Is it that he never holds your hand or kisses you in public, or that he does it too much and makes everyone around you squirmy and vaguely nauseated? Is it that you like that your friend has a new boyfriend and feel so happy for her when he strokes her soft cheek at TGIF's over chicken wings, or that you want to run out of there screaming without paying and never ever go out with the two of them again?
Public Displays of Affection, or PDA as it is affectionately known, can be as tricky as that non-relationship you have with your mother-in-law. Balance, intuition, and a fine reading of social cues come into play as never before, causing you to want to pull your hair out, grab his hand or push it off you, depending on your personal PDA situation.
I have married women friends who are so distraught and dejected over their partner's complete lack of PDA that their marriages are in a constant state of flux and recovery. They feel unloved, unappreciated, undervalued and ignored as they saunter out to dinner, to a movie, to a friend's house, to a community event with their significant other paying about as much attention to them as they would to a speck of lint, either walking twenty paces ahead of them or catching up with them later, sitting across the room, on the other side of the couch, talking, endlessly, to someone else.
How these women long for a held hand during a peaceful walk, or a cuddle on the couch at the neighbors; an arm around the shoulder at the restaurant or a long, deep kiss as the music starts. Where, they wonder, is the affection which translates as love and caring in this relationship? Why doesn't he love me enough to show it? And for many women, this means showing it in public.
If cuddling and kissing and hand holding happen alone, they think, why are they embarrassed to show others? Or, if there are deeper issues, perhaps a lack of PDA indicates a lack of affection threaded throughout the relationship.
Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum. He sticks his tongue in your mouth in front of your mother, his mother, the babysitter, the kids. He rubs your behind affectionately and eyes you lasciviously at the holiday party next to the chips when your boss is standing right there. He sits you on his lap and bounces you up and down before the movie starts. "Wait!" you say to yourself - "I love the attention but I'm embarrassed! This is making me feel like a sideshow attraction at the carnival! My friend right here is single and lonely, how does this make her feel? Your father is looking at us like we're on illicit substances!"
And here, too, insecurity can begin to rear its head. You may ask yourself, if he needs to show off our love so much, does that mean he really doesn't trust it? Is this relationship another way for him to prove something to himself and everyone else, or another way to get attention, or does he really care for me? Is he socially sensitive, perceptive enough to gauge when and why people are becoming uncomfortable and how to shift gears? Doesn't he trust our love enough to know that a simple touch on the hand is more than enough in certain circumstances?
Finding balance in PDA is crucial to the health and emotional satisfaction of coupling, for we do not live as a couple in our own little worlds, but must move forward and branch out, spending time as a couple in the presence of family, friends, co-workers, children and friends' children.
If we feel either extreme, rejected or overly embraced, we will begin to shut down or question our relationships with heavy, sad inquiry. As with any relationship issue, communication is key. And for women who love to talk, this may not mean talking as much!
There is a lot to be said for body language, steering his hand toward or away from you with love and affection. Rubbing his back, directing your conversation at him, thanking him for something. These little gestures and words can go a long way in the moment toward re-balancing the PDA situation and empowering you to do something about it. Direct confrontation is important at times, but often leads a man to stop listening or to feel threatened.
If you are having serious issues with PDA that you feel you can't unravel or remedy, couples counseling may be helpful. It could be that you just have very different relationship styles and the love is as real and strong as ever.
Aimee Boyle teaches, writes and makes school lunches in CT.