Does it seem like you spend all of your time taking care of the needs of others? Maybe it’s feeding your family, doing laundry, or making runs to soccer and ballet practice, etc. Maybe it’s spending all day at a job to help support the family and then coming home to a boatload of work around the house. Maybe you’re caring for an aging parent or helping a friend convalesce. Whatever it is, it takes up all of your time and energy and guess whose needs get ignored? Yours!
I have a friend whose husband has advanced colon cancer and she has been busy taking him to his many medical appointments, chemotherapy, etc. and then tending to his needs at home. Then during the recent heavy rains in her area part of her home flooded including her special room where she could go for some “alone” time; now that room has been disassembled for carpet replacement and her stuff is all over the house. Insurance has been slow and she doesn’t know when her room will be back together. On top of that, her 12-year-old son has begun to show signs of distress and ADHD, so she has to deal with his school and arrange for counseling. Then there is her own job--which she can fortunately do at home--housework, etc.
I would say that her plate is pretty full, wouldn’t you? Guess who isn’t getting taken care of? She isn’t. She just doesn’t feel that she can take the time for herself because that is time away from the very people she needs to help. It’s quite a conflict for her.
I’ve been there myself (and often still am) when taking care of my wife during her four bouts with breast cancer. And the house. And the animals. And earning a living. I didn’t take time for myself because I just didn’t feel like I had the time to spare; besides, any time I took for myself would be time taken away from my other responsibilities.
What to do? Here are some important things to consider:
1. Awareness. You must recognize the importance of taking time for yourself and keep it top-of-mind. In spite of all of the pressure you eat, don’t you? (Probably not very well, but that’s another article). Of course you eat, because your body needs nourishment and if it doesn’t get it you can’t do all you need to do. Guess what? Your mind needs nourishment as well and, just like with your body, if your mind doesn’t get any nourishment you eventually will not be able to do all you need to do. Think of “you-time” as an “investment” in your ability to manage all of your responsibilities.
2. Start small. We’re not talking about 2 weeks in the Bahamas here; we’re not even talking about a workout. How about starting with a few extra minutes in the shower, or taking a bath instead of a shower? A bubble bath, no less. Keep this important need in mind as you go through your day and stop every now and then, close your eyes, and take in a very deep breath, slowly. Hold it for a couple of seconds, and then let it out slowly. Elapsed time: 10 seconds. Don’t even try to tell me you can’t take 10 seconds for yourself a few times a day.
3. Build slowly, spending more and more time doing something you enjoy. I’m still not talking about a lot of time; start with a few seconds a few times a day and build to a few minutes a few times a day, until you get to about 20 or 30 minutes a day. It’s not impossible, and you’ll be much better for doing it.
4. Choose simple activities that have a beginning and an end. This way you know how much time you’re committing and won’t feel rushed or under pressure. Examples: walk a certain route that you enjoy, read one chapter of a book or one article in a magazine, or watch a favorite TV show (without doing anything else).
You must take care of some of your own needs in order to be able to continue taking care of the needs of others.
You simply must.
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