"I never thought it was rape. There were no weapons. I didn't kick and scream and fight. It took years before I learned the complexities that date rape will leave if you don't share... if you don't face it."
When You Realize What Happened, Your World Will Fall Apart...
I can't exactly tell you when I realized there was something wrong with me. Sex is something you're supposed to enjoy, something you're supposed to look forward to. Most importantly, sex is supposed to bring pleasure.
It developed slowly but at some point I was very aware that, for a reason I was not yet aware of, I avoided sex. There were extremes I had taken... that varied from a devotion to staying single all the way to never leaving home (out of fear that a stranger might compliment me and that would mean only one thing...)
It wasn't until I finally spoke to somebody that I realized there was nothing wrong with me. Now that's jumping to a very quick conclusion...
It still took time before I was so comfortable -- with the floodgate of new emotions I'd unlocked -- that I could say everything was okay. Even now I am hesitant because there is still a part of me screaming "nothing is okay!" but the difference is knowing where that voice comes from and what it really means.
Talking about it was possibly the hardest thing I ever had to do. It did not make me feel better. It made me feel worse. Now I was forced to feel everything I had made every effort possible to avoid feeling. And I had to feel it all at once.
Picking Up The Pieces
I don't remember how long it took. I do remember it was excrutiating. I strongly, strongly recommend that when you transition (from the position of bottling it up to spilling it all out in the open) that you participate in counseling. I do not recommend medication, as this state will leave you vulnerable to drug addiction... but it is necessary for some.
After having built a little prison of confusion and ignorance for myself for years, what was a few more months (or could it have been years?) in a self made prison of awareness, understanding, acceptance... and transformation.
Was I stronger?
Perhaps. I was not as strong as I'd once been before it had happened to me. But I was no longer helpless. I had regained control of my life.
Was I happier?
This is the most important reality to face. Facing reality will not make you happy... directly. As you expect, it will be very painful. However you will be happier than when you live in denial from inside those indestructable walls. More importantly, you will be allowing yourself the opportunity to feel happiness again.
Once you have been destroyed, there is nothing more you can do than to pick up the pieces and put them together again. You will never be the same person... but you can be a better person if you just let yourself.