a lot of things but one of the major lessons I’ve learned is that we have no idea what goes on in someone else’s life. So while my life might look perfect from the outside you may never know about cancer, or the inability to have children, or whatever else. Likewise, I can look at someone else and think everything is great only to find that they deal with their own issues.
So until everyone knows about my cancer or we find a cure I am pretty sure I will keep having these conversations. Until others realize that people can live with cancer, or that cruddy things happen to all sorts of people I will keep on setting the record straight. It’s all good with me. I love a good debate.
Heather is the author of “Letters to Sydney: Every Day I am Killing Cancer” and a contributing writer for the Breast Cancer Wellness Magazine. Heather also blogs at www.GoBeyondTreatment.com and www.Mlive.com/health. Jose lives in Michigan with her husband, children, and pets.