So goes the old proverb. And there is a lot of truth in that statement although there are obviously exceptions to this. We don’t want to put all grown sons in the same box!
Back in the old days (and let's face it, it still happens all the time) sons were often pampered by parents, especially mothers and this certainly happens in Irish and Italian families from my own experience (let me know yours!) In many families, the brother's sisters had to make him his dinner and he had very few responsibilities in house care. He went off to partake in his hobbies on Saturday mornings while his sisters cleaned the house and did other chores required of them. His sisters faced far more criticism that he, despite doing far more. Now with all this fine treatment, you’d think he’d be more than happy to come back in his parents old age and return the favor. Alas, no – he had his own family to care for and he didn’t have time. Granted, his sisters had their own families too but somehow they found the time, often times even moving elderly parents in with them, to establish a multi-generational household. From my years working with the elderly and mentally challenged, the ratio of female to male caregivers was vastly different. For every male caregiver or visitor we saw, we saw at least four females.
However, adult daughters often have a more difficult relationship with their elderly parents than men. This is due in great part to the stress on daughters who are caught in that “sandwich generation” – caring for children and elderly parents at the same time.
According to the AARP, nearly 45 million people in the United States are unpaid caregivers to relatives and the burden falls to daughters at least 60 percent of the time. Forty percent of these daughters said they faced stress due to this kind of care giving. Only one of five of male caregivers felt the same way. Sons also have wives (daughters-in-law) of the elderly parents who are more likely to contribute to their care, as opposed to sons-in-law. According to medicine.jrank.org, even a family with a large number of sons and perhaps only one daughter – the expectation is that the care will fall to her.
A 2010 study by a Canadian review board confirmed that these societal norms played a huge part in this issue. According to one of the researches of this study, review author Marina Bastawrous of the University of Toronto, "in terms of society's norms, the responsibility to care for parents tends to fall on the women," Bastawrous said. "It almost becomes ingrained as their responsibility. When they can't meet those expectations, the toll is worse on them than on sons who aren't expected to take on that role." And men may not even see caring for parents as a big issue for them, she said.
Barry Jacobs, a psychologist in Springfield, PA, who is also a spokesperson for the American Heart Association said there's even more to consider: Men who give care to their elderly parents are more likely to retain their careers more than their female counterparts , who are more likely to lose or leave their jobs in order to properly care for their parents. "Often the sons get off scot-free, and the daughters are resentful about how little their brothers are doing," Jacobs said.
And expectations like this are something that should be stopped. It starts with the parents of young children who need to raise their children to know how to manage a household, to cook and care and to assume an equal level of responsibility when it comes to family care in general. Expecting young daughters to help with house chores as the 2nd grader son plays soccer outside is teaching our children that domestic and family care giving must fall on the female members of the family. Imagine the stress we are unintentionally giving to our daughters!
Caregivers need better support in the United States and should get public recognition for their contributions. Low cost help sent to assist caregivers would lessen the burdens to a great degree.
So we, the parents of young children, need to take care to teach our sons that equality in care is expected and needed. And grown sons out there must take time every week to lift some weight off the shoulders of their sisters. Better still – grown sons and daughters should work out a more equal and fair calendar so that problems shared, are indeed problems halved.
Tell Us
Do you see a disparity with elderly care in your family? Are you a female and feel the responsibility is placed on your shoulders, instead of shared with male family members?