Lists: a Secret to Coping Success

I had dinner last week with a friend who is going through a nasty divorce. She was about to lose her home, her husband had piled up over $1 million in back taxes, she had a temporary restraining order against him… the list goes on and on. She had never lived alone and had devoted herself to her husband so completely that she didn’t know how to do a lot of things that she needed to do such as balance the check book, pay the bills, etc. She found herself overwhelmed, somewhat paralyzed, and in deep despair; who could blame her?

She did, however, talk about some of her successes: she was having trouble getting the DVD player to work and she figured it out by finding the manual on the Internet, the utilities were about to be shut off (her lovely husband left her with an outstanding utility balance of over $1,000) so she negotiated with them for some additional time, she drove in snow for the first time and even put tire chains on her car by herself, etc.

She also told me about some of the things she wanted to do with her newfound, unexpected, and unwanted freedom; take a train trip, find a new church, read certain books, and discover who she really is. (I had asked her what she liked to do; she couldn’t think of an answer because she had been so dependent on her husband for so long.)

It occurred to me that, for her, making lists would be a tremendous technique for lowering her anxiety and overwhelm. Lists serve to organize the clutter in your mind, and give you a visual representation of what seems impossible.

In her case, there were several opportunities for lists. Here are a few ideas:

• Things that she wants to do, giving her something to look forward to which is a very powerful coping technique.
• Successes; things that she figured out how to do after thinking that she couldn’t do them. This will serve to remind her that she isn’t as helpless as she sometimes feels.
• Options for living arrangements after she moves out of her home, giving her hope and reminding her that she won’t be out on the street
• Ideas for earning money, empowHering (pardon the pun) her with the knowledge that there is light at the end of the tunnel (and it’s not an oncoming train)

A few general benefits of lists:

• They put things in perspective. When you are overwhelmed with all that you have to do, make a list of those things and you will be amazed at how harmless it looks. You will feel better instantly.
• They give you a sense of accomplishment as you check things off.
• They keep you on track and help you avoid distractions
• They organize your thoughts and give you the feeling of control

Here are some things to remember about lists:

• A list is a process, not an event. They constantly change as you add new things and remove the items that you have either completed or eliminated because conditions changed.
• We think of things to put on our lists (or even new lists to create) at odd times, so have pen and paper ready at strategic places so you can write down your ideas when they come to you. Then gather the notes and scraps of paper in a central location where you can apply them to your lists.

How many ways can you use these ideas? Make a list of them.

This article is one in a series on coping strategies for patients and caregivers alike. For more thoughts on caregiving, coping strategies, reducing stress, and just plain fun subscribe to my free monthly newsletter at http://www.CaringAndCoping.com Need a speaker for an upcoming event? I have a program that will knock your socks off! Watch video clips at http://www.ThePPP.org/speaking/#handle