Taking a pregnancy test and anticipating the results is an impacting, life-defining moment for me. In the moment that I sit and stare at the small plastic stick, I wait to find out if my life is different than it was just minutes before. Each time, my hands sweat, my heart pounds and I wait, knowing, that if that stick tells me yes, then everything has changed.
I have given birth to three children. Three times my pregnancy tests have been positive. The last time was our biggest surprise and this is the story of how it happened. My husband and I were happy. Married for six years and we had two wonderful boys ages four and two. We discussed the idea of another child but finally decided that we were happy with our family of four.
Naturally I went to visit my OB. When asked the typical question, “When was your last cycle?” I remembered that I had skipped the previous month. It did not alarm me because I have always been lucky enough to have light cycles, some months almost non-existent. I wasn’t worried. But I did have a complaint for my doctor, I was experiencing cramping, something that I thought was caused by my birth control pill. He agreed to give me samples of new pills but told me that was not a typical side effect. He told me that if I didn’t get a period in the next week or so that I should take a test.
So, as I sit in the exam room, vulnerable in my paper robe, I am thinking, “What kind of test he is talking about?? I can’t be pregnant, I am on the pill.” He sees my dumbfounded look and tells me, “Remember, the pill is not 100% effective.” I keep hearing the words over and over in my head. I get dressed. Not 100% effective. I walk to my car. Not 100% effective. I drive home. Not 100% effective. Then I tell myself, it just can’t be. I am unsure if I am terrified or excited. I don’t want to be disappointed so I stop thinking about it. I mention it briefly to my husband and we laugh together. There is no way, or so we think.
About a week goes by and I decide to take a test. I wait for an opportunity to be able to be in the bathroom without someone knocking at the door. (This takes another few days.) At last, the moment of truth, I hold the stick out so I can see it clearly. One pink line, that is suppose to be there but I check to be sure. I wait and wait. It is only about a minute but feels like ten before I realize that it is not going to change. Negative. No new baby to love. I think to myself, “Now you know. Be relieved. I can start a new diet. I can go horse back riding. (I don’t normally ride horses but didn’t think that it was recommended for pregnant women.) I can have wine with dinner.” I keep reminding myself of all the things that I can do because I am not actually pregnant. “Okay, now you know.”
Another week goes by and still no period. But still I feel like something is out of the ordinary with my body. Now I am nervous. As I mentioned, I have two boys, these are active, energetic, busy boys. If I am really pregnant, how will I ever take care of everyone? I am in denial but realize that I have to take another test. (At least I am glad that I bought the pregnancy test bonus pack.) I stayed up late by myself on a Thursday night, watching TV and drinking what might be my last glass of wine for a while and decided, tomorrow I will take another test.
So the morning of my test, I asked my husband to help me with the boys so I could shower and get ready to take them to the zoo for a play date with a friend. After he hops into the shower, I turn on a cartoon for the kids, and race to the bathroom where my second test was carefully hidden under a folded towel in the drawer. Not wanting to have any mistakes, I hold the stick under me and keep it there for the entire time that I pee. Then I close my eyes, hold out the test and wait. My heart starts to race as I hold my breath and see the first pink line (that one is suppose to be there) and spot the beginning of a faint second line. I close my eyes hard and blink several times. I take a deep breath. I look again. Is there a second line? I think I see it. Oh boy, I do see one. I think, it is positive, is it?
Thoughts start racing through my head. Three kids, we are going to need a bigger house, a different car, new pregnancy clothes, new baby stuff, and diapers, all the diapers AGAIN. How will I ever have the time or patience for three kids? What am I going to do? I focus, stand up, flush and wash my hands. My heart is beating and my legs wobble as I make my way to the shower where my husband is without a clue that my life just changed and his is about to.
I yell to him, “Are you finished in the shower yet?” He answers, “I’m finished washing my face!” He is thinking that I am really anxious to get in the shower to get ready for the zoo.
I stand at the shower curtain, wait for him to turn off the water and get out. I can’t breathe normally. I still have the racing thoughts. Will I go insane with three kids under the age of 5? Will I ever go back to work? Will I ever get my waist back? When is he coming out of the shower? Finally, he turns off the water and slides open the curtain.
Startled that I am standing right there, he says, “Oh, what’s going on?” I raise the test into the air asking, “Does this look like two pink lines to you?” “Well, I don’t have my glasses on but I can see two lines from here,” he answers. His reaction to the news is to reach for a towel, hug me and say, “this is wonderful news.” And it was that Friday morning in October that everything changed for us, again.