Dear Self,
There are some things I need to remind myself when my boys are teenagers--in case I lose my mind in the next 13 years. I want to remember what sweet boys they are now. Yes, they try my patience constantly, and exhaust me emotionally and physically, but with an “I love you mama,” all frustration is erased. It is their precocious nature that is their spark—and I need to remind myself that it is a good thing.
We are blessed that they are smart boys—we can tell this already and they are just 3- and 1-year-olds. They each learned to talk easily, and they are physically adept. They both are stubborn as the day is long. They love to be outside. They love animals, especially our dogs. I want to remember good things about them so when they are incorrigible (like I was), I will have something to fall back on and reassure us that all our effort is worth it.
I want them to know what kind of a family they come from. Their Dad adores them, and takes such pride in his boys. I know this will only grow as they become involved in sports, and other activities. Daddy played soccer, and basketball. It kept him out of trouble while he was in school, because it helped him develop discipline. Mama played soccer too, was on the pom-pon squad, and worked, which helped her remain focused on her school work. Daddy now loves playing soccer and baseball with our boys in the basement. And even at their young ages, they show promise in being able to dribble a soccer ball, and throw and hit a baseball.
They love music like me, especially Luke. I hope he still loves to play instruments like drums, guitar, and keyboard. I never learned to use anything but my voice, so I hope he is driven to cultivate even more of an involvement in music. I want to remember how loves to create his own drums out of cookie tins and Frisbees, and would use straws as drum sticks. Nate loves to dance to all kinds of music, and weaves his body and squats in time to the music, just like I remember dancing in my parents' living room when I was 4 years old.
I hope that hearing things like this when they are disaffected youths will soften them and reassure them of our love, despite their angst.
I want to teach our boys to respect women, and value them as partners, equals, and never to take advantage of them. Their Dad treats me as a partner. I want them to learn about love, and to experience women in an adult manner. They should try-on several partners in a monogamist fashion before they settle on just one (but they should wait as long as they can before they start to date). They should always protect themselves from disease and extreme controversy.
About being brothers, despite how they feel about each other, I want them to know we had two for a reason, so they can rely on each other. We hope they will be close, but we know that my not be realistic as they move through their own lives and make their own choices. We hope they will be best friends, but we know that may not ring true for them. We hope they will not beat each other to a pulp, and find who is left standing. I was told by their older cousin who comes from a family of three boys, that sometimes boys need to fight. We hope they will be a force to be reckoned with in a good way. We want people to speak of the Jeffries boys and smile, no matter how trite that sounds.
I want to tell them about our extended family. Depression runs in my side of the family. Their grandfather is a recovering alcoholic (I’ve heard it skips a generation). I have been treated for anxiety, and people in Daddy’s family have too, they have older cousins who have been treated for depression. This is something to be aware of, because if either of them feel they are having trouble, and it’s tough to get out of their own head, I hope they will talk with us, or someone at school to get help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, because there is strength in knowing yourself and taking care of yourself, especially when you are having trouble coping with the world.
And about that…I want to tell them that yes, you may think that the world is full of crap. I did too at your age, and I’m willing to bet that the thought passed your dad’s mind at some point too. So you’re right. But I want you to know that there is a lot of good in the world too. There is a whole world beyond high school that you will hopefully be driven to experience. Try not to get caught up in too much of the drama that surrounds you—that really is crap, and most of it won’t matter after you graduate. So just get through it, and on with more of the good stuff of life.
I want them to know that they can go to college, get jobs, and see the world. Their dreams can be realized, and if they don’t know how to get there, us as their parents will do all we can to help them figure it out. We will always want them close, but we also want them to have a life and learn all they can as a student of the world. They should know they are blessed with a loving family, and even more blessed with choices.
Choices are what will determine their path. Make good, sound choices, and they will succeed. Make bad choices, and they will end up in a place they probably don’t want to be in. There will be hard times, and we know they will make mistakes, but we sincerely hope they will allow us to help them when they are in need. We will always try to help, even if it’s just to say, “try harder, I know you can do it, I love you and believe in you,”
…because we always will, no matter what.
Christine Jeffries is a writer/editor for work and at heart, and lives in a home of testosterone with her husband and two sons. She started a women's group, The Wo-Hoo! Society, in the interests of friendship, networking and philanthropy. The group meets separately on a monthly basis in the Phoenix and Kansas City areas. Christine is interested in women's health and promoting strong women.