When I was recently visiting my in-laws in New York City for the holidays, we attended a dinner with two other couples. I ate a lot, starting with the cheese biscuits that were placed on the table at the beginning of the meal (they remind me a lot of the sort of thing that people eat in Georgia, where I grew up, which is to say that the biscuits were completely laden with cheese, grease, and fat and were utterly delicious). I felt stuffed after eating two of them. From there, I proceeded to eat large portions of lobster bisque, scallops, and berry trifle for dessert. I must admit that I had to loosen the zipper of my skirt a bit (attractive, I know) so that I could sit more comfortably, but it’s the holidays, after all, right?
So when the waiter came around to refill our wine glasses, I knew that I couldn’t ingest one more drop of anything into my system and refused, particularly since I don’t feel so good if I drink after I’ve eaten so much. My mother-in-law also passed, as red wine doesn’t agree with her so well. The man seated between us asked why we weren’t drinking. I went into a long and boring explanation of how wine doesn’t always agree with me if I’m really full, how much I had eaten (leaving out the unzipped skirt part, of course), how drinking too late at night really disrupts my sleep. My mother-in-law simply said, “Wine doesn’t love me.” She felt no further need for excuses or justification.
I thought about this exchange for the next couple of days. Women spend a lot of time thinking about what we SHOULDN’T eat, and categorizing food as bad and good, based on either their caloric or fat value, depending on how you measure these things.
Most women can look at a single Triscuit and tell you exactly how many calories it has (7.5). We often spend most of our lives trying to avoid the bad food and eat more of the food that the experts tell us we should eat. Sometimes I read the health articles on the front page of Yahoo (you know the ones, they have titles like, “The Top Ten Foods and Drinks You Should Be Consuming Daily”) and afterwards, find myself spiraling downward, worrying about how I could possibly squeeze copious amounts of pomegranate, sweet potatoes, blueberries, lentils, broccoli, tomatoes, salmon, kale, yogurt, and 10 gallons of green tea into my DAILY diet. And the article says I have to eat that EVERY DAY for the REST OF MY LIFE if I want to avoid cancer.
Now, I agree that I feel better when I eat fruit and vegetables than when I eat, for instance, large servings of cheese biscuits. My body feels better, but I haven’t always focused on what my body wants. I’ve given the other part more airtime: the part of me that knows the caloric impact of everything, the part of me that feels smug when I eat what experts tell me I “should” eat, and feels punitive and guilty when I eat what I shouldn’t.
Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to stop doing that. From now on, I only eat what loves me. “Loves me” means it makes my body feel good, in both the short term and long term. To quote a phrase I like for this in psychology, I'm going to stop “shoulding” on myself so much. "Loves me" means eating slowly, with awareness of how something is making my body feel. No matter what any expert tells me about how many servings of whole wheat I need to eat, I know that I feel puffy and irritable when I eat it. So I'm just not going to eat it, because wheat doesn't love me.
I love this idea. It can be applied to all areas of our lives. I started applying it to my closet when I was doing the Massive Closet Reorganization of January 3, 2009. I pulled out all the itchy sweaters who don’t love me, tight shoes who don’t love me, a turquoise scarf I want to love, but whose color is just not that into me. It doesn’t love me. Likewise, people who waste my time or energy do not love me. Greedy people and politicians with angry politics do not love me. I could keep going with this.
Here’s my suggestion to you: make two lists. On one list, write the foods, people and situations that don’t love you. On the other one, make another list: everything and everyone who loves you. Every week, see what you can do to reduce your exposure to who and what doesn’t love you in the way you deserve to be loved. Pick one thing off the list and bring less of it into your life. And each week, pick one thing off the list of people and situations that love you and bring a bit more of it into your life. Small steps count here, and they really add up.
As for me, I’m looking forward to a year of less bleach, wheat, celebrity gossip sites, and scratchy sweaters, and more soft sheets, dark chocolate, local organic food, knitting, yoga, the color blue, the music of Lucinda Williams, time with family, and conversations with the friends who leave me with a happy feeling after I hang up the phone.
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