Today is a very difficult emotional day. The emotional response from my most recent cancer surgery on Jan. 11, 2011 hit hard on Tues., Jan. 18 and then yesterday I was fine but today I can't stop crying. Then I watched the Temple Grandin movie--which didn't help--but what a powerful piece.
I don't want to be amazing. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be an inspiration to others.
What I want is--I just don't want to do this anymore.
And then people said, "well, this will be the last time." You know, that "law of attraction" and "positive thinking" and "power of intention" that is out there and so prevalent in all circles now--New Age, business, general society? Well, I hate to be negative but--the reality is those statements make me roll my eyes. Why, after six re-occurrences, would I even begin to think it won't come back again?
To add to the week, I also went through this with friends:
-A friend who has been battling ovarian cancer for a year and had a clear scan, let me know it was stage IV.
-Another friend let me know she had just been diagnosed with stage I ovarian cancer.
-Another friend had to take her brother off life support after he suffered an aneurysm.
-I got a very emotional email from the husband of a long-time friend who just died of ovarian cancer three months ago.
It used to be that after surgery and recovery, I would just go back to my regular life. But after the fifth surgery, other complications have set in because of the cancer spreading that I have to deal with every day. And this time is no different. So the "end" is not in sight.
I know it could be worse. I know it's a lot worse for a lot of other people. But I also know I have to deal with the emotions I have now.
I feel old. I feel worn out. I feel like I'm whining (and whining is disgusting).
I feel worthless. I feel like--what's the point of all the work I do if it always comes back to this?
I know this, too, shall pass. And I will go back to being my positive self. Because that is who I am. Dwelling on the negative just gets you nowhere. And life is fun and beautiful and I love grabbing for the golden ring.
But please excuse me, please be patient with me, if I'm not there yet.