As strong, assertive and empowered women, we “speak up” and let our partner know what we need in our relationship. The sex research even tells us that the greatest predictor of sexual satisfaction is positive feelings about our overall relationship.
When we do speak our minds, we may find our partner emotionally and physically retreating. It feels as though our partner is shutting down, shutting us out, and unable to respond to our “requests”. In the end there are often two people who are equally frustrated, feeling emotionally isolated and not knowing what to do next.
It is easy to say, “just talk with your partner about sex”, or, “communicate openly and honestly about your needs”, but it is often difficult to dialogue effectively about such a sensitive topic; a topic that most of us have not practiced talking about beyond jokes or happy hour stories.
In fact, once the conversation is initiated, there are numerous barriers that we must overcome, such as how our partner is receiving the message, how our partner interprets the message, and then how our partner responds (verbally and non-verbally). Even trying to find the right words about sex is tricky!
Most of us do not have practice in communicating about our sexual needs with our partner, but here is an idea that may help you on your quest. Based on the book, The Five Languages of Love, you can discover:
- How you wish your partner would express love, affection, attraction and desire towards you.
- How you express your love, affection, attraction and desire towards your partner that is best received.
First, think about what you complain about most in your sexual relationship. Choose one statement below that best describes you:
1. I wish my partner would simply say, “I love you”, “Babe, you look hot tonight!”, or tell me how smart or funny he thinks I am more frequently; if he did this, I would feel adored.
2. I want more quality time together; we rarely have enough time for intimacy without other distractions (such as TV, cell phone, computer, friends, family). He thinks “quality time” is watching re-runs of Lost together, and I would love to go for a walk or out on a date.
3. I want to feel “courted” or have more romance with my partner by simple tokens of love. Just the thought of him giving me flowers “out of the blue”, a sweet card or small gift show he is thinking about me during the day would melt my heart.
4. I wish we would work on more home projects together, as I do not feel I have time or energy to be intimate; it feels as if he does not care about me since I carry the burden of all chores and obligations. If only I came home to some chores completed, it would show he truly cared about me and my time; he did something for me.
5. I want more physical closeness throughout the day, like a kiss on-the-sly, a hug or touch of my arm as we pass each other in the hallway. A kiss “good morning”, “goodbye” and “hello” would carry me throughout the day.
Second, what does your partner complain about most in your sexual relationship from the list above? Choose one statement above that best describes your partner.
Third, match the number from the above statements with one of five “love languages” below. You will have a number for you, and separate one for your partner.
1. Words of Affirmation. If the most common complaint is not hearing loving words, either inside or outside of the bedroom, then the strongest need is words of affirmation. A simple “you look nice today”, “you are my love”, “hey, sweetie!” or other kind word is all that is needed to help feel more connected and intimate with each other.
2. Quality Time. You and/or your partner thrive on time together, without other distractions. It can be undivided attention for a few moments every day, spending time on a shared favorite activity or hobby, or a pre-planned date night each week to look forward to.
3. Receiving Gifts. It is not the gift itself that is most meaningful, and not the amount of money, but rather, a “gift” can be a token of love that your partner (or you) thought of, took time to purchase it and knew you would be happy receiving it. This gift can be a sweet card, a single favorite flower, or a birthday or anniversary gift that is thoughtful, romantic (and not purchased the night before!).
4. Acts of Service. All you want your partner to do is make the bed every morning since he sleeps in, or help around the house on the weekends. Your partner wants you to show you care by keeping your clothes off the floor so he doesn’t step on them, or to visit his parents once a month without trying to get out of the commitment. These small “acts of service” mean the world, and shows you “get” him (or, he “gets” you).
5. Physical touch. You or your partner feel most adored with simple physical gestures of affection; a simple kiss, warm hug or sweet touch is all you need to feel he is still in love with you.
Remember: it is important to know your own personal “love language”, and also that of your partner’s. You two may have very different needs, and to actively find ways to express what is most desired by your partner, even if it differs from your own.
Personally, I had a difficult time when I felt that my husband and I were not connecting. I was feeling depleted: he would not give me a “good morning kiss”, and I was tired of asking for one, or initiating it. What I did not realize was that my husband was feeling equally depleted, and not really feeling like showing affection.
My husband was frustrated that the house was always messy; there was not one clean room to sit without moving a pile of clothes or papers. At first when he verbalized this to me, I was defensive and did not want to be his servant and revert back to old female stereotypes. I am a modern woman, and refuse to clean house for a man! However, after months of talking about this, we realized my husband's love language is “Acts of Service”. He did not expect a pristine house (we have two young boys); he did want one space that is clutter-free so he could relax and play with the boys, while talking with me about my day.
Well, I felt like a jerk, quite honestly! He had an honest and sweet reason for his need, and my gift for him is to express my love for him to create a calm environment in his home. You can imagine what happened in return: he more openly and willingly expresses his love with kisses, hugs and sweet touches on my arm or back throughout the morning and evening. I can't explain why Physical Touch is my love language, but these two-second physical gestures provide such an energy-boost for me, that guess what?! I have energy to clean house!
Seriously, we have found great improvement in our relationship by expressing our love for each other in the way that is most meaningful to the other person, and this positive cycle expands into all other areas of our relationship: emotionally, sexually, and mentally.
I hope by knowing your personal love language, as well as your partner's, you can begin a positive dialogue about your needs and desires, which can lead to positive behavior change in your relationship. Giving affection can result in receiving more affection in an otherwise healthy and happy relationship.
I would love to hear what your love language is, as well as your partner's, along with any stories you would like to share!
[Source: To read more about the amazing “love languages”, I highly recommend this book: The Five Love Languages]