People talk about self-respect all the time, but what is it really? After doing a quick Facebook questionnaire, it was obvious to me that each person defines it differently.
The dictionary definition is “a proper respect for oneself as a human being” and “regard for one's own standing or position.” To me, the first one seems pretty doable, the second can sometimes be challenging. But wait, there’s more. One Psychology Today writer defines self-respect and self-esteem together – she suggests that people focus more on self-esteem, which is evaluating the self, while self-respect is accepting the self. Well, we all know how easy it is to analyze ourselves to the point of obsession, but acceptance is a whole other story.
Here is how a writer from www.selfgrowth.com defines it: “It means honoring my values and principles before anyone and anything else. It means trusting myself to say and do only what feels true and honoring. It means listening to and respecting that precious little voice inside when it feels a little fearful, reluctant or unsettled; trusting that there is a legitimate reason for me to be feeling that way and if I just get quiet and listen I’ll figure out what it is that isn’t feeling good and also, what it is that I need to do to honor myself.”
Mathilda B. Canter, a clinical psychologist and former president of the Arizona Psychological Association, has some opinions on the matter.
“Self-respect is, I think, a feeling of one’s self as a person of worth who deserves the respect of others, who has earned respect of others,” Canter said.
There is some difference between self-esteem, though she agrees they are linked.
“Self-esteem is the level at which one thinks about someone on a scale of negative to positive,” Canter said. “It’s how we view ourselves, the value we place on ourselves. Self-respect is basically another way of talking about how you see yourself.”
If you respect yourself, you probably have high self-esteem because there is that association between the two. One thing to consider is that many people view these things differently.
“One may respect oneself for different kinds of things,” Canter said. “What I might respect myself for, somebody else might not respect theirself for. It’s a very personal judgment that an individual makes.”
It’s important to focus on what you believe. For example, having sex outside of a committed relationship might be lack of self-respect to some people. Wearing revealing clothing might show lack of self-respect to others. For others, this could be showing a comfort with one’s body and accepting one’s needs.
“Some people may not respect you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t respect yourself,” Canter said. However, some women might have an issue with how others view them and their own self-respect and self-esteem can rely on that.
It’s all about reframing your own identity. You get to decide what your values and morals are and if you respect yourself and hold yourself in high esteem. If what you do doesn’t match up with what your family, friends, society and culture approve of, it’s time to realize what’s important to you. There is an internal conflict when you’re only doing what others expect of you.
For women, there can be a struggle still with self-respect and self-esteem because in some ways women are still not equal on a cultural and societal basis. Canter mentions the “impostor phenomenon,” which was coined by Pauline Clance, a psychologist.
The term refers to “successful women who appear successful in the eyes of the world but who feel like impostors, that they really don’t warrant the praise they’ve gotten,” Canter said. They feel that they don’t “measure up.”
[ note: the Impostor Phenomenon Test is found in the links below if you want to take it. ]
Canter said the best way to deal with issues of self-respect and self-esteem is to talk to a therapist.
“It’s hard to talk about these things with other people,” Canter said. “Usually your family will be prejudiced. They will have their own ideas about you. Friends may not want to hurt your feelings – they can’t be objective either.”
She said it’s necessary to work these kinds of issues out.
“Your self-respect is such an important part of how you experience your life and what you can accomplish in your life,” Canter said. “Low self-respect often leads to diminished efforts to take advantage of opportunities to actualize your own potential because before you try you say “I can’t” and you don’t try.”
How do you define self-respect? Do you think you're respecting yourself? How have you improved your self-respect? Are you struggling with self-respect? Why?
Adding to what's already been said, I would say self-respect is listening to yourself, believing in yourself and removing as much doubt as possible. This goes along with accepting all your decisions, even the crappy ones. This is about realizing you are a good, decent and special person even though you might have done something undesirable.
Sources:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199911/self-esteem-vs-self-respect
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/self-respect
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/what_is_selfrespect
http://www.paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html