Finding out that the love of your life is your work can be liberating, uplifting, challenging and, in some cases, confusing and even depressing. For many women, the empowerment they feel from pouring their passion into their work can be a cause for celebration; they are strong, independent, dedicated and gifted women who mold their lives and their work into a dancing, productive, creative symphony, each part dependent on the other, the wheels always in motion.
However, what happens to the woman who suffers as a result of this working passion? Not to say that she doesn't adore her work, her career, her artistry in the field of accomplishment in which she finds herself; but what about the woman who wakes and sleeps alone more often than not, who longs, too, for a partner, perhaps a family, or just someone to come home to at the end of the day?
For some, the energy spent in jobs they become incredibly efficient in, or the artistry placed in creative careers, is a sort of sublimated love energy which, channeled as it is, turns work into something exceptional, extraordinary. At times, though, this can be lonely for women. Some of the most talented teachers, artists, lawyers, chefs and doctors go home alone at the end of each magnificent work day. While their work may continue to give them intense satisfaction until the day they hang up their final painting/patient/student/hat, there is perhaps a sense of yearning in some cases, for some stream of energy to run off from the sea of their working and into a little quiet dinner for two.
As Valentine's Day approaches, many brilliant working women without a Valentine will once more roll their eyes toward the heavens and wish there were no such thing as chocolate boxes and Hallmark cards. Yet they will also find ways to indulge themselves and maybe distract themselves from feeling they are missing out on something they want, something they need... intimacy, warmth, contact.
When work becomes a woman's life, there may be creature comforts she is hungry for; not only sex, although that, certainly, is a very human need. But the partnership, the ability to talk openly about anything and everything, the sharing of small, silly moments, the affection. As with anything in life, it's so important that we maintain a balance. If we find we are overdoing it with "bad" things, like sugar and alcohol, it's obvious. But if we're overdoing it with "good" things, like exercise or work, it's much more difficult to tell; our society and culture rewards us for being completely out of balance, especially if we are considered to be at all "successful" or good at what we do.
Working moms know if they let things get too far out of balance the kids start acting weird. It's our wake-up call, and we usually stop ourselves and pull back, spend time reading stories again, take Saturday morning just to eat pancakes and play outside.
But in the absence of children, and even in the absence of a relationship, how do we stop and make room in in our hearts and minds to be open to the possibility of love? How do we divert a small trickle of energy into a stream of passion that is not work-related?
Perhaps the key is to allow ourselves to be open to enjoyment, to pleasure. Pleasure of the sensual variety but also pleasure of the comrade variety; looking toward bonding with another person over a joke, a shared insight, a vision. Maybe there's someone just as hard working at your job whom you've been so busy "working" with you haven't given them the time of day when it comes to just smiling at them, telling a joke, or relaxing at lunch.
Freud said that work and love were the "cornerstones" of our humanness. When we let one or the other take complete control, we feel less than fully human. This Valentine's Day, buy yourself a hallmark card and a box of chocolates and let your expertise in your work life inform you of your fabulousness, and a toast to staying open to love.
Aimee Boyle is a mom, writer and teacher in CT